Need Help and Advise

by In_between_days 7 Replies latest jw friends

  • In_between_days

    Hi all,

    I have an ex JW friend who has been out for about 3 years now, and has since been going to every memorial just to keep her family happy. She is baptised, and so far has sucessfully done the fade, though she has never actually told her parents that she wants no part of the org. Now the memorial is coming up and her family expects her to go. She really does not want to go this year, but is worried if she does so her family may shun her because of this. I guess she is tired of living a lie, her parents have never once asked her why she does not go to meetings. I suggested docrinal reasons (144000 memorial) to argue with, but she does not wish to get in a docrinal argument about it - she is not in the org anymore because she is purely just not interested, but wonders whether this news, or the stand on not attending the memorial will damage her reputation with her family severely. What would you suggest she should do? Has anyone been in this position before? What is the most non confrontational way of rejecting the memorial?

  • Prisca

    My family knows I don't attend the Memorial anymore, and they still speak to me (at the moment, LOL).

    She has to make the choice, either live a lie, or be honest with her family. It depends on her family of course. Some families prefer honesty to later finding out that someone was lying. Other familes prefer not to know.

    My advice for her is to come clean. If her family choose not to speak to her anymore, then that is part of the consequences of leaving the JWs. On the otherhand, they may think less of her, but still treat her as a family member (like my family).

    I wish her the best.

  • qwerty

    Hi In_between_days.

    You say she's been doing the slow fade, I think she should have stopped going to the memorial after the first time. Mind you, I suppose it's a bit later for that now!

    I've been doing the slow fade since my awakening to the Borg for about three years or more also, from back in the days of the old H2O board. In that time I have, like many on this broad, suffered with feelings of hopelessness even been prescribed medicines for depression. I have not been to meetings for months and months, it's got to be coming up to a year now. The last time I went to meetings was around last Memorial or not long after. Strangely my depression has disappeared, wonder of wonders!

    The only person that's inquired about whether I'm going to the memorial, is my wife, she knew I would want to go anyway but asked on the off chance. At the moment I've not really bumped into many of my XJW associates. Any I have seen have not dared to ask, but I if they do I will tell them straight, like I told a zealous newby JW at a BBQ last summer, when he enquired if I was coming back to meetings, I said - "No way"! He look shocked, I wanted him to question why someone like me (XPioneer/ MS almost Elder)would turn away from "da Troof".

    Like your friend I am wondering what the reaction will be if I don't show up, no correct that, when I don't show up! I refuse to be like one of the hypocrites, that only show up to the KH once a year (no offence to your friend, she is trying after all to get out unscathed), whereas there are lots of one's who still believe it's the truth and go because that's the done thing for weak ones, LOL! There again who knows out of all those once a yearers, which ones - are also doing the slow faded but not been able to pluck up the courage to stop altogether.

    I suppose the non confrontational way for your friend to reject the memorial, would be to make sure she has something planned for that night. She can say she can not get out of it. Sorry but that's the only thing I can think of without directly saying I am not going.


  • anti-absolutist

    In my humble opinion, she should avoid being df'd at all costs, unless she is going against her conscience in doing so. The conscience is one of those things you understand fully only AFTER you have left the religion of JW's.

    As far as going to the memorial, she shouldn't be hypocritical. If she believes that it isn't God's religion, then she shouldn't go....... contrary to what JW's teach, God KNOWS the heart, the men in Brooklyn and all of their followers don't.

    Tell her she is loved, irregardlesss, Brad

  • bikerchic

    Hi In_Between,

    IMHO it sounds like she is already three years (of attending the Memorial) into a lie.......there is no time like the present to get real, take charge of your life and let the pieces fall where they may. Life is real for the living, faking it, keeps you stagnet who needs that.

    Her family will make the adjustments after all they are grown ups and should be capable of dealing with their daughter who they raised to be independent actually being so. There really is no need for confrontation, explainations and all that, all she has to do is say "no thanks I'm not going to make it this year." hehee gives them hope for next year.

    Life is just too short for games! I say get real!


  • wednesday

    my bro is such a die hard jw, he won't even speak to me now (and i am just inactive), and if go to the memorial, he'll see it as a pretense. Nothing will suit some people.

  • bittersweet

    This can be a tough situation.I can understand that she doesn't want to make any waves,and risk losing her family.I haven't attended a meeting or a memorial in 4 years,but last year the memorial presented a problem for me.My brother in law (who is a really nice guy regardless of the org)asked me if would attend because it was the first time he was giving the memorial talk.I told him I would have to see.I was so mad at myself for not standing up to him and saying I don't believe it and that it would be hypocritical for me to go.Instead,on the night of the memorial I said I didn't feel well.What a big chicken,eh?

    Anyway,your friend needs to do what is right for her,whether that means making an excuse,or telling the truth.None of us live her life,so we can't judge.Hope all turns out well!

  • In_between_days

    Thanks so much everyone for your help on this. I delivered alot of your advice onto my freind ... It helped. She called her parents. She told them she was not going, neither was she ever going again. They were upset, but glad she was honest They are not shunning her. Thank you again.


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