Those Wacky Witnesses !!!

by thinker 8 Replies latest jw experiences

  • thinker

    A little background is necessary:

    As many of you know, my wife was in an abusive marriage (to a JW) for many long years. He left her after much coaxing from her. The elders promised to write a letter stating that he was abusive. This letter would follow him everywhere to warn any other woman he might get romantic with.

    It seems doubtful that this letter was ever written. In fact, the abuser had all his privleges back in a month; while my wife was "run out of town". "Tom" (name changed) moved to a new congregation and three years ago he got married again. By a strange set of circumstances my wife heard about "Tom" and his wife "D" having problems, so she search and e-mailed her. The following are "D's" two e-mails with names changed and personal info removed. Please read and comment.

    I have had a nightmare of a relationship over the past couple of years.

    he has an anger management problem, attention deficit disorder, and is

    medicated, however, he is a volatile person. he almost had my house

    reposessed, had the electric disconnected for failure to pay $1788 and I

    took his new car and gave it to my daughter. Life has been awful. the

    elders are understanding..I will be back.

    They have put him on private reproof for abuse. my nerves were bad. I changed the locks on the house, I hide in my

    van when he is volatile. he can sleep then two hours later start up

    again screaming and blaming... I keep my cell phone handy, and have even

    put a deadlock on my bedroom door. this is MY house. I dont think this is

    the way to live.

    I was told by my doctor that I had to contact you for information since

    she feared physical abuse and escalation was next. this is why I tried

    to find you.

    any info you can give me for my safety is most appreciated.

    your parents have told me there was a letter given to the elders to warn

    the second mrs "Tom", yet I didnt get it. no mention of it,

    I have not gotten much support emotionally from him, and I feel the enemy

    is in my own household.

    Any input about his behavior patterns would help.

    I contacted your mom again to tell her I was at the elders for both of

    us- she said you werent believed. Fortunately I am not dependant on his

    income, his anything, and I have been a member of this congregation for

    16 years, and my work place for 9. I have a support system and a cell

    phone, and children who witnessed his behavior. He didnt get away with

    it this time. Let me reassure you. He has a sweet side, but thats what

    hooks his women into staying- thinking it will go back to that. well, it

    never can now. Mr Jeckyl and Hyde is out and is discovered. anything

    you want to disclose to protect me would be more than helpful. thanks a

    million for finding me. your mom said she was protecting you from

    memories by not telling you I was looking for you. No woman needs to go through what we have. Please know I

    appreciate it very much that you are seeking me out . your help will save

    my sanity, and maybe my life later on when my youngest leaves for college

    and I am a captive alone without witnesses. I need to know how bad it

    can get, so I make an appropriate decision. He lives in the room off the

    kitchen, and it has an inner side lock, so if he is there and

    misbehaving, he is not able to get into the house.

    The separation agreement is in the safe deposit box signed and notarized.

    He is only renting the room so I get some of the thousands of dollars

    back....I have lost my credit. the bills he didnt pay or tell me he didnt

    pay were all in my name. He is not what he appeared at first....he is

    sick. and unpredicable. I wonder if there is bipolar in the mix.

    Thanks again. I am afraid and I appreciate your help SO VERY MUCH. I am

    almost 55 years old. I am too old to be this stressed out all the time.

    Please, tell me what I am in for. ThANKS AGAIN. Your mom is right not

    to communicate, but I am asking for help that only you can give, and if

    she had any input into your contacting me, I am forever grateful.

    Hope to hear from you soon, fondly, D.

    Thank you for your letter. Your dad when I had called a few months ago, alluded to a letter that went to the elders. This letter must not exist. His father said "he is a gentle man". He must have hidden his badness from his father completely. If only he knew what an animal his son was... I had no idea what was to come. Not long after we married, we went to empty his apt. it was a mess. He put his stuff on his parents carport, and when we were done, we went to put stuff away, and his mom fussed about his sick dad putting things away. I said "didnt he call you?" "Tom" came and screamed at her. She didnt come back and say anything like "how dare you talk to me like that I am your mother". she obviously was an abused woman to take it. then, on the way home, he said "you'll see, by the time we get home, she will call to apologize" and I wondered why...amazing. she did...the message was on the answer machine. I would have NEVER let my child yell at me.... But for four months I supported him while he went to the employment commission...supposedly daily. He did have dinner on the table, but ate as if he was never fed...stuffed himself. He was 270 lbs.. then he got pneumonia and lost weight...he had such a sweet way..always attentive. I know now , he was just learning all my buttons... It seems that the things he criticized the most about were his own flaws seen in others but not himself. I found out two years ago that my stepfather, who I was always there to help, had molested both my daughters and neice between the ages of 4-7 years old. we tried to go to the police...they didnt arrest him. the married kids are suffering, and the one away at college is suffering Post traumatic stress disorder. I was a raped victim by a stranger in a parking lot at the age of 25. I had resurfaced anger. "Tom" seemed to be attentive that day, at the police dept, but it didnt last. Eventually he took the bastard as I call him, to the dentist in his car to make two dollars... No loyalty except to himself. He let me work two jobs, but when he would come home from one, he was tired...ah, poor thing. I am 8 years older, had single parented 4 children for 12 years, and he comes along and has fatigue? My house has never been this messy. trash and clothes. his car is disgusting. My housepayment, electricity, and propane was his job to pay. He didnt pay for 4 months and I got a forclosure letter. I panicked. I was pale, had palpitations, and was ready to kill. HE NEVER TOLD ME> and then, he begged the money from his mom. He went to the bank, and they said pay partial payments each week. four months later, again, the forclosure notice came with a $570 lawyer fee bill from the bank. I was at work, and "Tom" called me and said "the bank lady called and want s to talk to you- I gotta go to work," and then hung up. I freaked. Then, one hour later, in the middle of a tornado watch, my two teens called to say the electric was turned off and they couldnt watch tv to see if they were in harms way. I left work, came home, took the kids to a hotel, and borrowed $1788.00 to get the electric turned on the next day. He has had about $600-1000 in bounced check/over fees...that I now pay with his paycheck. I give him $20/week for gas, and all the rest goes to bills he owes. He put me over $3000 in the hole, and DIDNT TELL ME. The screaming began after that when I calmly said I knew an antique dealer. to sell his things...He called me a thief, and was going to turn me in to the elders....I told him we needed to do this, I didnt do it behind his back.... I had dental surgery done. All my teeth removed. He stayed home with me, and you guessed it, he slept in the bed while I suffered... He wants me to go to his parents this weekend...(probably so he can get out of house painting). He ruined my credit, so I cant have the titanium implants in for $12000 and so, I eat without teeth in quiet corners of restaurants... He makes food I have to chew. then screams at me at not appreciating what he fixes. He demands and I run. I have been put on anxiety medicine along with my two children..the stress is too much going through menopause with the abuse. My doctor wanted to know all she could. I am too little and defenseless. The elders privately reproved him because he screamed in the neighborhood which gave Jehovah a bad name...they have taken all of his privileges away. no reading, no praying, nothing...he is very nasty on meeting nights- I think he hates me for telling what he has done. My children knew too. He had to apologize in person or in writing to all who knew. My workmates, my parents, your parents, my married children, my father in NJ.. it was tough...but he did some of these apologies face to face. He took it tough when my doctor got ahold of him. She blasted him. He is on medication..and is awful when he forgets to take it. Blaming, arguing at work, criticizing, all sounds the same pattern as when with you. He is a "lazy, self centered abusive bastard"...exactly what he says he is not... Why keep him here? For the money. Thats it. When my last child leaves for college, "Tom" goes. My child was due to leave in Sept, but now decided to go to community buys me more time to get my $ back. He wanted a new car. I paid $500 down..he was late in payments...So, I reposessed it, and gave it to my pioneer married daughter. He was mad. I got the finance corp. to take his name off the loan. so I am paying for a car I hate. but it took 1.5 weeks for my daughter to clean it. It was a new Pontiac Grand Am.. All the bills he failed to pay were in my name. I have no credit to get the teeth done. I am doomed for 7 more years. I had him write a letter and it is notarized to the credit bureaus admitting he didnt tell me he wasnt paying my bills as agreed and that it wasnt my fault. I have so much confusion here, I havent mailed them yet. Then, he complains I spend so much attention on my PTSD ill daughter...HE demands attention like some little kid..He is so immature...cant believe he is 46 ... I have a separation agreement in the safe deposit box. the elders know it is there. "Tom" has no access to it. it is in my name. I told him if he as much as raises his voice at me, I will take it directly to the lawyer and that the clock is ticking. He has tried to start stuff, but has been moderately controlled. He seems worse after getting a good night sleep. as long as he works evening and midnight at two successive jobs, he is too sleeppy to start trouble. He started demanding and yelling on a meeting night, so I drove the car in the opposite direction leaving him home, then I slept in the RV I had before he married me. He yells, I leave. I wont put up with it much longer. I want my money back. I will stay with cell phone and safe til then. However, if he hurts either my child or me, he is out and a restraining order as well as sicking the elders on him will be easy for me....Thank you for your support. I dont blame your actions at all. He knows I wont release him scripturally or else I get disfellowshipped and lose my he is really in the hot seat now... I have great respect for you. you are a survivor. You know what it is to live with "Tom", and I feel exceptionally close to you. I turned him in to the elders so both you and I were validated. My honest prayer is that I would love to see you back in Jehovahs arms and service again. Dont let this demonic man have you lose life. He isnt worth it. I love you Pam, you made it out, and you can come back to Jehovah. Listen, we may be damaged at this point, but remember Jehovah took people/s languages, had them forget the one they knew and gave them new ones at Babel..He can help both of us forget the damage "Tom" caused, and forget "Tom" ever existed. We both just have to get ourselves into the new system. My youngest child left the truth because "Tom" behaved so badly and was a, "Tom" already has a millstone...around his neck. Get to the elders. come back. I am telling you I have taken letters and things I found in his drysink to the elders. This was for both of us...Come back. My best friend..Love, D.

  • thinker

    These quotes got me very upset:

    "They have put him on private reproof for abuse. The elders privately reproved him because he screamed in the neighborhood which gave Jehovah a bad name...they have taken all of his privileges away. no reading, no praying, nothing...he is very nasty on meeting nights- I think he hates me for telling what he has done."

    Sounds like another cover-up is in the works...

    And also:

    "He knows I wont release him scripturally or else I get disfellowshipped and lose my he is really in the hot seat now... "

    This sad woman CANNOT divorce this bastard BECAUSE of the Watchtower, yet she thinks HE'S in the hot-seat !?!?!!

    We're hoping this woman will be "out" soon. On thing she said makes sense: "I dont think this is the way to live."

  • BeautifulGarbage

    Hello Thinker,

    There is just so much sadness in these emails and to make a few comments is very difficult. It's so very tragic. Had the letter just been written, perhaps this all could have been avoided. But, notice how after everything, in the end, her plea do your wife:

    My honest prayer is that I would love to see you back in Jehovahs arms and service again.
    We both just have to get ourselves into the new system

    So, Jehovah expects her to stay married to a abusing creep. To do otherwise, would mean she's toast. Seems to me that Jehovah's arms have no room for HER.

    And the new system! Seems even the most deplorable situations can be endured when one expects paradise at any moment. Remove that, and it's all for nothing.

  • A Paduan
    A Paduan

    With that paradise anyday now, or you're toast otherwise thing they've got going, they really can use whoever they want as a means to their end - however it suits them. Really nasty sort of stuff.

  • thinker

    I agree completely with the "Paradise" system being very important to JWs remaining faithful, no matter what. I wrote a thread once called "the keystone to the watchtower" that said just that. Others believe 1914 is more important.

    We've received two more letters this morning. Neither one says anything about "coming back". Perhaps "D." was using this as a way to justify talking to an apostate like my wife. I'll post these latest letters after I clean them up and remove any revealing info.

    It amazes me how misfits like "Tom" can be welcomed by the WT while good, decent people get shafted. We hope to bring this woman out eventually, she seems like a decent person.

  • thinkers wife
    thinkers wife

    Just wanted to put my two cents in. I am the first wife. This man is crazy abusive, the reason I looked up his second wife was because a Witness who recently walked out on the religion called me. She and her husband are very dear to me. My mother, an active witness, tried to put her off by telling her when she called for my phone number, that I had moved to another state. My Witness mother knows very well that isn't true. The friend got through to me anyway, and after greetings, one of the first things she told me is that my ex was having marital problems. I let it go for a few days, but it was eating me up. I thought I had some idea of what she might be going through and was sure she was in desperate need of support.

    I was right. The first thing I told her was to call the police and get a restraining order against. Thank God, I told her that, it happened last night, and she did that very thing.

    The saga continues. The lying, hiding, covering. And yes how simple if the first set of elders that dealt with him and I had honored their promise. My belief is they never intended to. So it is happening all over again.

    And then when this divorce occurs and no public information follows him, he is enabled to victimize yet another person.

    Sickening isn't it?

    Thinkers Wife

  • BluesBrother

    Very sad story , special sympathies for Thinkers wife who has had to re live it again.

    Why would elders fail to notify about his serious wrongdoing? were they just tardy about it and did not get around to it? Or perhaps they ,deep down did not want to. Did they disagree about doing it and someone persuaded the others not to do it, never telling thinkerswife?

    My experience has been that bodies of elders are chauvanistic. Largely made up of working men who do not deal with women on an equal basis in their working lives. They would find it easy to sympathise with a husband in any dispute with a wife.

    Interestingly though , the WT recently has been talking about "Scriptual divorce" as the only one that frees one to re marry, as distinct from one that is merely legal in the eyes of the world. It seems they now accept seperation and divorce on non scriptural grounds a lot easier that they used to . This lady should not have a problem with her congregation when she gets a seperation or divorce , especially in view of his past record

  • Francois

    Thinker's Wife: If you would like to help "D" gain real insight into what she's got on her hands, suggest she get a copy of Susan Forward's book, "Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them." This book goes into the psychological basis for what's going on. It really provides a lot of useful insights that are very helpful just to be aware of as a person goes through a situation like this one. She might have to look on to find this book. I think it's out of print.


  • thinkers wife
    thinkers wife


    I used to have that book. It is excellent. Someone borrowed it and never returned it.

    A little update: D got a restraining order on Tom's butt, yesterday she had it extended in the length of time. Not sure if this was covered in her posted letters but, in 1997 when Tom left me, the elders requested a written description of what I lived through for over sixteen years with him. I complied. It was a heart rending account. Reading it over myself these few years later made cry. I had forgotten how bad it really was.

    This letter was used by the body of elders to incriminate me. Go figure. What a bunch of idiots. They are chauvanistic. Anyway, it probably isn't even in my file with the congregation. But I saved it, and when I contacted D we scanned it and sent it in it's entirety. She is going to submit it to her elders. She said that if it got her into hot water for associating with me than so be it.

    Kudo's to a brave, brave soul.


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