If Jehovah's Witnesses Had a Creed
I believe in Jehovah God, sovereign of the universe,
and in his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord,
who was conceived of the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary,
but was originally created St. Michael the Archangel.
I believe Jesus died for my sins
in the body of a man
and that he was not raised in this body
because for some odd reason God needed it back as a ransom to cover over our sins.
I believe Jesus will return as promised
and indeed has returned in 1914
but nobody saw it because it was invisible.
I believe that God inspired the Holy Scriptures,
requiring mankind to read and study it as a requisite for everlasting life
but that God filled it with hidden meanings that could only be understood
some 2000 years after the events it describes by self-appointed members
of the Governing Body.
I believe without the Governing Body's instruction
the Bible's words are powerless to save.
I believe that 1975 was a date only some weak Jehovah's Witnesses
hoped would be the time for the end
and that apostates lie when they say the Witnesses taught it officially
even though the Governing Body apologized for the 1975 debacle in the 1980s
( and you only apologize for something you did).
I believe that before the generation of 1914 passes away that Aramgeddon will come
and replace the present system with a paradise earth.
I believe that generation has been going on for over 100 years now,
and that the current overlapping generations explanation is truth.
I don't believe in hell or hellfire.
But I do believe, hope, and happily look forward to the day when
Jehovah will bring the death of millions of non-JWs by literal fire on earth.
I believe Jehovah plans to very soon slaughter the children of non-Witnesses
like Pharaoh and Herod slaughtered the innocent children of their day.
I believe that all other people are blinded by Satan.
I believe our religion was right when it said that TV evangelism was bad
but that our new JW Roku channel is good.
I believe if you don't call asking for money "soliciting" then it isn't soliciting. That's all it takes.
I believe that sexual child abuse is abhorred by Jehovah's Witnesses
and that victims of such abuse can only be believed if there are two witnesses to the act
and that these child victims should face those they accuse in a judicial meeting
or be silent and swept under the rug.
I believe that most of the relatively new ones who partake of the emblems at the Memorial
have a serious problem, probably mental,
and with about 7000 added since the 1990s, that means there are thousands of JWs
who have mental problems. (Come and surround yourselves with this growing number.)
I believe if you prove faithful now till Armageddon
you will have to prove faithful for another 1000 years
and then pass one more final test before you can be counted worthy of everlasting life,
but if you are of the Governing Body you only have to be faithful once until death.
I believe all these things are true
unless the Governing Body changes these things and has me believe something different tomorrow.