Hoping this is the right section....
My story so far,,,
Hello everyone, i have been reading a lot on what most JWs would say apostate websites, but i have been asking myself, how much of this s true and considering a lot of these are run by ex Jw elders, bethalites and one who was with the GB at one stage, overseers and the like. I was an Unbaptized Publisher many years ago but never got to the point of Baptism as i fell into sin, that pretty much ended my attending meetings again. I did the right thing i thought, and went to the elders about it and had the meeting in the room, but i was a little annoyed at some of the questioning they adopted.(Now i see why as i have the shepherding the flock book)........ Anyway i decided to disassociate myself or pretty much just stopped going to the meetings, i believe they call that fading away, and i didn't think it was appropriate for me to go out and tell others about being good if i wasn't. So rather than bring reproach on Jehovah's name i faded away quietly. But towards that end, when i did go to the meetings. i felt like there were eyes everywhere waiting for me to mess up, and as soon as i did, the elders would pounce, maybe it was just me. I didn't really feel welcome there anymore, again just me probably. Anyway i had no one in my family in the truth and i was living on a farm at this point on my own, then i met my partner, she wasn't in the truth, tho i tried to talk to her about it, she didn't really want to know about it as she sees Jehovah as a God who hates Woman. At first she did study up until the headship issue in the study article and that was that.
Anyway we have 3 kids now and we have been together for the best part of nearly 20 years, but we have never married. She doesn't want to get married. Anyway, i have never stopped praying to Jehovah and had those knocks on the door in all the places we moved to by those out on the field service.
Recently i started to attend a meeting here where i live now in Oz, and a pioneer suggested i restart a Bible study with him, i am like yeah why not. This is where the problem is. I have been told that i will have to at some point marry my partner or make a stand and consider leaving my family, As the Bible says, i am living an immoral life, but at the same time the Bible states that i have a responsibility to look after my family, and doing this would leave all of us on the streets, something God wouldn't like to see. I now find myself battling with my heart over this and the fact that all i have read about JWs doctrines and cover ups and doing my own research pointing to the fact that their faithful and discreet slave have or are misinterpreting the scriptures. I am now more lost in the scriptures than making sense of it all. The more i look into it the more damming it is for JWs reasoning on scriptural stuff. I am like now scared to death of Jehovah thinking that no matter what i do now, i will feel his wrath no matter what. I am like what now, Armageddon is coming and that will be the end of me cause i am a immoral sinner and there is no salvation for me. I was convinced that i was in the truth all those years ago. Like as soon as i talked about getting baptized, i fell to sin, thinking, well that was Satan stopping me from obeying Jehovah God, so it has to be the truth. Then i find myself in the same battle again when i read all this about living on the earth forever after Armageddon, then reading about going to heaven in other scriptures that are directed at a great crowd, and was what i was taught all wrong, then i read about the good news being preached in Mathew 24:14, and really thinking about it, only the JWs are doing that, then with the reasoning to myself saying that Adam and Eve had not eaten the fruit they would have never died, thus man living on the earth forever in health. So as you can see my head now is a mess.
I don't know what to think, what is truth, what is not, i go insane now just trying to figure it all out. I said to God, why is it so hard to find you and the truth, what have i done to not see it, or am i really condemned like i have been told if i don't change. Then i ask how can a sinner repent, if that sinner isn't able to repent then whats the point in the sacrifice.
I have also been looking at the Royal Commission and how the GB was trying to beat around the questioning and nearly to the point of deception when asked about all the child abuse, they just wouldn't answer with a straight answer. The cover ups, stuff like that. I have taken it upon myself as well to abstain some books on scriptures with Hebrew and Greek references and seen where the GB have changed some of the wordings around that change the meaning of the scriptures. Looking into the history of Russel and Rutherford and how they come up with their stuff. Half have no basis at all.
The other scary thing is this new light concept. My understanding is this, if it was light from God in the first place, why was it adjusted later on, Jehovah it says in the Bible, is not a God of confusion. And Angels directed to give this information wouldn't dare say something other than what they were told to say, unless these angels were not the righteous ones we know about.Then they say they are not directed by spirit, but buy spirit directed information The GB say they are prophets, Gods spokesmen, as were the 1st century Christians that put the bible together, but the 1st century Christians got theirs right the first time cause as they said, they were inspired by the Holy Spirit, so i would have thought that the GB would get it right the first time. But then they sau it is food at the proper time, and that the light would get brighter near the end. But all the may time they said the end was coming and those dates came and went
Another thing is what if the GB have lost he fine fight, then come judgement time, they are held to account. What then for all the witnesses following them, do they fall as well like those pf Kora in the Wilderness?
And if this is the case, i try to reason with myself, who then are the faithful and discreet slave, or is this all a ploy of Satan's way to drive all away. Then the other thing is the Organization say more and more to be obedient to them, But Deut 18:20-22 say that is a dangerous step to take. I was always under the impression that Jesus said, all come to me and put your heavy burden on me, i am the way, the life and the resurrection. There is nothing in the Bible that suggests there was an organization before and during the 1st century, and 1 Corinth 5 i think is not a basis for it if you read it in context and through into Galatians. I have wondered about putting all this to the Pioneer guy i study with, but all i would get is another sitting with the elders or told to study more, but i have been studying for a long time and i see all this in the scriptures..
So all this i have racing around in my head at the moment, and i don't know what the answer is, as i said, i believe in God, Jesus and the Bible, just a little stumbled about the whole GB reasoning
There is more but ill leave it at that for now
Sorry for the rambling, i thought i better give you all an insight in my messed up head