i'm changing, but for the worse
- You're readimg too much into your responsibilities in this relationship. Clearly you are a person with a conscience and accept responsibility for your actions and thought process. He on the other hand sounds irresponsible, insecure and immature. Sounds to me the only reason you began to lie was because he already had you pegged as one - that is disrespectful on his part and certainly a form of abuse. My advice is: this guy sounds toxic, so get out before you reach the point where you feel like you've invested too much in the relationship to leave. You only have one life, no point in choosing to spend it with a person who has no respect for you.
You clearly still have your integrity. You are also clearly in a toxic relationship. You can't blame him for your actions, but if nothing else, he is a bad influence on you (remember bad associations spoil useful habits!)
Being embarrassed for being dishonest and correcting it is an honest thing to do. Its a choice and you made it. No one is perfect, but you aren't wallowing in evildoing!
I'd rethink the boyfriend and think about the kind of person you want to be-you hang out with those who you can respect and admire. Honest people don't live in any particular church-and we know there is dishonesty everywhere. Id suggest finding people who make you grow better. All good things to you!!
Embarrassed welcome. I was like you, I never told a lie for the first thirty years of my life as a JW but I've changed since leaving the JWs. I don't think it's wicked to tell the occasional lie, to prevent hurt feelings, to keep things to yourself when someone is being intrusive or just to make life a little easier.
I think that people who habitually lie are screwing with their own heads. It actually can become a mental illness. A person I worked with used to trump anything I said with something bigger. When my little girl had tonsillitis, her sister had died from it. When I had to have a root canal at the dentist, she had nine done all in one day. When I mentioned it to colleagues they said she makes stuff up like this all the time.
This is an extreme example of course of someone who has a mental health problem but I think that people who habitually lie to others also lie to themselves. They live in denial about all sorts of things they should face up to which messes up their life.
So whereas an occasional lie to smooth relationships is nothing to be embarrassed about I think habitually lying is changing reality in our own heads which stops us facing up to life and making the changes we need to make to be happy.
Everyone is in a process of change and development which does not stop our whole life is a learning process. The fact that you feel uncomfortable about the number of lies you have started telling would indicate that you haven't changed as much as you think. There is no reason why you cannot develop into someone who is known as honest and open but has tact and consideration for others.
Lies can get you into trouble especially if you tell too many, keeping track of them all is a tricky process. If you are in a relationship where you are telling needless lies then perhaps you need to look at this. Good relationships can withstand difficult truths.