<I>I promised Magdaleen that I would post this for her.
Plus it has come to my attention that Gopher aspires to becoming a satirist and being the loving, caring soul that I am, I always try to help the young. He is welcome to try to keep up, but my personal bet is that about 2/3 of the way through he will scream in terror and jump out the window.
This letter was actually sent toward the end of June, 1996. Yes, it took about 6 months to write it, as I was working 70 to 80 hours a week as a long haul truck driver. It was written primarily to my daughter’s (and our former) congregation in Alaska, with copies going to the parties named at the end of the letter.
All the names have been changed or blanked out except for P. G. Ronco, the Branch Overseer, whom I know personally. This is due to the fact that all parties involved have done well in living up to the conditions I required of them. To further embarrass them would be unfair. This means that if anyone manages to figure out who they are and mess with them, they will answer to me.
The situation revolved around my oldest daughter (Sally), who married an elder’s son (Billy Smith), only to be grotesquely abused by him. I won’t go into more detail here, for the reason mentioned above. I would suggest that you have a shovel and a pair of hip boots handy. If it doesn’t get a few smiles out of you, then you’re pretty far gone.
I should add that this is only the last half of the letter. I was chewing on them on another matter in the first half, plus it contains some rather personal details that are unnecessary for this post.</I>
The following I’m addressing to the members of H.O.G.W.A.S.H.; Honorable Officials for the Generating of Wild Asinine Suspicions and other Hooey. We’ve all met them I’m sure. Many times they are elders, but not always. Usually they can be distinguished by a superior air. It’s amazing how they always know more about what we are thinking than even we ourselves do. These folks have been dreaming up evil motives for me for a long, long time now.
Two things bother me about this.
1. It seems unfair to me that they should get all the fun of dreaming up the evil motive whenever I do, say, or write something. It is only fair I get to share in the fun.
2. Their efforts lately have been very poor, reflecting a lack of pride in their work. Really, (and I’m sorry to have to say this) their work has been so slip-shod and unimaginative that it is a disgrace to the entire H.O.G.W.A.S.H. organization and I strongly recommend something be done about it.
There have been a few half-decent ones, but not many. One young couple with the last name of Smith figured I sent my daughters around to visit other families in order to spy on them. Then there was the elder down here who was convinced I was plotting to bomb the Kingdom Hall.
Even these, though, leave a great deal of room for improvement. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a truly excellent evil motive thrown at me. I’m afraid it may be a dying art.
In view of this, then, I’d like to take this opportunity to do my part in correcting the situation. I wish to demonstrate the proper construction and application of an evil motive and not incidentally share a little in the fun myself.
Take this letter now. I’ve said some nasty things in here, but as everyone knows, I’m so wicked that even Satan himself comes to me for lessons. Therefore to find the evil motive behind these nasty things (even if necessary) would be mere child’s play and not worthy of our time.
However, also contained in this letter is not only a denial that I hate the Smiths, but actual compliments (albeit, backhanded ones) for both Tony (Billy’s dad) and Billy. Now <B>any</B> member of H.O.G.W.A.S.H. worth his or her salt will immediately know there is an evil motive behind that. But what could it be?
I feel free to divulge it here, because I know you are honorable people and will not tip off the Smiths.
The truth is that I am trying to lull them into a false sense of security. As mentioned previously in this letter, I have been providing some rather unusual animal products for medicinal purposes for some time now. (Yellow jackets and hornets.) Also, if you’ve kept up with the news, you will know the market in the Far East is far greater in both variety and quantity than it is here. Bear gall bladders and various types of antlers are a couple of products that go for big bucks. Then there was the fellow caught smuggling more than 50 lbs. of dog male members a couple of months ago in Hong Kong.
At any rate, my reputation for quality and reliability has been growing. A few months ago I received a note from the Outer Mongolian ambassador asking me to meet with a trade delegation. I did, and was treated most courteously. I came away both gratified and enlightened, and holding an invitation to visit their capitol Ulaanbaatar, all expenses paid.
It seems that the active ingredient of a very powerful aphrodisiac there in Outer Mongolia is the powder of the adult male Smith. I had been recommended to them as reliable and they were hoping I could provide them with rather large quantities of it.
I, naturally, accepted.
They made the request that before going into full production, I send them a sample they could test for potency, purity, etc., which is certainly reasonable.
Now, the way I figure it, Billy would serve admirably in this capacity. The last I heard he weighs about 170 lbs., which means after a good enema I’d have about 120 lbs. of usable material left. Then after processing, (freeze-drying, grinding, quality testing, packaging, etc.) I reckon I’d end up with approximately 50 lbs. of pure Smith powder.
Now, given that the quality is up to snuff and that customs fail to catch my smugglers, they promise me a price delivered of 240,000 tugriks per gram! If I could have delivered the shipment on June 21, l996, for instance, the exchange rate being 466.67 tugriks to $1.00, I would be paid $514.28 per gram, $233,274.41 per pound, or $11,663,720 for the entire shipment. Not bad for a couple day’s work, eh, what?
I could use some help here though. It will take a while to process the sample, ship it, and get the final approval. That is good, for it provides time for us to fatten up the rest before I come up to harvest them. My plan is to gain the cooperation of the Smith women in this matter in exchange for a share of the profits, of course.
Now, as to the regimen for fattening them up, I’ve been doing a considerable amount of research, even consulting with the staff of the agricultural department at Oregon State University. To achieve the greatest weight gain in the shortest possible time the following regimen should be followed:
A. A balanced diet of at least 8,000 calories a day, preferably more.
B. Supplemental vitamins and minerals amounting to at least fifteen times the minimum daily requirement.
C. One quart of Miracle-Gro plant food taken at every meal.
D. Pack their feet in manure every night before putting them to bed.
This, I am assured, will without fail produce large, high-quality Smiths suitable for harvest. They should be at least 6 ft. 5 in. tall and 250 lbs.
Now there, folks, is an evil motive truly worthy of the name. It’s a credit both to the one creating it and the one receiving it. Why, just check out these high points:
1. Every step of it is illegal, immoral, and some of it is even fattening.
2. Both the product and the means for getting it are gruesome if not downright macabre.
3. The amount of filthy lucre involved is astronomical.
4. The end product is used for sex, probably illicit.
5. It involves the exploitation of an endangered species.
Yes, this one has it all! But wait! There’s more . . .
I want especially for the more advanced student to pay close attention to these finer points, for they are the things that lend credibility. It’s like the maxim says: “The little things are the difference between excellence and the merely good.”
Now – note the careful transitions from one part of the plot to another, each piece dovetailing into the next so that the progression seems natural and logical.
Then observe how fact and fantasy blend so well into each other that it is difficult to distinguish where one stops and the other begins. Something that helps considerably in this matter is the inclusion of some facts that are so esoteric that it takes a considerable amount of research to verify them. For instance, the capitol of Mongolia and their unit of exchange, the tugrik, were found on the Internet, but it was necessary to go to the International Department of the Bank of America to get the exchange rate.
Again: The harder your victim has to work to verify some fact in your story, the more believability it lends to the whole thing. Remember that.
I would appreciate it very much then, if you members of H.O.G.W.A.S.H. would study this sample with a view toward the upgrading of the quality of your work. Remember what the scriptures say: “All that your hand finds to do, do with your very power . . .” (Eccl. 9:10) and “Whatever you are doing, work at it whole-souled as to Jehovah, . . .” (Col. 3:23)
I’m sure you can see the importance of this and wish to thank you in advance, as I feel certain of your enthusiastic cooperation.
<I>(I now recount an amusing story about leading people on, but I won’t recount it now as this is long enough already. I continue . . .)</I>
Dog-gone it now, that <B>was</B> fun! We’re gonna have to do this more often! Anyone wanna borrow my shovel? Arf, arf!
Let me leave you then with a word of caution. There will be those of you who will be outraged by my conducting of this matter in a semi-public manner.
Think of it this way: One of the reasons Christendom has turned off so much of the world is the hoity-toity air of being holy and unblemished that they sometimes assume. People are not dumb. They know that everyone makes mistakes and has difficulties with others at times, no matter who they are. Look at the Apostle Paul and Barnabas. (Acts 15:37-40)
For us to assume that same air only accomplishes one thing. We prove to them that we are hypocrites.
Whether or not we have disagreements then is not as important as how they are handled. And it is precisely here in such times of difficulty that true Christians should distinguish themselves from the crowd.
Then again, how many of the Nation of Israel’s faults did Jehovah keep secret? Did he not inspire the Bible writers to put them all down so the whole world could know of them? Why?
Because if they are only hypocrites, he wants everyone to know, for then the sheep will not put faith in them.
Likewise if their main concern is the welfare of the sheep and not their own pride and dignity: if they demonstrate the attitude of Luke 17:10 in their lives, he wants the sheep to know that, too. He knows those sheep will be attracted to such practical ones and that they will be well cared for when they do respond.
It’s not without reason that Jehovah wants his people to be a “theatrical spectacle” to the world. (1 Cor. 4:9)
And now I am curious. Are there any men up there in that congregation? Or are there only boys? I reckon I’ll soon know.
<I>Here I signed my real name. There was a lengthy P. S. too, but as it was more of a personal nature and as this is already too long, I’m leaving it off too. Copies of this were distributed as follows:
***** Congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses (“Sally’s” congregation in Alaska, and our former one.)
Alaska State Troopers, ***** Office
Valley Women’s Research Center
***** Congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses (Our current congregation in Oregon.
P. G. Ronco, Alaska Branch Overseer. (Based in Anchorage.)
For some reason or other, they have never hassled my family or me again. “Sally” and kids are doing well. “Billy” is very respectful toward his elders. They own their own home and she is just finishing up a college course.
“Tony” never did send me an apology, which is fine. He can stew in his own juice.
Meanwhile here in this congregation in Oregon, my wife and kids are well accepted in the congregation. Some of my son’s best friends are elder’s sons. Sometimes he stays over night in their homes, and sometimes they stay over here.