The Emotional Pain Of Leaving A Cult

by Jang 1 Replies latest jw friends

  • Jang

    For those who haven't seen this before:

    This applies to both cults and spiritually abusive systems.

    The Emotional Pain Of Leaving A Cult

    The following is how former cult members and members of spiritually abusive
    systems described how they felt when they finally left their group.
    This may give you some insight into their pain and why there are
    no easy answers for them.

    It Hurts

    It Hurts to discover you were deceived - that what you thought
    was the "one true religion," the "path to total fredom," or "truth"
    was in reality a cult.

    It Hurts when you learn that people you trusted implicitly - whom
    you were taught not to question - were "pulling the wool over your
    eyes" albeit unwittingly.

    It Hurts when you learn that those you were taught were your "enemies"
    were telling the truth after all - but you had been told they were
    liars, deceivers, repressive, satanic etc and not to listen to

    It Hurts when you know your faith in God hasn't changed - only
    your trust in an organization - yet you are accused of apostasy,
    being a trouble maker, a "Judas". It hurts even more when it is
    your family and friends making these accusations.

    It Hurts to realize their love and acceptance was conditional on
    you remaining a member of good standing. This cuts so deeply you
    try and suppress it. All you want to do is forget - but how can
    you forget your family and friends?

    It Hurts to see the looks of hatred coming from the faces of those
    you love - to hear the deafening silence when you try and talk
    to them. It cuts deeply when you try and give your child a hug
    and they stand like a statue, pretending you aren't there. It stabs
    like a knife when you know your spouse looks upon you as demonised
    and teaches your children to hate you.

    It Hurts to know you must start all over again. You feel you have
    wasted so much time. You feel betrayed, disillusioned, suspicious
    of everyone including family, friends and other former members.

    It Hurts when you find yourself feeling guilty or ashamed of what
    you were - even about leaving them. You feel depressed, confused,
    lonely. You find it difficult to make decisions. You don't know
    what to do with yourself because you have so much time on your
    hands now - yet you still feel guilty for spending time on recreation.

    It Hurts when you feel as though you have lost touch with reality.
    You feel as though you are "floating" and wonder if you really
    are better off and long for the security you had in the organization
    and yet you know you cannot go back.

    It Hurts when you feel you are all alone - that no one seems to
    understand what you are feeling. It hurts when you realize your
    self confidence and self worth are almost non-existent.

    It Hurts when you have to front up to friends and family to hear
    their "I told you so" whether that statement is verbal or not.
    It makes you feel even more stupid than you already do - your confidence
    and self worth plummet even further.

    It Hurts when you realize you gave up everything for the cult -
    your education, career, finances, time and energy - and now have
    to seek employment or restart your education. How do you explain
    all those missing years?

    It Hurts because you know that even though you were deceived, you
    are responsible for being taken in. All that wasted time ... at
    least that is what it seems to you - wasted time.

    The Pain Of Grief

    Leaving a cult is like experiencing the death of a close relative or
    a broken relationship. The feeling is often described as like having
    been betrayed by someone with whom you were in love. You feel you
    were simply used.

    There is a grieving process to pass through. Whereas most people understand
    that a person must grieve after a death etc, they find it difficult
    to understand the same applies in this situation. There is no instant
    cure for the grief, confusion and pain. Like all grieving periods,
    time is the healer.

    Some feel guilty, or wrong about this grief. They shouldn't - It
    IS normal. It is NOT wrong to feel confused, uncertain, disillusioned,
    guilty, angry, untrusting - these are all part of the process.
    In time the negative feelings will be replaced with clear thinking,
    joy, peace, and trust.

    Yes - It hurts but the hurts will heal with time, patience & understanding.

    There is life after the cult.

    Copyright 1985, 1995 Jan Groenveld

    May be freely reproduced as long as all text remains intact.

    The price of freedom is eternal vigilance- for fear we imprison the mind
    Cult Awareness & Information Centre
    (OZ = Australia C.A.I.C Ph. 61-(0)7-3216 8514
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    / x <- Brisbane E-Mail:
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    v Jan's Personal Page:
    ICQ: 7611954
    I'd much rather go through life with questions I cannot answer
    than have questions I cannot ask!

    "Truth is always strong, no matter how weak it looks; and
    falsehood is always weak, no matter how strong it looks."
    - Phillip Brooks

    "Truth may be stretched, but cannot be broken, and always gets above
    falsehood, as oil does above water"
    - Miguel Cervantes


  • mommy

    Hey JanG
    I enjoyed this when you sent it to me in my email. And can relate to these feelings. I just want to pop in here and put a plug in for afterthe hurt.

    It does get better! You will be able to go through a day and laugh, without guilt. You will have another outlook for your future. You will find relationships that have meaning, not dependent on your religious beliefs. Life is so short, and precious. For us to live it in pain is a waste of the air we breath

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