News briefs from the Cold War of the future between France and the United States:
France discharges diplomats
France expelled U.S. diplomats yesterday to protest an American decision to stage a bicycle race that competes with the Tour de France.
''This Tour de Cleveland, it is an insult to French honor,'' an official in Paris said. ''And then the insensitive Americans tried to smooth things over by offering to let us cater the Iditarod. I spit on their arrogance.''
The expulsion provided further evidence of deteriorating relations between the two former allies.
French bread crisis deepens
France yesterday rejected a U.S. demand that it stop making intercontinental ballistic baguettes capable of reaching American cities.
''For years, Americans have been attacking French cuisine with McDonald's, Spam and Wonder bread. We must defend ourselves,'' the French foreign minister said. ''If that means carpet-bombing Peoria with a crusty sourdough, then so be it.''
Cuisine-limitation talks broke off two months ago when the two sides couldn't reach an agreement on SpaghettiOs.
France had condemned the brand name, Franco-American, as part of a U.S. disinformation campaign seeking to blame the French for canned pasta.
U.S. denies Caribbean assault
French troops participating in war games claim they were confronted yesterday by U.S. troops on the island of Martinique.
The French, who have been staging military maneuvers as a show of strength, described the soldiers who forced them from a beach as ''heavily armed.''
U.S. diplomats denied that the confrontation involved the American military.
''It was a drill team from the University of Nebraska on spring break,'' an official said. ''You know the French: They'll surrender to anybody.''
Students protest 'delicacy'
American students on a goodwill mission to France were served the internal organs of a goose at a Parisian restaurant, the United States charged yesterday.
The incident shattered hopes that the cultural exchange might ease tensions between the two nations.
''They said it was 'fat-tay' or 'pat-tay' or something,'' said teacher Jerry Splerk, an American chaperon. ''When I pressed them, they admitted it was goose liver.''
Several students reportedly fainted.
''I mean, goose liver? I felt like I was on Fear Factor,'' said Ashley Callow, a sophomore at Abercrombie & Fitch High School in Bucyrus. ''They said it's a delicacy. I'm like 'Yeah, right -- we're dumb enough to fall for that.' ''
Summit agreement reached
U.S. President Oprah Winfrey and French President Catherine Deneuve ended a three-day summit yesterday with a joint ''statement of understanding.''
The agreement commits both nations to immediate steps designed to lessen hostilities.
Highlights of the accord: