Secrets of a KH Fartologist

by blackguard 7 Replies latest jw friends

  • blackguard

    Unbeknown to the general membership, the watcher corporations throughout the English speaking world employs professional flatulents(noun). The reason for this should become obvious to those not familiar with the mind-controlled environment in the corporate gulags sometimes called congregations. I was one of several fartologists who was sent to various gulag hotspots to quell dissent.

    We have three major specialities: The Ionizer, The Paint Peeler and The Sunday Special. (At this point I should state that farting is peculiar to the vulgar class; Flatulence, on the other hand, is a skill performed in arabesque precision and the two should never be confused) Now, The Ionizer is for the spiritual doubters and slugs. It works this way. I would be sent into a local gulag where either the wardens were concerned about the restless state of the serfs or the statistics suggested that low hours was harbinger to rebellion. Sitting at the back of the Hall near the fusebox I would silently flatulate. The gas had to be atmospherically light to permeate the lighting fixtures and fusebox. During a usually boring meeting air would be ionized in the fusebox and lighting, thus causing flashes and sparks and smoke and crackling. Naturally this co-incides with a prearraged meeting part dealing with slackers and their imminent destruction at Armageddon. The effect is predictable. Belief is immediately restored and field service improves.

    The Sunday Special is reserved for those monotonous sleeper speeches where practically the whole audience enjoys catching up on slumber lost from attending meetings earlier in the week. The fartolgist has to either position himself near the return-air inlet of the airconditioning or sit in the middle of the audience. The gas is heavier clinging to the floor, but the risk of getting caught is greater because the flatulence emerges with volumes of air and noise. The result for the hapless recipients is involuntary muscle twitching, waking the slumbering proles. The molecular component of the gas is determined by food, and the effect is to restore doublethink, which handsome levels of sleep tends to dissipate. And you thought cognitve dissonance abrogation happens intellectually: It's done chemically! But this profession is fraught with danger. I recall the time I was sent to San Francisco to ply my art. What the Bethel gestapo failed to tell me was this particulat gulag was mostly Gay. Yes, one out of every three San Franciscans are Gay and the ratio is about the same around the Bay area in the gulags too. Anyhow I let rip with what I thought was the standard Sunday Special, but as soon as I smelled it I knew then I'd consumed the wrong recipe again. It was The Paint Peeler. One third of the whole audience became sexually aroused and suspicion pointed at me because I was the "noisy" stranger. Well, you know how it is when you sense danger? I raced to the door only to be intercepted by two 300lb bulldykes who slowed my egress. Five peter-smoochers grabbed me from behind and tried dragging me back inside the Hall. I let loose with another Paint Peeler,which temporarily disoriented my persecutors sending them reeling. This allowed me time to regroup and sprint outside. Fortunately there was a Police station nearby that I went for aid. The clamouring crowd outside the Police station caused me to wonder if this is how Lot felt in ancient Sodom. A phone call to Bethel Gestapo satisfied the Police that I'd done nothing wrong, but they couldn't bring the excited and aroused crowd to heel. Governor Reagan was forced to send in the National Guard. Perhaps some of you remember that disturbance years ago?

  • Maverick

    Boy Blackguard are you full of s--t! But hey! That was why they picked you, right? Is there a school for this or are you self taught? So much for my comments on adult subject matter here in J-dud limbo-land. I am sure dadalus will dissect our little fart forum. Hey Blackguard check out my comments under the heading My son's letter of Disassociation. Your a real gas buddy, Maverick

  • RR

    I don't think we should be discussing this. Or don't you know that farting can be linked to pagans?


  • blackguard

    Hey maverick----I'm not really full of s***--just full of gas!

    And RR--- of course you're right:--farting is something pagans do and therfeore something we really need to discuss out in the open(the air inside can get heavy)

  • johnny cip
    johnny cip

    any one that can clear out a kh with one BLAST. HAS to have the favor of god....

  • TR

    Hey! My crap don't stink! Just the air around it.


  • TemeculaMole

    I too am a fartologist. Recently I have been working on various metrics to measure fart performance. Here is what I have so far:

    Sound - The louder and longer the better

    Pungency - Theres stink and then there is down right sickening

    Lasting Power - The longer it lingers the better

    Messy factor - Did it juice up your shorts

  • blackguard

    Hey Temecula Mole, You bring tears of joy to my eyes. I trust a sniff test will do the same for others. Don't you just hate it when you're standing in a long line waiting to pay for your coffee and buns and decide there and then to let one rip so as to clear the line and get to the cashier, but as you do you realise that there was more substance than gas? I guess this is what you might call the 'Juicer'. If the line doesn't clear quickly, boy haven't you got a mess on your buns by the time you reach the cashier?

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