CAWS for CONCERN (Edgar the Crow gives fair warning)
CAWS for CONCERN!
He says he's B.G. Malone.
(A vagrant escapee from a butterfly net and he's on Starbucks' patio jabbering non-stop at me!)
Bee Gee is carrying a cheap guitar held together with lots of duct tape.
His baseball cap, dark glasses, and grizzled 'old prospector' beard is stubbly salt and pepper colored.
He has an annoying twang in his vocal delivery, like the love child of Buck Owens and Gabby Hayes. (Look em' up, youngsters.)
He shouts at his own body parts, snapping commands to his knees:
"Bend, damn ya--BEND!"
He's been jabbering non-stop for ten minutes looking in my direction--as though--I am interested. Hint: I am not; except as an object of writing just now.
He's ended a few 'sentences' with the inexplicable: 'That possum's on the stump, fer sure.'
I'm now the wiser for having Bee Gee explain to me about his hopefully estranged girlfriend, "Her heart is a thumpin' gizzard."
His best friend ran off with her and he's an 'egg suckin' dog.'
Apparently, he had 'done gone playin' music at a local tavern' when he left the two of them alone. What happened next was this.
"The two of them got busier than a cat coverin' crap on a marble floor."
I hope I don't know what that means!
So far, he hasn't asked me any questions. I may not even really be visible. I wish the reverse were true!
Oh, Sweet Jeezus! He' pulled out a three-foot-long flag pole with a rebel flag! He's swatting bees with it.
This explains and clears up a mystery for me.
About five minutes before Bee Gee showed up in my sacred space, EDGAR the wonder CROW (This crow has been coming around for over a year. I named him, observe him, and write about his antics.) had been screaming in crow language, five sharp "Caw Caw Caw Caw Caws."
He was giving either I or his fellow fledges a 'Head's Up!"
EDGAR is on a nearby pole right now watching my misery and discomfort.
Why do I suspect he's enjoying it?
I live in the South, in Fort Worth, and I've heard my share of colloquial and folk expressions. I have never heard what's coming out of Bee Gee's bewhiskered old mouth before!
I'm writing them down as fast as he comes out with them!
I posted them on Facebook earlier today, like a stenographer, as fast as I could:
More Bee Gee Malone observations:
"He’s so cheap he wouldn’t give a nickel to see Jesus ridin’ a bicycle."
"I couldn’t buy a hummingbird on a string for a nickel."
AND...the very disturbing:
"Those pants were so tight I could see her religion."
This guy should be grabbed by scientists and studied in a laboratory.
He doesn't stop talking!
More wild and weird folk banter:
He doesn't know whether to "check his ass or scratch his watch."
He said he's "as confused as a fart in a fan factory."
This next one is beyond anything I've ever heard:
"Happier than ol' Blue layin' on the porch chewin' on a big ol' catfish head."
Bee Gee's former best friend: "He's so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss."
He's still at it!
"I feel like I been 'et by a wolf and sh** off a cliff."
YAAAY! Bee Gee just got up and went inside next door, shouting to his arms, telling them to pull--dammit-pull. I feel sorry for whoever is inside that business. (It'a Battery company.)
He is back out. I think he was finally run off.
Bee Gee squinted at the bright sun and offered one last bit of wisdom before he hobbled off down way.
"It’s hotter than two rabbits screwin’ in a wool sock!"
This was epic. Howled with laughter. "Those pants were so tight I could see her religion"...and I'm dead!
His manner of speaking sort of came through like the old character actor, Slim Pickens. Except, Pickens was charismatic and interesting. This fellow B.B. made you want to hide from him.
His language was rich, however!
I couldn't write it all down fast enough.
I'm glad you did get it down. It was hilarious.
That day was a one off.
There are a lot of 'regulars' and B.G. was a novelty.
I think he probably needs very expensive meds