When i was a jw I really valued telling the truth and being an honest person. Even if I paid a heavy consequence later, I did my best to tell the truth as often as possible. I was very proud of my honesty and my truthfulness. My integrity as a person and as a jw was very important to me.
But over time, I have changed as a person, and I believe it has been for the worse. When I was done with the religion, I tried to hold onto my integrity, I tried to hold onto being an honest and truthful person, but I got tired of paying heavy consequences for them. I started to see the value in lying, and now I do it wayyyyy more than I should be comfortable with. And I have been doing it sooooo much lately with the person my bf.
Today I confessed to lying to my boyfriend about something I let snowball into a series of lies for no reason. In the beginning I was truthful often, but I didn't see any benefits from it. in my naivete, I told the truth all of the time. But I was still slammed because he didn't believe me. I confessed today about the lie I told yesterday, knowing that it would be held against me later as almost all of my mistakes are, because I thought that if I confessed he would see that I am not a liar. Don't ask me how that makes sense. I was trying to show him my heart, be real, be genuine. I was going to get caught in the lie, true, but that's not why I confessed. I confessed because I was embarassed about my lying for no reason, and I was ashamed.
I'm conflicted. I want to be a good person, but I'm losing my way. I want to blame my bf for why I've become this way. But in my heart, I know that I am no longer an honest and truthful person. At least, not with him. I've seen him lie so many times, I've seen him cover up his behavior that I feel I have the right to do the same thing too. Isn't that funny, how that works? My reasoning has become where I think, if someone else can do bad and doesn't care what I think, then why can't I do bad and disregard what he says? That is the truth-- that's really how I think now. My ex lies, my bf lies, and they don't really care what I think about their lies and cover-ups or how it affects me. So why should I tell the truth? I am angry in my heart, and I am also very sad. Just look at the person I've become.
I have damaged the relationship in a major way by confessing. Now he believes the truths I told him in the beginning of the relationship are lies. (He always thought they were lies, and I always fought against his characterization of me as a Iiar. Now he can call me that with impunity bc I confessed.) I should not have lied about this stupid thing in the first place, I should not have let it snowball. I should not have confessed.
I'm lost.