by Sanchy 106 Replies latest jw friends
Hello Sanchy,
Enjoyed reading your post and I think you've handled matters very well so far. I, like you purely left over doctrine, and was also suppressing doubts for years that were too important to ignore. I can also say that I didn't dislike anyone in my Cong, and don't blame individuals in the org- its just a monster that's evolved into being. Well done on finding the courage to be true to yourself.
Five or so hours in and we are at a 4th page. I will answer before I read other answers, as I may never catch up otherwise.
I was serving as an elder longer than you, but found it relatively easy, family-wise, to walk away in my case, so I will say things from that perspective and try to empathize with a different situation that you are in.
For years, I had questions bugging me. Like you I put them aside with the typical "I'll receive my answer one day". But they only grew and more problems with the religion came up. I eventually caved in and simply googled "Jehovah's Witnesses" and went everywhere the links took me. But to be fair, I took years and years to get to that point. You are way ahead of me if you are an elder 4 years.
I could not stay in the congregation and try to encourage my wife out. I did quite a bit of that, and didn't get too far. I had to be free of it myself, for my personal sanity and mental health. She's still a faithful JW, but not as hardcore as I would have thought. So I have that.
While it wouldn't have worked for me, some stayed active JW's, at least in appearance, and helped their loved ones out with studying and questioning. It can be done. No apostate literature is needed, but it is helpful to prepare yourself with it, then just use Watchtower literature to help your wife.
Congratulations on your resignation as an elder. This is a huge step. I did the "doubt" thing myself, similar to your summary.
While it's tough that your entire family is in the org., you can start to have friends on the outside. I hate the slight double-life thing but I don't have too much choice. My best friends are from this forum and other ex-JW's. So they are not my wife's friends.
Your wife said that if you leave the religion, she will teach it to them. I would tend to believe her. She also said you've made her life so much more difficult now. Don't let her hang that on you, it isn't true. I get that and it's hard to release, but the comeback is that each person must take their own spiritual journey and find their own path. I wish there was an easy answer here, but there isn't. The easiest thing to do for a short peace is to let her be, but as you love her so much, you want to help her to think for herself and use her freedoms.
Isn't it a joke that "the branch" has to approve your resignation? They did that to me, too. I didn't want to make waves, so I said "Do what you want, but I am done- approval or not." I quit in August and they didn't get an answer until October and I didn't tell anyone in the congregation that I wasn't an elder, except my wife. But I sat during meetings without responsibilities, I wore a red sweater instead of a suit jacket, kind of signifying that I wasn't even available to do any assignments. I commented a little bit to say that I wasn't "in trouble."
The main thing about removing yourself from responsibility is to retain relations with your family, so good job. Don't worry so much about the friends. Heck, I lost my absolute best friend over this matter of "fading."
If your situation persists for years, as is highly likely, you can get help from others here who have had children caught in the middle. I wish you well. Oh, and your reading wasn't terribly long at all. Thanks for sharing another "Waking up" story.
patkim: When I first uncovered the real truth about my own religion, I asked myself where do I go now? I answered that question by telling God, if he is real and I am wrong to please help me see it. All it did was open my eyes even further to the terrible realization that my own religion was a complete lie based on rules of men and empty interpretations that constantly need adjustments because they are NOT from God.
I can relate to that. When I was really beginning to think somthing was wrong in JWdom, I stopped at a certain interstate rest area on the way from work late at night. I walked into a field, looked up at the stars and begged for guidance in determining whether JWs were what they claimed to be, etc. I did this many, many times, sometimes on my knees.
During this process, it was like scales fell off my eyes and I began to see the org for what it really is.
Our stories are so similar Sanchy. I remember trying to gently reason with my wife only for things to morph into an emotional argument right in front of our toddler. If I could give one piece of advice for now, it's this:
Your wife is pregnant. She's already under tremendous stress, discomfort and her emotions are likely to be flying all over the place. You need to focus on having that baby safely. It's not a good time to put your wife under any unnecessary stress or anxiety right now. After the baby has been born and she has recovered then you can continue to ask questions and shape her towards a future marriage life that isn't controlled by the capricious edicts of an American sect.
Congratulations on a soon to be new member of your family and thanks for sharing your story!.
P.S. Tim Drake 1914's advice on page 1 is pure gold!
Hi Sanchy and welcome!
May I offer a woman's perspective? Your wife has a lot on her mind with a toddler and new baby almost here. Between you stepping down, expressing your doubts, a pregnancy, and a young child to care for her stress level is probably high and her energy/ability to deal low. Do your best to support and love her and throw yourself into fatherhood, now you will have the time to do that since you're not wasting so much time on being an elder. What you do and how you treat her will go farther than poking holes in doctrine. Many JWs in the younger generations (I'm 40) seem not to be concerned with doctrine, it's about family, social, and hierarchy. But if you do talk about something--go SLOW!
I was aware of the 607/1914 error for 20 years before it bothered me. I was aware of child abuse issues before I had my babies and it bothered me, but not enough to leave JWs. Once I had my children, I could not stop thinking about it. One day hubby and looked on the jw.org site news section and the Candace Conti verdict was posted! The next day we returned to the site to show my mom and it had been removed! What? So then I scoured the Internet to find more about the case and Pandora's box was open. From reading the all the media and court case info I could find it was beyond clear that the WT does not care about damage done to children from abuse nor do they protect children, or even do the right thing after the fact by reporting to authorities.
You are in a unique position to share some insight with your wife, since you were an elder with the inside scoop on how child abuse is handled. You can let her know you couldn't in good conscience administer or back up WT policies on child abuse. And you don't have to show her anything apostate. There seem to be news articles every couple weeks about some JW perv.
Again, I would stress not to make big issues right now. Just take a deep breath, love your wife, and your sweet babies.
Wishing you all the best with your family!
EyesOpenHeartBroken
Sanchy - welcome and look forward to your contributions. As many others have said, you are not alone! Your story sounds similar to mine and many others here.
It took me much longer to step down and you've probably saved yourself some sleepless nights, although with a new baby on the way, you'll be getting plenty of those!!
Just don't make any drastic decisions and if you decide to fade, DON'T mention doubts anymore. The stress of taking care of a young family should be enough to get them off your back.
I feel one of the biggest advantages of this site is that it allows people to vent in a way they really can't do with people they know!
Hi Sanchy, your story and mine are similar. Even the part about FL, I am from SWFL.
I was an MS for ten years and then an Elder for the next ten... I was ready to kill myself even though I had two little kids. I was also killing myself slowly with alcohol. I ended up having a breakdown at the KH right before I was to start the meeting.
My wife has been supportive of my mental health now, and we very rarely discuss 'spiritual' things. I am happy, calm, sober and love my family more than anything...
I wish you the best, show lots of love to your family, be a great husband and Dad!
