From the Spirit Realm: Weird Interview: Russell and Rutherford

by TerryWalstrom 8 Replies latest social entertainment

  • TerryWalstrom

    Weird POSTHUMOUS Interview with Russell and Rutherford

    Q: How do you wish to be called? Is it Pastor or Doctor, or what?

    Russell: For many years I served as a Pastor. I never darkened the doorway of an institution of theology to obtain certification in Christendom.

    Rutherford: Call me Judge or Joe, as long as you call me for supper! ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    Q: Very well. Pastor Russell and Judge Rutherford can you briefly describe your relationship?
    Russell: We live on in the capacity of disembodied beings.

    Rutherford: I'm serving in an executive capacity in heaven on the board, as it were.

    Q: Board? Of what?

    Rutherford: Board of Directors!

    Russell: He only thinks he’s directing!

    Rutherford: I DIRECT the preaching work and oversee the protocols of doctrinal dissemination.

    Russell: He blusters and bullshits!

    Rutherford: Shut yer pie hole, you old fossil.

    Q: Have things changed for you since your demise and resurrection? I far as your mission in connection with Jehovah's Kingdom?

    Russell: Oh my yes! So many things are clearer now than in my earthly state.

    Rutherford: For instance: the first thing you discover in heaven is that God's name isn't JEHOVAH!

    Q: Startling news for a Jehovah's Witness!

    Russell: Not for me...I never was one; although I used "Jehovah" to reference deity.

    Rutherford: At any rate....Jehovah is not the name our Lord prefers to be called. In fact, He despises the very use of it.

    Q: What exactly IS the Lord's name?

    Rutherford: He says it’s Jerry Randolph.

    Russell: I too was shocked.

    Q: How is this possible?

    Rutherford: He says He can call himself anything He likes and He likes Jerry Randolph!

    Russell: All those Jehovah's Witnesses drive him batty with their constant, “Jehovah this and Jehovah that--like they go out on double-dates together or some such.”

    Q: So, can we assume Jehovah's Witnesses ARE God's's chosen people?

    Russell: Oh my no!

    Rutherford: They are on his shit-list!

    Russell: Jerry mainly blames old Freddy Franz. Too much imagination in one little man--and no room left for actual facts!

    Rutherford: And----look around heaven all you like; you won't find Freddy anywhere!!

    Q: Oh! Should we assume he another less appealing place?

    Rutherford: Oh yes! He is in Detroit!

    Russell: In a very small walkup apartment without central heat and air!

    Q: Say whaaaat?

    Rutherford: That's right. He has been set the task of reading all of L.Ron Hubbard's writings and giving a report on them to the Big Guy in the sky.

    Russell: Jerry is fascinated by Scientology! He hasn't made up His mind. He can't understand most of it....

    Rutherford: ...but, He really likes Tom Cruise movies!

    Q: Since you mention Scientology----exactly what IS the only true religion?


    Russell: Oh, I asked Jerry that myself right off when I reached the spirit plane.

    Rutherford: So did I!

    Q: And......?

    Russell: Jerry hasn't made up his mind. He’s sort of leaning toward the Magic 8 Ball.

    Q: This is astounding! The Supreme Being doesn't KNOW which religion is true?

    Russell: His Holiness, Mr.Randolph, insists He is not the SUPREME being. He thinks of Diana Ross as the Supreme being.

    Rutherford: Imbecile! Jerry was making a play on words when He said that! Idiot!

    Q: Um....this raises more questions, naturally....

    Russell: Don't call me idiot, you buffoon.

    Rutherford: Kiss my pucker, whisker boy!

    Q: Gentlemen!! Gentlemen!!

    Rutherford: We're NOT men anymore. I told you. We are spirits in a material world-don’t you listen to Sting?

    Q: All Right. Whatever you like. Can we move on? I'd like to know what purpose God, er uh, Jerry has for mankind. Can either of your give a detailed synopsis?


    Russell: Certainly. Jerry woke up in the middle of the universe in the middle of endless eternity and decided He existed. After that, He was really bored.

    Rutherford: Yes. Who wouldn't be with all that time on His hands?

    Russell: So, He decided to start a hobby or two to occupy Himself.

    Rutherford: And, to cut to the chase, He has been improvising and experimenting ever since then!

    Q: Fascinating!

    Russell: He began toying with..the act of creating. . . using parts of Himself.

    Rutherford: That is where his bosom companion came from that we used to think of as Logos.

    Russell: Yes, but we were wrong, Joe--don't leave that out!

    Rutherford: It was Freddy who was wrong. He wrote most of Watch tower material that didn't make any sense, you see.

    Russell: Don't go scapegoating Franz, Judge. You approved of everything he wrote!

    Rutherford: Hogwash! I had a magazine to fill. I needed SOMETHING to put in it; even the horse plop Freddy churned out.

    Q: Excuse me---are you saying that God and His son are not part of a Trinity?

    Rutherford: You can explain that one, Charlie.

    Russell: Not much to explain, really, God is really bored. He suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder. He switches back and forth all the time.

    Q: Astonishing!

    Rutherford: Worse than that. Tell him, Pastor!

    Russell:Jerry can't really be regarded as "sane" in the same sense that you and I are sane.

    Rutherford: Speak for yourself, Pastor!

    Russell: I WAS speaking for myself! Anyway, Jerry gets depressed. His interaction with humanity is a lot like a young lad with toys.

    Rutherford: Or dinosaurs! He was fascinated with strange concoctions for millions of years!

    Russell: Yes. He came up imaginative and scarifying inventions. Finally, He ended up making them fight and eat each other.

    Rutherford: Then--Jerry sent a huge asteroid to crash into Earth and He started all over.

    Russell: Yes, with HUMANS!

    Rutherford: He was maturing a bit. Humanity was a more refined game.

    Russell: Hardly that!

    Q: Are you saying God did not have the divine purpose temporarily thwarted by man's SIN??

    Rutherford: You can think what you like. Jerry told me He was just making everything up as He went along.

    Russell: Jerry use to love putting a good scare into primitive humans.

    Rutherford: And impressing them with miracles and wonders!

    Russell: Or getting really angry with them when they failed to play the game His way.

    Rutherford: Oh boy--did He ever get angry!!

    Q: Are you saying the Bible isn't true, not fully accurate?

    Russell: The Bible is mainly man’s guesses, opinions and rumors.

    Rutherford: Yes, unfortunately for the True Believers there isn't much substance there after all.

    Q: Amazing!

    Russell: Sigh. Yes, all those theology students may as well be partying it up.

    Q: So then, there is no Hell either?

    Rutherford: Oh YES there is! But, it isn't what humans think it is!

    Q: Explain, please?

    Russell: Hell is a continual seeking to make sense of who God is and what He wants mankind to do.

    Rutherford: Yes, He seems to be sulking right now. He’d love to end it all, but since He can’t ever die--He craves the distractions and the company.

    Russell: What the Judge fails to tell you is that Jerry sometimes will whisper "inspirations" into men's ears and convince them of this or that to start a new religion going and see what kind of marvellous ideas they come up with.

    Rutherford: Like hiring scriptwriters for a movie.

    Russell: I suppose you could say that.

    Q: Such as?

    Rutherford: He really liked what Muhammed did with some the ideas Jerry gave him. That fellow went out and conquered most of the world.

    Russell: Joseph Smith was a favorite for awhile too, don't forget.

    Rutherford: Not as much as you were, Pastor. Don't be modest!

    Russell: Oh my---well, I suppose I should be straightforward and admit I was a favorite of His for awhile.

    Rutherford: Not JUST you! He really liked my style too.....for awhile!

    Q: Are you both saying that has set into motion first one religion and then another and another all through history JUST TO OCCUPY HIS MIND???

    Rutherford: I'd say that's pretty much it.

    Russell: Yes, time is really nagging at Jerry. He is very sick of it!

    Rutherford: Even tried to commit suicide back in the day.


    Russell: You know the story---He got Himself crucified!

    Rutherford: Tried every way He could to get Himself done in!

    Russell: Just one aspect of Jerry's Multiple Personality Syndrome.


    Q: Explain, if you can.

    Russell: Jerry is depressed and pretty unstable. He has done everything there is. He tires easily of the same old same old things.

    Rutherford: That is true! He starts messing with what He has going. It confuses the hell out of people, animals and Earth itself!

    Q: I just don't know what to make of this.....


    Russell: I'm surprised you didn't ask about Satan!

    Q: OH! Yes, please tell me---is there a real devil?

    Rutherford: Nobody knows for sure. Nobody has ever seen the devil. We only hear rumors from the angels that all is not as it seems.

    Russell: Yes, most angels will not discuss Him-whose-name-must-not-be-mentioned without trembling.

    Rutherford: My own opinion is that this is just another of Jerry's darker personality disorders at play.

    Russell: Perhaps. It is difficult to surmise.

    Q: Have the two of you been involved in any SANE aspects of the Preaching work among the group Jehovah's Witnesses?

    Russell: Yes, I write "New Light" doctrines and Joe changes them!

    Rutherford: Ha ha ha ha---that's a good one. ha ha ha ha.

    Q: Is that true?

    Rutherford: Certainly not. Freddy is in charge of that.

    Q: And Fred Franz is where?

    Russell: Nobody knows. However--let me just tell you this one thing. . .whenever Freddy’s name is mentioned all the angels tremble.

    End of Interview

    Terry Walstrom


    For the peculiar Interview with Russell and Rutherford in the Spirit Realm:


  • Finkelstein

    The original head editorial writers of the Watchtower Corporation chew the fat, funny stuff, thanks Terry.

  • scary21

    Oh yes he is in Detroit ! hahahaha

    Terry, you have been on a roll all week.

    Great stuff !!!

  • neat blue dog
    neat blue dog

    Very good writing, I could imagine this in animated form. Great comedic timing and wit. 👍

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    Q. Just one more question before you boys float away or whatever it is you do now. So what's the deal with death, I mean, how could Jerry just continue to let all those people die, I thought he was supposed to be like a loving father ??

    Russell: I know what you're getting at here but first lets clear something up. Let me tell ya' Jerry is more like an annoying little brother than a father. We love him to Reeses Pieces but it really gets to be too much sometimes.

    Rutherford: I hadn't thought of it that way but you know..that's exactly right.

    Russell: Finally you agree with me on something without having to form a committee and take a vote on it...anyway, Jerry means well but he tends to be a bit impulsive...I don't mean to be disrespectful here but let's just say Jerry jumps into things without really thinking them through all the way and boy does he have a temper.

    Rutherford: Right again Chuck...remember the Falkland Island debacle...blamed it on Margret Thatcher and Ronny Regan but that whole thing was Jerry's fault...oh and that Kevin Costner movie Waterworld....Jerry allowed that to happen hoping that someone in Hollywood would come up with a rational explanation for the flood of Noah's day.

    Russell: And don't forget Judge, he also wanted to see what kind of ending they'd come up with....he's still looking for ideas you know.

    Q. Faulkland Islands, Waterworld, what the ?? Let's get back to could he be so cruel to so many people?

    Russell: Well now you've got to try and look at death from his point of view.

    Rutherford: Pffft...oh that's right, I'd almost forgotten how you and the J-Man are of the same mindset....go ahead tell us what you and Jerry's point of view is.

    Russell: In a nutshell, as we already said, Jerry needed something to do so he started know, making stuff. One thing led to another and let's just say he got pretty darn good at it. Think about it, he only stuck with it for 7 days and look how far he got. What I hear tell from the "other creatures" around here is that it was right about the time when the Platypus and the Manatee showed up that things began to go off course.

    Rutherford: Yep...he should have realized that his A.D.D. had kicked in again.

    Q. A.D.D. ??

    Russell: Attention Deficit Disorder...Jerry has it big time and around here it's even considered a God like quality. I mean, have you seen the other planets....hellooo....did you think he just forgot to finish them??

    (speaking of A.D.D....I think I'll finish this interview some other time.)

  • TheWonderofYou

    So we see how impressivly direct your channel from STAR*BUCKS up to our stars (Russel, Rutherford, Franz) in heavenly Jerusalem must be. I should visit a Starbucks too.

  • TerryWalstrom

    In the last hour, the temperature outside Starbucks has dropped from 97F to 93F as clouds elongate and compress, slinky yet sketchily about the blue Stephen King-ish dome of our planet.
    I've been reading a Watchtower from 1900.

    This religion is so-o-o-o-o not the same religion it once was. No improvements at all, as a matter of fact.

    I'd love to have a conference in which Russell's followers, Rutherford's hardcore group, Knorr's (my) era, and subsequent JW's all convene and reveal what constitutes "Truth."
    Surely there would be fisticuffs and bruises to be enjoyed by all.

  • TheWonderofYou

    Archangel Gabriel asks Rutherford who is standing in front of a gate with the inscription ""The little flock", guarding the entering of the newcomers.

    "How many will come yet with heavenly call?"

    Rutherford counting: " 144.003, 144.004, 144.005, 145.000, 148.000 ...OHH, Christ Jesus, my christ Jesus, I should have completed the calling already 1975 or 1940 with my death. Now already everybody wants to achieve the heavenily reward. I made an ass of myself. They dont like the paradise earth.

    Gabriel: "JUDGE!?".

    Rutherford: "Some have to be replaced. Lets sum up the pros and cons. Gabriel, forward the scrolls."

    Russel unamused: "Judge, you will not replace me, you dare ha ha?
    Will you send me back to earth paradise like you did with Bro. Franz? Its really damnable what you are doing as guardian of your "little flock" GATE. Why are you counting at all?"

    Rutherford: "Shut up bro. Its not up to you to speculate whom I will send back to earthly paradise and who remains in heaven. I am prince."

    Voices of a crowd of little sheep in the little flock "We want to remain in heaven, pleeeeaaaase, we liked the rapture, Im sheep 133.333, i like my number" and "we wont go back and there is no paradise yet on earth, its a lie, the world is really so evil at the moment. Your promise of paradise did not come true Judge, Theres no place for us on earth, Shall we go back to our graves?"

    Other newbies who thought they had heavenly hope already achieved in front of the gaite waiting to get entry.
    Gabriel "Hey Prince Rutherford, dont let em wait! Are you completed?"

    Heavenly called ones: "It would have been better to remain in our graves than to wait here in this intermedium state".

    Rutherford: "Wait, there are coming new ones from a new generation, let us wait only a little bit of time yet. Let me write a petition to the Almighty, my doctrin shall not be changed, let us only shift the generation that will be blessed by him."

  • Finkelstein

    This religion is so-o-o-o-o not the same religion it once was. No improvements at all, as a matter of fact.

    That's because the JWS was founded on lies and corruptly devised false doctrines which were more about the proliferation of literature than strongly backed or accurate bible theology.

    Nevertheless it became an organization of power and control for a few men and a secure financial lifestyle.

    In many ways its remarkable it has lasted as long as it did.

    Propagate fear mongering with ignorance while holding up the bible and you can mentally entrap a small segment of the population.

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