Dealing With ANGER!!

by kairos 8 Replies latest jw friends

  • kairos

    Little help I'd like to pass on from another cult survivor to me.

    Not JW but a violent, physically captive Indian cult.

    She says on anger:

    It's the longest lasting emotion with have.

    It takes at least 90 seconds for it to run it's course once we STOP.
    A lot can happen in 90 seconds, and some of the most horrible exchanges and actions happen right after the anger first manifests itself.

    We're experiencing FANTASTIC results by just going for a very short walk ( 90 seconds out in the yard or other room ) before continuing the conversation.

    When my wife and I come back together we can smile, embrace and congratulate each other for avoiding a horrible day.

    Before it even becomes anger, wait 3-5 seconds before making your reply. SLOW IT DOWN!! We imagine there is limited time and we are in some sort of hurry. Not true!

    Building a loving and lasting relationship takes constant work.
    There are no short cuts, so making time for our lover is top priority.

    Have a great day!

  • cha ching
    cha ching

    Thanks for sharing.... See? 'Just breeeeeaaaaaaaaaaathe' ;-)

    Ahhhhhh, feel the love.

  • LisaRose

    There is a scientific reason for this. The primitive part of our brain responds much faster han our more developed brain. This is what causes road rage, any shock or threat activates our primitive brain, and the fight or flight response. This is why people who are normally passive can do something very shocking and out of character for them. As time passes the more logical brain takes control.

    Breathing is a good way to gain control. Try breathing in slowly for eight seconds, holding your breath for eight seconds, then breath out slowly for eight seconds.

  • dubstepped

    I was one angry dude for most of my life. Then one day it hit me that although anger and rage was at the surface, sometimes dangerously so, it was all just a front for deep sadness and hurt. Once I started asking myself what I'm really feeling under the anger I was better able to deal with the cause instead of just the symptom. It has helped me more than anything else in dealing with anger. Reading about the ego helped me to see that often that was what caused the anger, feeling out of control or like I looked bad in a situation. Verbalizing what those deeper things under the anger were really helped me be more authentic and my wife and I have a much better relationship than we ever did. I have much less road rage. Stepping back and watching myself and my reactions as they're happening (thanks mindfulness) helps me to be present and to call myself out before reacting badly because I can see the signs now.

    Like you said, just taking a second to cool off, or doing some exercise like walking, helps give us a minute to process instead of reacting. Good for you for taking the challenge head on. It is tough sometimes even just to walk away for a minute, but so worth it.

  • kairos

    If I honestly take a good hard look at my biggest mistakes and embarrassing moments in life, they most often happened while angry.

    If I can keep from getting angry, I'm golden.

    "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry"
    -Bruce Banner

  • Phizzy

    Great advice, especially for me at present. I have got to the Victor Meldrew stage in life, and do not suffer fools gladly.

    I need to slow the mouth down until the brain has considered the best, kind, and most thoughtful way to speak.

  • SecretSlaveClass
    As someone who used to suffer from PTSD I used to be physically violent. I saw a few shrinks and attended some group councels out of necessity- violence was threating to destroy my life and the very real possibility of seriously hurting somebody and breaking the law hung over me like a pawl I could not seem to shake for the longest time. I was only to happy to blame everything but myself for my anger and justify it accordingly. Getting my violence under control was not a gradual process for me oddly enough. That simply "happenned" one day when I realized how my violence was affecting what mattered most to me in life - my wife. Seeing tears roll down her cheeks and fear in her eyes was like a slap in the face. Although I never once raised so much as a finger at her, my behavior frightened her and it struck a chord that someone I loved so dearly and only wanted to protect, was afraid of me. It was an overwhelming feeling of shame which forced a serious introspective examination of myself, so that I was able to arrive at the conclusion that I was to blame for not accepting responsibility for that which I ultimately had the power to change - myself. The past had nothing to do with my future and certainly people in general had nothing to do with my past, so why involve them in my anger issues. When I feel anger boiling up in me now I immediately start to dwell on all the positive things in my life, then instead of playing the blame game I find myself very grateful and most fortunate for the things I have achieved, attained and learned. Life is just too short to ruin by letting issues which have no control over me dictate my behavior or thought process. I'm a firm believer in positive thinking!
  • The Rebel
    The Rebel

    I have heard it said " The only person who can make you angry, is yourself". Admittedly some people, situations or POSTERS on this site,can make the challenge of staying calm verses anger more challaging.

    The Arebel.

  • flipper

    KAIROS- Interesting thread thanks for posting it. I've also read that it takes less muscles in your face to smile than to frown somewhere- so the idea is to be happy and smile more and frown less. LOL !

    But yeah, in all seriousness the thing that really helps me get rid of my anger or sadness towards the JW cult is playing music or singing and strumming my guitar. It get's the " Led or lead " out so to speak and helps me readjust my thinking into a more positive vibration. I know we've talked about playing music before- so you probably experience similar things as well. It's a healer - most definitely. Take care bud, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

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