How do you talk about your adult children, who is getting ready to royally screw up things

by Tameria2001 3 Replies latest social family

  • Tameria2001

    I have two sons, both in their 20's. The youngest son has it all figured out, and he is doing great, but my older son (2 years older than his brother) well that is a totally different story.

    My eldest has always wanted to do things the hard way, and he has always been this way. My husband and I done our best to guide them when they were younger, but we ultimately let them make their own decision in the matter, whatever ever it might have been. When it came to romance we pretty much stayed out of it, unless he came to us for advice, but the end decision was his own.

    But his wife has come to us about some serious issues that are going on between the two of them. I won't go into the details of the matter, but it is getting so bad that she is seriously thinking about divorcing him. They also have a six-month-old son. I asked her if she thought about going to a marriage counselor. She has asked him about this, but he told her that he will flat out refuse to talk to a stranger. She did say that he talked to his best friend about some private matters, and his friend told him that he was in the wrong, and he needed to apologize to his wife about it. He has never apologized to her about anything. I'm not sure where he got that from because we did not raise him up to be like this.

    I'm not sure if there is anything that his father or I can say to him to get his head out of his @$$, but I would hate for him to destroy his family. At this point in time, his wife is still willing to work things out, but her husband needs to stop doing what he is doing. Any suggestions on what we can say to our son, that will at least get him to think about what he is doing.

  • blondie

    Unfortunately, Tameria2001, some of us have to learn the hard way through personal experience. That was the case for me regarding the WTS and leaving. I went through many separate hard ways before I got the message. I learned at Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics that I could not change others, maybe tell them how I saw the situation (12th step), but the only person I could change was me and with some outside help that I asked for. I don't have any children, but I took my 2 younger step-siblings into my home as a single person, right in the middle of their teen years and from a very dysfunctional home. It was an quick and difficult education about how to parent.

    All I could do was set a good example and not be a nag, point out the possible bad outcomes.

    Just be supportive and loving as you can, try to be there when you can. As adults, they are responsible for their actions and know where they might get help from others.

    Love, Blondie

  • Vanderhoven7

    Does your eldest son know that his wife has talked to you?

    Have you brought up the subject of his unacceptable behaviour with him yet?

    Marriage partners who know they are in the wrong usually resist counseling because they don't want to expose their behavior to criticism and they want to continue in it.

    Although you have hesitated to reveal specifics usually in situations like this it involves controlling behavior of sorts.

  • Incognigo Montoya
    Incognigo Montoya

    My advice, as a guy who has traveled down a similar path, it sounds like your son is headed, sit him down and have an intervention. Do it, only once, be blunt, honest, and harsh about what he's doing and the repercussions. He should know you care enough about him that you'll drop everything and give him some tough advice. Ultimately, its his choice to take the advice, and if he chooses to keep acting in the same fashion, then it's all on him. You did what you could. What do you all have to lose? His family is headed for certain break up of he does not change his ways. Perhaps a serious talking to by his parents is what he needs. If it fails, you tried. As I said, do this only once, and once finished, dont bring it up again, and nag at him about it. As much as you can see the error in his ways, it's his life and his consequences. Some people have to learn the hard way. You cant live his life for him. When he looks back at his life, later on, he will see you tried. I hope it all works out for you all.

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