Last nite I had another dream, it has been awhile and since consciencely I don't want to go back to the KH, it is a little disturbing.
I dreamed I went back but went to a different congregation , but I saw many of the same people I grew up with , I threw my last pack of cigs away. I wondered why so many people were afraid to talk to me, but I was glad to see them. I was glad to see so many kids for my children to make new friends with. My son, had a friend from school there , that was also playing football but still able to be a good JW. Then I went back to my childhood congregation. This one was harder I felt I was begging this one elder to let me back in, I was crying telling him, he knew the pain I went thru as a kid with my family and I needed to be back and in my heart never left. Then I saw my dad, and expected him to turn away from me, but he just hugged me. Now that really was a dream.
I guess I will try to explain, or decode this dream,,,,,,,I think it surfaced because Feb. 2 would have been my mother's 53 birthday and my sister went to her grave and also the old house of my grandmother and got some pics , some things that were my mom's. I was heavy in heart of all the past ,,,,,,,, as bad it was , it was all I had.
I think I dreamt that dream because I was just feeling loss, it was the people , the security that the religion gave me, not the believing in the religion anymore. I just wanted to go back because I think it symbolized the lost childhood, the past,,,,, even thou it would be in real life , like returning to the scene of a terrible crime.
I told my husband about this dream , like so many others, and he said maybe it is because I miss my spirituality. I think this is very true, I havent found any sense of hope , faith or connection to others, like I did as a JW, even if it was based on falsehood. Just like my childhood home life, why would I want to go back to being at home with all that went on there? I guess as bad as some things are , these were parts of our lives that just were such a part of us, and we define ourselves by what we went thru.
Since my childhood home is gone, my dad, my mother, my whole former life has vanished,,,,,,,, I guess I know I can never go back home. So the congregation was my home in those years after our family broke up,,,,,,,, now I can never go back there either. Don't get me wrong, I really don't want to go back, but the fact is ,,,,,,,,,, I can't.. it is not there for me anymore either.I would only be shunned as I am now, the door forever locked and it doesnt seem just , because just like at home I don't feel it was my fault. It is the WT fault for lying and coverups to begin with. They in a sense MADE me leave, I couldnt stand the pain of staying there anymore.
I just thought this whole thing was strange, going back in the subconscience dreams of always trying to fit in, of going back to what at one time gave me what I thought was meaning in life.
Just another phase of grieving my lost faith, dreams, family and friends.
Do any of you still have dreams or feelings that come up that conflict with what you know in your head is not what you really want?