I need help on this please......

by HalfWayThere 9 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  HalfWayThere

  Hi, i need some advice from those here who may have gone before me in a situation similar to this. I have to explain the problem first so bear with me please :)

  I've posted a few times before briefly explaining my current situation. Well to bring you all up to date - I've stopped going to the meetings completely (I'm male, 24, living in Austrlia). I informed my mum of my decision after she kept asking why i wasn't attending and i told her, upon request, afew of the doubts that i had. She hassled me alot after telling her, always bringing the subject up when i had repeated made it known that i didn't want to discuss it, and hence i ended up saying more on how i felt regarding the society. The barrage continued until i couldn't take it anymore (i've got other issues in my life right now that, with all the righteous JW crap i was getting, added up to more than i could handle) so i wrote a letter to my mum (and my three sisters so that they knew how i felt too) explaining how i had felt worthless (among other things) for so long because of being a JW and how i was finally enjoying some happiness. Because i felt like i had to justify my decision, I also mentioned a few points/doctrines that i had doubts about. After my family had read the letter they backed of abit so i thought that some good had been accomplished by it.

  That was a few weeks ago -now fast forward to this week. My mum has sold her house and is moving next weekend. I offer to help her and i'm told that if i turn up to help then two of my sisters and the husband of one of them will not because they don't feel comfortable being in my presence after what i said about the "Jehovah's Organization" in my letter. This is the first i hear of any such feelings so i visit one of my sisters to hopefully rectify the situation somehow. So we talk for a while and she begins to understand what i'm going through - she says she doubted when she was younger, though my issues are bigger than that - and she agress to continue associating with me as normal. Great, i think. And i know she'll talk to my other sisters and i'm sure they'll change their minds too so i'm feeling safe again.

  Then last night i get a phone call from my book-study conductor. Someone had sent a copy of the letter to the body of elders in my congregation and now they want to meet with me because they are "concerned" with some of the things i said in it. Immediately i'm wondering who sent them a copy so i tell him that i have to find that out first and then i'll call him back. As it turns out (after a few phone calls mind you - my mum played innocent saying she knew nothing (later admitted she did know but was afraid to tell me), the sister i had visited previously told me who it was) my son-of-and-elder and ever-loyal-to-the-organization brother in-law had decided to be a hero (ok maybe he did it out of concern) and send the letter to an elder in my congregation. This brother in-law hadn't even read the letter, he refused to after hearing of the contents, he just sent it off, not fully understanding what it said.

  Now i ring the elder back and explain that the letter was addressed to my family only, and the person who had sent it had no authorization to do so. I also explain that i'm not going to meet with the elders becuase i'm going through alot in my life right now and i just need a break and to be left alone and, and that the letter was a rather impulsive response to alot of crap i was copping at the time and in hindsight i probably wouldn't have said the same things. He is a good brother and empathetically says ok but if i ever need anyone to talk to just call.

  So i'll have to wait and see if that satisfies the other elders or not. Luckily i'm moving out of the area in a few weeks and hopefully i'll be left alone. However the advice i need is how i can go about retreving the copy of the letter they have. I wrote alot of personal feelings in that letter which were for the eyes of my family only and i really do not like the knowledge that they have read it, continue to have a copy of it, and that it may stay with my congregation records. I'm going to find out from my brother in-law which elder he sent it too and ring that elder to ask for the letter, and any copies that have been made, to be returned to me. But if he declines the request do i have any legal right to demand that he fulfills my wishes? I've thought of calling a solicitor for legal advice but i thought i'd ask everyone here first incase any of you might have been in a similar predictament in the past.

  Anyway, i appreciate you taking the time to read this and i thankyou for any help you can give me.

  Owen (HalfWayThere)
• 

  Camay

  I dont know much about JW but they should give you the letter back.
  My boyfriend is 27 and is going thru something similar. Tonite
  he went to a meeting and is still there getting grilled about his
  living arrangements with me.

  I wish he was stronger like you but he is falling for the "elders needed to talk" routine.

  But back to your letter. 1st I would request it be returned because it doesnt belong to them. Maybe the only way to get it back is to go see what they want. Then again if they get a hold of you they may just
  scare you into repenting and staying. Hopefully some on this board
  can help you. I am not a witness and have no knowledge outside of the
  fact my so called live in boyfriend experience. They are driving him
  MAD.
• 

  ridgerunner57

  Welcome to the world of cults. They will turn your family on you. You felt safe? Don't feel that way again in dealing with these people. And your family are "those people" at this time. You aren't getting your letter back. It is written in stone at headquarters now. You will be left alone when you decide that it is a cult and they have no power over you. Your help can only come from within you.
• 

  apostate

  Tell them if they don't appologize and send the letter back immediately you will hire some russian hackers to send millions of emails every day, showing from the Watchtower's own litarature how they banned organ transplant and removed it quietly a decade later and causing the death of thousands of innocent people. And you don't stop till all of those elders involved will be disfellowshiped with all their families and friends and all those who feel sorry for them! It will work!

  Only a brain washed Watchtower Clown can't see problem with the organ transplant ban. There is nothing wrong with braking up the works of the Devil.
• 

  wasasister

  I've lived through a version of this. Please do not overreact and look like a fanatic.

  First of all, I don't need to tell you it was a mistake to write down incriminating things. You cannot undo a written statement. Let's not dwell on this aspect, as it is non-productive.

  Secondly, what is your stake in remaining in "good standing"? Does a relationship with family and friends mean enough to you that you might be willing to be less than honest with the elders? Only you can answer this question and it differs for each person.

  Lastly, if you decide you must avoid being disfellowshipped at all costs, you may need to play a few cards. It is not the most straightforward approach, but it may be the best course for you. Tell the elders you were experiencing a period of doubt, from which you have since recovered. Let them know you deeply regret the things you wrote and that you were only trying to explain to your closest relatives why you were spiritually weak. Be very clear that you did not intend to influence them in any way, nor did you want to sway others to your point of view. As politely as possible, express shock and dismay that your intimate expressions, intended to be shared only with your family, were passed on to outsiders.

  If they press the issue, remind them that sharing confidential talk is not only condemned in scripture, it is illegal in some states. You may want to seek the advice of a local attorney as to whether laws have been broken.

  You are obviously on thin ice and are exposed on some level. What you do from here on depends mostly on what you have to lose if your true feelings are known. For many of us, sacrafices of honesty are necessary in order to keep in touch with loved ones inside the Organization.

  Best wishes,
  Was
• 

  bajarama

  In America when you're arrested a cop states your rights. One of the things your told, "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say, can and will be used against you in a court of law". With the elders or any witness this same rule is in effect.

  It sounds like the elders will have more than one witness against you if they decide to try to bring you before a judicial commitee. It all depends on what you wrote in the letter to your family. If you wrote about any df'ing worthy matters, I believe the elders will call a judicial commitee. At that point you will have few options.

  Go or don't go.

  I wouldn't give the elders satisfaction of grillin' me.

  You need to decide where you stand on the issues. I suggest finding the web site "beyond jehovah" I don't remember the url but you can go to dogpile.com and search under "beyond jehovah" or "jehovah's witness". Do some more research and then make a firm descion.

  You never mentioned if you were baptized or not, it sounds like you are though?

  I would say the next move will be the elders. I would try to let fade, don't go to meetings. You said that your moving soon is there any way you can leave earlier? I would get out of town or play it real low key, don't answer the phone, don't answer the door (the elders even showed up at my work place). I wouldn't even stir the pot with the family for a long time, try to let die. If you can just fade away from the whole witness scene, just maybe the elders will let you go with out being shunned.

  Maybe one of the old elders on this board can tell you how to avoid the elders til' you leave town. I don't know if the elders can Df' you if they are never able to make contact with you?

  Good Luck and let us know what happens.

  (of the "they kicked my ass out, and I'm happy about it class")

  bajarama
• 

  hippikon

  I don’t like your chances of getting it back. Even if they do they will almost certainly keep a copy. Usually If you give them a letter of disassociation they will want to have a meeting to see if you really meant it or it was as you say and impulsive act. The elders are not allowed to try and talk you out of disassociating yourself but you can retract it on your own volition which is what it sounds you have done. It may pay to put the retraction in writing for their records. If you do seek legal advice keep it to your self

  "But it does move"
  Galileo
• 

  expatbrit

  Halfway:

  Moving in a few weeks may be the ace up your sleeve.

  In the meantime, it may be best to just let the letter issue die quietly. Keep to the line about it being an impulsive reaction. Be a bit contrite if the elders corner you. Miss most of the meetings in the next few weeks.

  Hopefully you've kept your move quiet so they don't know about it? If so, just go and don't tell them where. If not, you will probably be pressured into informing the new cong. secretary of your arrival. Or the elders may well keep a trace on you through your family. When we moved I turned up a few times at the new hall, then stopped. I'm not sure if this was a mistake or not. My wife is still in, so there was no possibility of just disappearing completely. Having a record card turn up with no person might have generated more interest than putting in a brief appearance and fading, imo. So if your record card does follow you, you may wish to consider going to one or two meetings and then fading out.

  In short: avoidance wherever possible; if not possible, say nothing of substance.

  Like you, I will sooner or later have to deal with family who are still in. Up to this point, I've avoided the crunch in the faint hope of finding a way to just go quietly without risking the shunning thing, but I suspect there must be unpleasantness to come sometime. This is just something that will have to be accepted, I guess, when it comes.

  Best of luck.

  Expatbrit
• 

  Prisca

  Another Aussie on this site had trouble and wanted out, so he moved, but said he was moving to another state, and gave the elders an address, saying it was the address of the secretary in his "new" congregation. He actually gave them the address of a friend, who passed on his records when the elders sent them to the friend's address.

  There is another poster here who did the same. It worked, and enabled him to quietly "dissappear". You could give this a try.
• 

  JT

  halfway

  you will be just fine- but you have made the mistake of talking to a jw about how you feel about the org- FOR ALL YOU LURKERS OUT THERE NEVER TELL ANYONE HOW FEEL

  AS FOR the letter you will never get it back so chalk it up and move on

  you are on the right road and we will support you all the way

  one of the nice things about the net is you can get the needed advice on HOW TO LEAVE THE ORG ON YOUR TERMS

  this is the key to leaving with your mental state in tack-

  my wife and i planned our get away for over 6 months and we left on our terms and it feels great

  at this point we don't even care what happens

  we have been out for 3 yrs and life is good

  stay here on this site and you will get all the help you need

  james