Know anything about the law and abusive relationships?

by Brummie 9 Replies latest social relationships

  • Brummie

    A couple have a stormy relationship, the girl has a few affairs, both seperate on and off during which time the girl phones the guy to tell him which man she is sleeping with that week. They have children even though both are only in thier early 20's. The children are being put in danger because the mother is sleeping with druggies who smoke around the children. The father is posessed with the young woman and cant break the emotional ties, he "loves" her. He begins to suffer from depression and just cant move on or break his addiction to her... (does anyone have any information on dealing with this obsession?)

    When the father tries to break away from the woman she constantly calls him and texts him telling him she will never leave him in peace. So no matter how he has tried to leave her, she gets him back. She also starts sending threatning texts to the family of the father. One day she gets back together with the father, goes round to his house, an argument hits off and he throws a little phone book at the mother, it cuts her face, he refuses to let her leave the house until she has sorted something out, police turn up and arrest the father charging him with assualt, handcuff him and escort him away to spend the evening in a cell. He has never reported any of the above problems with the girlfreind to the authorities but now the police see HIM as the criminal and threaten him with 3 months prison when he turns up at the hearing on Wednesday this week.

    Will he get 3 months? Is that how the law works? Can the police dish out a sentence even before the hearing? They seem to have took no notice of his plight and I am biased because he is my brother, but she has turned up with someone elses lovebites even when she has been with him. She has a foul mouth and always calls him a dickhead and other names, she seems to have sucked the life right out of him, now his depression seems out of control, he has even tried suicide and is threatning to do it again, but is very angry also. He was raised a JW but left in his teens. He now looks like an abusive partner and she looks like the victim, I disagree with him on throwing the phone book but under the same circumstances I wonder if I'd have thrown it too.

    Anyone else been in an abusive relationship that can offer advice?


  • termite 35
    termite 35

    Hi Brummie; sorry to hear of your brother's problems at the moment.Everything sounds rather messy for them

    Throwing the phone book and barring her from leaving the house was stupid and has unfortunately left him open to the type of action he will now face. It was'nt self defence, but a lack of control that caused him to lash out; where will it lead/what will he throw next time? a fist? a knife? This has to stop now.

    You say he has never reported the texting to the family to the police; but although abusive , it is not the same as becoming violent - (did she ?) I can see how her behaviour has led him to become unbalanced and desperate for answers, but it sounds to me like they are both unwilling to face the inevitable.

    I wonder what her reason for taunting him is if she occasionally wants to hook back up with him? I'm assuming she's doing all this to hurt him as she has the power over his emotions- but why ? Perhaps she is seeking validation through a string of affairs.Was she always like this?

    If it was my brother I would get him into councelling so he could learn to live without her and he can then become the adult in this co-dependant abusive relationship, after all; one of them needs to be. What she does is then up to her

    .As for the 'children' , could they not decide where they wanted to live? If their mother's lifestyle dos'nt suit them or hurts them they are old enough to see it and act.

    I hope everything works out

    I do not know about the sentence the police can hand out- but someone I will not name did get an injunction for a situation similar to this - the police did'nt continue as the charges were dropped- now they do seem more keen to refuse to see a distinction between violence and a 'domestic,

    Your brother is lucky to have you Brummie; I hope it all works out in the end for him.The wife does sound a bit of a shrew to put it mildly...

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    Depending on where you are he could get off with a slap on the wrist or do a bit of time. They might recommend an anger management program.

    He needs to get a restraining order against her. He needs to begin to document her visits/contacts and the problems. He also needs to document who she is seeing so he can better defend his right to the children and any safety issues when they are with her. That might mean getting social services involved.

    He might benefit from counseling and a few self-help books. Issues such as co-dependency, relationship addictions and the myriad of books on spousal abuse would be helpful. He would have to change the gender but if the shoe fits he will find himself all over those pages.

    Some cities actually have counseling programs for male victims of violence. Check with the spousal abuse hotline. I'm not sure what country you are in but check the front of your phone book for phone numbers

    If you want more info you can contact me at

  • Brummie

    I appreciate hearing from you two. Termite, my brothers children are age 1 and 2 1/2. These have been used against him in many ways. He had tried to severe ties with their mother before and she used the children as emotional blackmail. Now it seems he cant live without her or the children, and finally she has something to stop him getting custody should he attempt it. Thats how the cookie crumbles I guess. You are right, he lost control, it wasnt self defense. He is a physically strong guy but this little woman has so much power over his mind, if he ever had of hit her he would have caused a lot of damage, she knows how far to push him. I have only told half the story, she is currently writing to other men and my brother found the letters as well as the replies. Too graphic, but you can see how this would bring him to breaking point. BTW She is voilent and has a voilent history. My brother does not have a voilent history until now.

    Ladylee, I live 200 miles from my brother but I have tried to get a restraining order against her going to my parents house. The police refused to take any notice of me because I am not personaly being victimised. My brother lives at my parents house so my parents are having to suffer this too (both in their 60's and my dad seriously ill). She was screaming and shouting in my Parents house Saturday night when I phoned them, so it was me who phoned the police to go and remove both of them from my parents house, the way it turned out was my brother got arrested and she looks like the victim, I have tried countless times to talk my brother into seeing sense but he is totally unable to let her go. I cant work it out, when he tries she taunts him with the kids, its as if she is tempting him to madness. She wont let him be and he cant let her go.

    Geesh, I can only relate it to mind control. I am a counsellor so do have an insight into how the mind works to a degree, but when it comes to family its hard to approach them as a counsellor over a brother. He has had counselling from another source but it seems they make things worse.

    Sad thing is my brother is only in his early 20's same as the girl. There's much more to life.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Brummie, I can't believe I just noticed this thread. Yeesh, I can be so brain dead sometimes.

    I think you and Lady Lee are on the right track as to his motivations, but I wonder about approaching this situation from a different angle. You say that she dates drug users, here in the States we could call up Child Protective Services who would send someone over to investigate the living conditions of the children. I would be able to inform them of everything this psycho woman is involved in. I'm certain there is a corresponding agency in the UK.

    If (and that's a big if) they catch her being untoward it might be enough to remove the children from that house. Now that doesn't solve the situation for your brother, but at least it would get the children out of harm's way.

    I'm afraid your brother will have to bottom out some way with respect to this relationship before he can turn it around. Clearly there is something deep seated that is motivating his need for this type of abuse from this woman. You might want to be careful not to be too involved in his situation Brummie. I would be concerned that you don't get sucked into this somehow, if not literally than at least on a emotional level.

    This is a tough one. Unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do to help your brother until he wants to face it. But then you probably already know that.

    Keep us posted, okay? Good luck.

  • termite 35
    termite 35

    Sorry Brummie; when you said;

    'they are in their early twenties' I thought you meant the kids

    Our equivilent of Tex's child protective services is Social Services - they would asssess the conditions the children live in- they may also place them on an 'at risk' register.The police may investigate drug posession and use; and will also inform Social Services. After that, it is'nt up to you any more...

    Maybe a good solicitor is the best idea at the moment at least your brother would'nt have to feel threatened by his wife as regards the children. Until he is prepared to stand against his wife it dos'nt look like anything will change for him.

    By the way- someone was sent to prison in the UK for 5 years today for sending insulting and threatening text messages...

    love and all the best; termite

  • Brummie

    Words of wisdom Big Tex & Termite, I appreciate your replies, BT I only just saw your reply.

    Well he has to go to the Court in the morning, I'm pretty sorry for him, he's torn up emotionally, termite I will get social services phone number or address and tip them off (didnt know you were in England). My family let his girlfriend get off with just a caution when she sent the harrasing texts, thats what my family is like, they dont like trouble. I would have pushed it the whole hog and got her facing court proceedings but she never text me and police say I cant take action against her for harrasing my parents. I cant believe she had the audacity to turn up at my parents house in the first place.

    Anyway, its all a mess and I dont want to be giving y'all the headache.

    Will let you know how he gets on tomorrow. Thanks for your responses, truly appreciated.


  • confuzcious


    Sorry to hear about your problems.

    I know you know a little about my situation.

    It's a little different, but I was nearly ran over TWICE by my ex wife in her car. I was also kicked in the chest by her.

    As long as it is not reported to the police, it's like it never happened.

    If it was my brother, I would tell him to "eat it" before the courts. Just admit he lost control. Don't try to blame anything on her.

    Then encourage him leave and stay gone.

    There was two reasoning points that helped me deal with breaking the emotional ties...

    1) Think of the relationship like a child with an old toy. You once played with it and now it's old and broken. It's sitting on the floor. Dad picks it up and throws it away. The kid cries. Suddenly, it seems the toy has some value because it's gone and out of his reach.

    His wife is like that bad toy. He's "crying" not because it was a good toy, it's just gone now.

    Also, I'm going to send you a private message for the second point.

  • Brummie

    Thanks a million for your thoughts confuzcious, appreciated your PM and good reasoning too. I will PM you later, I have only popped in here to feed my addiction to this place and I'll get back to you through PM when I get chance a little later.

    BTW He went to court today and it got postponed until 4th June. He has a Solicitor now and I'm hoping things will all come out into the open. Thing is I have been told that he is still protecting the girlfriend and doesnt want to get her in trouble!

    I take my brothers side simply because he is my brother, but I am aware they are both as bad as eachother in the head department, still he hasnt done the bad things she has done to him and he is no threat to the children where as she is.


  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    Anyway, its all a mess and I dont want to be giving y'all the headache.

    Come on Brumm, that's what friends are for. If you can't come to your mates, then whose shoulder can you cry on? I'm afraid your brother is in the soup with this woman, and she will drag him down. If/when that happens, please protect yourself. It hurts, but at the end of the day, you can control yourself, not others.

    I like the "y'all". Very Texan of you.

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