About damn time!

by Adam 3 Replies latest social current

  • Adam

    "What follows is the text of a presidential address which will be given by
    President Bush on July 4, 2003. The source of this material remains

    My fellow Americans:

    As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The
    discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been
    covered thoroughly in the press. An new Iraqi government has been
    established and appears to be stable. Our mission in Iraq is complete. This
    morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from
    Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

    It is now time to begin the reckoning.

    Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which
    have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The
    United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the
    countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first
    list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will
    be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

    Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
    nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
    during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi
    war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
    hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need
    help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

    In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
    money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. I am
    ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi
    Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your
    own problems. Need help? Call Germany.

    On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will
    hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the
    earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe

    Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody
    has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s and World
    War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel. No way,
    Jose. Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys.
    Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all
    of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces
    there. Big tables, too.

    I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
    Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring
    from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

    I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
    diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets
    to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I
    don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets
    tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over
    to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

    A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to
    be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing
    us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire
    corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple
    extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put
    'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by
    the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now.

    It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
    Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying darn tootin'.
    Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
    world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the

    It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate
    homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from

    To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

    To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

    God bless America.

    Thank you and good night.

  • Soledad

    *standing up and applauding* Thank you Mr president!

  • happyout

    Just a note that this is obviously tongue in cheek (although many may wish it was not).


  • teenyuck


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