by Eppie 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • Eppie

    Dear all,

    I really need some help here: my grandfather (an elder) is dying, and will die within a week probably. I am 22, student and faded. I still have very good contacts with my family. But I am so nervous about the funeral! He is a very famous and kind elder and hundreds of people will attend his, of course very JW, funeral. What am I going to say to all them? Out of principle I refuse to pray with my parents before dinners (when Im visiting them) and just say 'enjoy your meal' when they say amen, but can I just keep my eyes open during my grandfathers funeral, especially as my own dad will pray for his dad? What do I say to all these people when they tell me that its such a comfort that I'll see him in paradise again? (not many people know that I faded as my grandparents live in another town and they only know me as the little girl that always visited the kh when i was staying over at their place, and Im sure they don't know as of course my grandfather will not blurt out to everyone that I faded).

    What do I do?

    Eppie :(

  • pr_capone

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Eppie )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    First of all I am very sorry to hear about your grandfather.

    I dont know what I would do if I were in your position. I would probably just nod my head and move on. This probably wouldnt be the appropriate time to get into a religious discussion. If you have any real friends around the area, maybee take a few of them with you to give you some moral support while this all takes place.

    Again, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather and know that I will be thinking of you in this comming week.



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  • SixofNine

    Very sorry about your grandfather, Eppie.

    I'm not sure exactly what principle you are holding to with the prayer thing though? You are not obligated to tell anyone anything about your personal beliefs, and if you think God is so petty and small as to zap ya just 'cuz you bowed your head during a witness prayer (whatever else witnesses are, they are at least sincere), you might want to fashion yourself a more charitable view of God.

  • Francois

    Eppie, what do you want to say to them all? This is your grandfather's funeral after all, not a forum to discuss your status. Of course, they see it as a perfect opportunity for a sales pitch for their cult.

    Having been in a similiar situation, when I was approached by someone I hadn't seen in a coon's age, and the bonehead said something about having not seen me for awhile, I responded in some variation of, "Thank you for coming. I'm sure my XXXX would appreciate you being here." At which point I entended my hand to them. They could take it or not. If not, then I made a seamless motion with it to pat their shoulder and while doing so, turned and walked wordlessly away. I did not allow anyone to engage me in discussion. That would have allowed a crowd to form, each person in which would have been waiting for their turn to pile on. I went late and bugged out asap.

    You can't be walked on unless you lie down first. Don't "lie down" by attempting to stutter out an answer to their innappropriate questions about your attendance.

    One person at the event referenced above was gauche enough to press it, and I responded with, "As I said this is my XXXX funeral. Haven't we learned that there is a time for everything under the sun? Your questions about my life are inappropriate right now." And turned away. It's not my responsibility to protect them from the outcome of their own nosiness. If they get their noses out of joint, that's their problem. Screw 'em. Wearing sunglasses, even indoors, is always appropriate for the family at a funeral. If you wear sunglasses, especially the silvered kind, no one can see your eyes, which makes it more difficult to strike up a conversation. Coupled with some of the verbal responses suggested here, the effect can be chilling indeed.

    You'll find that if you take responsiblity of putting the socially coarse JWs immediately on the defensive, you'll have little trouble.

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather's death. My grandfather was my entire young world when he died.

    Good Luck.

  • outoftheorg

    Hello Eppie. Sorry to hear of your grandfathers death. It is a trying time for you and your family I am sure.

    One of the easy things to do if someone tries to engage you in conversation you don't want, Is to just smile and say "it's nice to see you" as you turn and walk away. Or " i'm glad you came to grandaddys funeral" and turn and walk away.

    If someone pushes you towards conversation, just turn your back and walk away.

    At times of grief and emotions, I find it best to keep it simple and quick.

    Wish you the best in this trying time.


  • Carmel


    too bad about your situation, however, I'm thinking you may be worrying unnecessarily. Just go and be yourself. Your religious beliefs are your own and noone else's business. If asked directly, answer directly. If you feel being too honest, that you will lose contact with your parents then wear a black see-through veil so that you are in your own world. If approached just say you are in too much grief with your grandfather's passing to discuss such issues.


  • Vivamus

    Sorry to hear about your grandfather Eppie.

    They are all supposted to keep their eyes closed during the praying, so they shouldn't notice you keeping your eyes open. Just bow your head a bit and stare at the floor - I did. When they come to you, just smile and be vague.

    I am very sorry for you, its gonna be a tough time. Don't forget to give yourself time to grieve, find calmth within yourself, thats more important than what others may think of you.

  • JamesThomas

    When in Rome, do as the Romans do. It doesn't hurt to loan yourself out, or play along with other peoples game...sometimes. It can be the friendly, compassionate, polite and wise thing to do. Just shake your head yes and agree with a smile, out of respect for your grandfather. JamesT

  • LovesDubs

    Hi Eppie: Im sorry to hear about your grandfather. Im glad he was secure in his faith, whatever that faith was you know? It gave him comfort and support through his life. But like me and like you...that same religion doesnt work for us, and we DO have the right before God to believe what we want to without others dictating the terms to us. I would suggest that you say as little as possible and every time somebody starts to nose into your business, redirect the conversation back to your grandfather, and that today you dont want to talk about YOU...that it is a day to remember him, and honor his memory. Do it with a smile and a hand shake or a hug. If somebody says they missed you at the hall, say you appreciate them thinking about you and END it there.

    You have the reins honey. Dont let em intimidate you. They only have power over you that you allow them to have and you sound like a strong willed gal to me.



  • Introspection


    I am guessing that as many already have suggested, you just don't want to get into it right now. I'm someone that tends to keep to myself in person, so most of the time people don't even approach me because I'm so quiet anyways. Even when they do, it's hard to get me going because most people are not truly interested in an open dialogue, so I just let that be what it is and let things move on.

    It is interesting though how awkward situations like this tend to reveal how identified we are with people, be they family or friends. This is actually why people who are not really interested never successfully engage me, because it's kind of like their words are just going into thin air. I am not identified with them, so unless they want to talk on the basis of what is actually spoken, there is nothing to get caught up with. No doubt in a situation like this those you haven't seen in a long time will be stuck in the past, but you of course are atleast aware that it is only the past, even if it is relived in a sense. This may be something interesting to look at for yourself, but in your own time. Take care of yourself.

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