For those of you who weren't here last year, here is my original list on "Tips for Keeping Awake during the Assembly http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/31016/1.ashx
And my new this for this year:
Do you really not want to go to the assembly this year?? Did you pray that SOMETHING would happen where the assembly got cancelled? Well, you know the old saying "the Lord helps those who help themselves." Here’s a couple of suggestions to make this year’s assembly truly memorable:
1. Get up early and make up a bunch of flyers stating that the assembly has been cancelled due to a SARS epidemic in the area and you’re not sure if the Great Crowd will be given divine protection or not. Take some scotch tape and go down to where your assembly is being held and post all flyers on the doors. During this time, have a friend with a wheel-barrow walk slowly by the Convention with the cry "Bring out your dead!" repeated over and over again. Observe (from across the street) all the Witnesses’ reaction when they read the signs and giggle when they see the wheel barrow coming right for them. Count on your watch how many seconds it takes them to flee as though demons were upon them.
2. Tired of getting to the assembly early, only to find a large crowd standing outside the locked doors as though it were a concert they were trying to get in to? Get a pair of dark sunglasses, a cane, and borrow a pit-bull from your local Humane Society. Wave the cane at all the brothers in line, hitting the ones that you don’t like. You’re perfectly safe as long as you’re wearing the sun glasses. Tell everyone within hearing that you’ll be so glad when you’ll be able to "see" all of them in the New System of things. This will drastically reduce your chances of being beaten to a pulp by aggressive and highly strung Christians.
3. Make your own "Attendant" or "Sound" badge on your computer at home. After arriving at the convention, pretend that you are there to check out the sound and start fiddling with the microphone. When no one’s looking tape a small recorder of a fart machine to the microphone, positioning it so it’s really hard to see. Assure any brothers that are there, that the sound system is working fine.
4. In the men’s washroom (which are usually deserted), post a bunch of flyers with J.R. Brown’s picture on it under the caption "America’s Most Wanted". If you’re really creative on the computer, maybe give him some prison clothes and a number in front of him.
5. Go and find yourself a contribution box and kick out whoever is sitting there. Try getting one close to the entrance, as people are in a more giving mood when they first come in, and before they have to start hunting for seats. Wait for a quiet moment and then quickly lift off the top and help yourself to some greenbacks. Take comfort in knowing that this money will not be going towards helping peophiles, but towards your weekly supply of lottery tickets.
6. Get to your seat, close to the stage. Make sure you’re there for the opening song and prayer. As soon as the song is over and the brother has just started in to the prayer of thanks, wait for him to pause and then hit your button for the remote fart machine. Seeing as it’s taped to the microphone, everyone will hear it including the brother giving the prayer. If you don’t hear enough giggling, hit the button again for a different fart sound, one that last’s longer. Open your eyes to see how many are trying not to laugh out loud. The brother, embarrassed and furious will try to end the prayer as quickly as possible. Just before he says "Amen", let it rip one more time. This will be the highlight of the assembly and no one will have the vaguest idea what any of the talks were about.