A little background is necessary:
As many of you know, my wife was in an abusive marriage (to a JW) for many long years. He left her after much coaxing from her. The elders promised to write a letter stating that he was abusive. This letter would follow him everywhere to warn any other woman he might get romantic with.
It seems doubtful that this letter was ever written. In fact, the abuser had all his privleges back in a month; while my wife was "run out of town". "Tom" (name changed) moved to a new congregation and three years ago he got married again. By a strange set of circumstances my wife heard about "Tom" and his wife "D" having problems, so she search and e-mailed her. The following are "D's" two e-mails with names changed and personal info removed. Please read and comment.
I have had a nightmare of a relationship over the past couple of years.
he has an anger management problem, attention deficit disorder, and is
medicated, however, he is a volatile person. he almost had my house
reposessed, had the electric disconnected for failure to pay $1788 and I
took his new car and gave it to my daughter. Life has been awful. the
elders are understanding..I will be back.
They have put him on private reproof for abuse. my nerves were bad. I changed the locks on the house, I hide in my
van when he is volatile. he can sleep then two hours later start up
again screaming and blaming... I keep my cell phone handy, and have even
put a deadlock on my bedroom door. this is MY house. I dont think this is
the way to live.
I was told by my doctor that I had to contact you for information since
she feared physical abuse and escalation was next. this is why I tried
to find you.
any info you can give me for my safety is most appreciated.
your parents have told me there was a letter given to the elders to warn
the second mrs "Tom", yet I didnt get it. no mention of it,
I have not gotten much support emotionally from him, and I feel the enemy
is in my own household.
Any input about his behavior patterns would help.
I contacted your mom again to tell her I was at the elders for both of
us- she said you werent believed. Fortunately I am not dependant on his
income, his anything, and I have been a member of this congregation for
16 years, and my work place for 9. I have a support system and a cell
phone, and children who witnessed his behavior. He didnt get away with
it this time. Let me reassure you. He has a sweet side, but thats what
hooks his women into staying- thinking it will go back to that. well, it
never can now. Mr Jeckyl and Hyde is out and is discovered. anything
you want to disclose to protect me would be more than helpful. thanks a
million for finding me. your mom said she was protecting you from
memories by not telling you I was looking for you. No woman needs to go through what we have. Please know I
appreciate it very much that you are seeking me out . your help will save
my sanity, and maybe my life later on when my youngest leaves for college
and I am a captive alone without witnesses. I need to know how bad it
can get, so I make an appropriate decision. He lives in the room off the
kitchen, and it has an inner side lock, so if he is there and
misbehaving, he is not able to get into the house.
The separation agreement is in the safe deposit box signed and notarized.
He is only renting the room so I get some of the thousands of dollars
back....I have lost my credit. the bills he didnt pay or tell me he didnt
pay were all in my name. He is not what he appeared at first....he is
sick. and unpredicable. I wonder if there is bipolar in the mix.
Thanks again. I am afraid and I appreciate your help SO VERY MUCH. I am
almost 55 years old. I am too old to be this stressed out all the time.
Please, tell me what I am in for. ThANKS AGAIN. Your mom is right not
to communicate, but I am asking for help that only you can give, and if
she had any input into your contacting me, I am forever grateful.
Hope to hear from you soon, fondly, D.
Thank you for your letter. Your dad when I had called a few months ago, alluded to a letter that went to the elders. This letter must not exist. His father said "he is a gentle man". He must have hidden his badness from his father completely. If only he knew what an animal his son was... I had no idea what was to come. Not long after we married, we went to empty his apt. it was a mess. He put his stuff on his parents carport, and when we were done, we went to put stuff away, and his mom fussed about his sick dad putting things away. I said "didnt he call you?" "Tom" came and screamed at her. She didnt come back and say anything like "how dare you talk to me like that I am your mother". she obviously was an abused woman to take it. then, on the way home, he said "you'll see, by the time we get home, she will call to apologize" and I wondered why...amazing. she did...the message was on the answer machine. I would have NEVER let my child yell at me.... But for four months I supported him while he went to the employment commission...supposedly daily. He did have dinner on the table, but ate as if he was never fed...stuffed himself. He was 270 lbs.. then he got pneumonia and lost weight...he had such a sweet way..always attentive. I know now , he was just learning all my buttons... It seems that the things he criticized the most about were his own flaws seen in others but not himself. I found out two years ago that my stepfather, who I was always there to help, had molested both my daughters and neice between the ages of 4-7 years old. we tried to go to the police...they didnt arrest him. the married kids are suffering, and the one away at college is suffering Post traumatic stress disorder. I was a raped victim by a stranger in a parking lot at the age of 25. I had resurfaced anger. "Tom" seemed to be attentive that day, at the police dept, but it didnt last. Eventually he took the bastard as I call him, to the dentist in his car to make two dollars... No loyalty except to himself. He let me work two jobs, but when he would come home from one, he was tired...ah, poor thing. I am 8 years older, had single parented 4 children for 12 years, and he comes along and has fatigue? My house has never been this messy. trash and clothes. his car is disgusting. My housepayment, electricity, and propane was his job to pay. He didnt pay for 4 months and I got a forclosure letter. I panicked. I was pale, had palpitations, and was ready to kill. HE NEVER TOLD ME> and then, he begged the money from his mom. He went to the bank, and they said pay partial payments each week. four months later, again, the forclosure notice came with a $570 lawyer fee bill from the bank. I was at work, and "Tom" called me and said "the bank lady called and want s to talk to you- I gotta go to work," and then hung up. I freaked. Then, one hour later, in the middle of a tornado watch, my two teens called to say the electric was turned off and they couldnt watch tv to see if they were in harms way. I left work, came home, took the kids to a hotel, and borrowed $1788.00 to get the electric turned on the next day. He has had about $600-1000 in bounced check/over fees...that I now pay with his paycheck. I give him $20/week for gas, and all the rest goes to bills he owes. He put me over $3000 in the hole, and DIDNT TELL ME. The screaming began after that when I calmly said I knew an antique dealer. to sell his things...He called me a thief, and was going to turn me in to the elders....I told him we needed to do this, I didnt do it behind his back.... I had dental surgery done. All my teeth removed. He stayed home with me, and you guessed it, he slept in the bed while I suffered... He wants me to go to his parents this weekend...(probably so he can get out of house painting). He ruined my credit, so I cant have the titanium implants in for $12000 and so, I eat without teeth in quiet corners of restaurants... He makes food I have to chew. then screams at me at not appreciating what he fixes. He demands and I run. I have been put on anxiety medicine along with my two children..the stress is too much going through menopause with the abuse. My doctor wanted to know all she could. I am too little and defenseless. The elders privately reproved him because he screamed in the neighborhood which gave Jehovah a bad name...they have taken all of his privileges away. no reading, no praying, nothing...he is very nasty on meeting nights- I think he hates me for telling what he has done. My children knew too. He had to apologize in person or in writing to all who knew. My workmates, my parents, your parents, my married children, my father in NJ.. it was tough...but he did some of these apologies face to face. He took it tough when my doctor got ahold of him. She blasted him. He is on medication..and is awful when he forgets to take it. Blaming, arguing at work, criticizing, all sounds the same pattern as when with you. He is a "lazy, self centered abusive bastard"...exactly what he says he is not... Why keep him here? For the money. Thats it. When my last child leaves for college, "Tom" goes. My child was due to leave in Sept, but now decided to go to community college..it buys me more time to get my $ back. He wanted a new car. I paid $500 down..he was late in payments...So, I reposessed it, and gave it to my pioneer married daughter. He was mad. I got the finance corp. to take his name off the loan. so I am paying for a car I hate. but it took 1.5 weeks for my daughter to clean it. It was a new Pontiac Grand Am.. All the bills he failed to pay were in my name. I have no credit to get the teeth done. I am doomed for 7 more years. I had him write a letter and it is notarized to the credit bureaus admitting he didnt tell me he wasnt paying my bills as agreed and that it wasnt my fault. I have so much confusion here, I havent mailed them yet. Then, he complains I spend so much attention on my PTSD ill daughter...HE demands attention like some little kid..He is so immature...cant believe he is 46 ... I have a separation agreement in the safe deposit box. the elders know it is there. "Tom" has no access to it. it is in my name. I told him if he as much as raises his voice at me, I will take it directly to the lawyer and that the clock is ticking. He has tried to start stuff, but has been moderately controlled. He seems worse after getting a good night sleep. as long as he works evening and midnight at two successive jobs, he is too sleeppy to start trouble. He started demanding and yelling on a meeting night, so I drove the car in the opposite direction leaving him home, then I slept in the RV I had before he married me. He yells, I leave. I wont put up with it much longer. I want my money back. I will stay with cell phone and safe til then. However, if he hurts either my child or me, he is out and a restraining order as well as sicking the elders on him will be easy for me....Thank you for your support. I dont blame your actions at all. He knows I wont release him scripturally or else I get disfellowshipped and lose my children...so he is really in the hot seat now... I have great respect for you. you are a survivor. You know what it is to live with "Tom", and I feel exceptionally close to you. I turned him in to the elders so both you and I were validated. My honest prayer is that I would love to see you back in Jehovahs arms and service again. Dont let this demonic man have you lose life. He isnt worth it. I love you Pam, you made it out, and you can come back to Jehovah. Listen, we may be damaged at this point, but remember Jehovah took people/s languages, had them forget the one they knew and gave them new ones at Babel..He can help both of us forget the damage "Tom" caused, and forget "Tom" ever existed. We both just have to get ourselves into the new system. My youngest child left the truth because "Tom" behaved so badly and was a bethelite...so, "Tom" already has a millstone...around his neck. Get to the elders. come back. I am telling you I have taken letters and things I found in his drysink to the elders. This was for both of us...Come back. My best friend..Love, D.