Update on my Dad and Merry Christmas!

by DJ 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  DJ

  Hi everyone,

  I haven't been around lately because it's been hectic with my father who is sick with brain cancer. I just wanted to pop in and wish you all a blessed Christmas and send out lots of friendly hugs.........

  My siblings and mother have been fighting a lot lately over who is doing what to help my father. They are dubs and I am a traitor. My oldest sister who is considered a very spiritual sister amongst her peers has been particularly mean spirited. It's as if she is the only person in the world who has stress. Her life is miserable, her husband left to live in Rome (that's where he is from) because she just criticizes him and anyone else who crosses her path. One of my brother's who is not baptized turned her in to the elders and she got a talking to. The funny thing is that my sister has been living with my parents because she is the most integral player in my father's care. He is in a clinical trial. His med's are injected via IV catheter in his chest. This is not yet FDA approved therefore family members are responsible for his med's, keeping logs, monitoring his sodium intake....etc. To prepare one bag of medicine takes a minimum of one and a half to two hours and this is done twice a day. There is much more that is involved but I will spare you...

  My mom has been pretty depressed despite her anti depressants and she contributes little in the daily chores or my dad's care. This causes considerable bickering between my sister and mom. My mom ends up crying and retreating to her room. My oldest brother has been learning how to prep the IV bags and helps a few times per week. The medical care is very expensive and my sister has been footing the bill with some help from my husband and I. So far about $ 30,000.00 has been needed. My sister is quite wealthy and this is pocket change to her. To my husband and I it has been rough. My sister forbid my mother from working so my other sister has taken over her business temporarily. That lead to the issue of my parents having no grocery money. My sister has been living there as I said, but she refuses to purchase groceries. I have been doing the grocery shopping for them and spending about $170.00 per week for that. I bring the food and stay and cook enough for several meals. I also clean when I can and have taken over my parent's bills/bookkeeping for them. The brother who ratted my sister to the elders does very little to help at all.

  I've told you all of this because I have been informed by my siblings (the loving dubs) that I am not contributing enough and I need to learn how to do the iV bags and come 3 days per week. I have two young children whom I just enrolled in school and ceased homeschool so that I could help more. i live one half hour away and the rest of them live about 5 minutes away. The funny thing is that I was shunned until my father became ill and I had to fight my way back into the family to see him. I am quite sure that I will be shunned AGAIN when this is all over. I love my dad very much but how do you tell people that you can't do anymore that you already are doing?? They are so judgemental and they even called a family meeting on Christmas day. When I told them that it was not a good day for me I was snubbed. The meeting is to delegate jobs to us. My kids are off from school until Jan. 3rd so I can't reaaly help out anymore until then. Sure, I would bring my children with me BUT I was told that is not acceptable and I was told to hire a sitter. What am I doing?
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  UnDisfellowshipped

  I am so very sorry about the situation you are in and about your father's health.

  I pray that our Lord Jesus Christ gives you peace, love, grace, mercy, and joy, and I pray that have a very Merry Christmas!
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  outnfree

  ((((((((DJ))))))))))

  What you are doing is being very generous and helpful and loving to your DAD and MOM. Please keep in mind that Scripture the dubbies like to quote about how you're not to compare your works to others'? And also, that God knows your heart. And remind them that you are not to neglect your OWN family in order to take care of your parents. Yes, you are to honor them, but it is your husband to whom you are now joined with a three-strand cord and to whom you owe your FIRST allegiance (next to God, and NOT your sister).

  I am sorry for the hassles and wish you a Blessed Christmas as well. Your love for your father was beautifully expressed here, may your love for your Father sustain you through these difficult times.

  Love,

  out
• 

  ugg

  what an awful situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sending you hugs....many many of them...just do your best..
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  Francois

  What are you doing? You're attempting to do all you can in a very complex and unlovng situation in which your sister is attempting to exercise JW-like control over you. And you seem to be giving in on a regular basis that on some level you hate yourself for doing.

  If you're asking for advice, mine would be to do what you can and unapologetically refuse to do more. Tell 'em all to get f**ked.

  francois
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  Mulan

  This is a situation where you have to take some control. When they tell you what they want you to do, I would say "I understand you need me to help more, so this is what I am able to do, and still care for my children." And then outline it. Can your husband have some input too? If they say that isn't enough, tell them the same thing again. (my favorite quote "No one can take advantage of you without your permission")

  Our family went through a similar situation a year and a half ago, when my cousin was dying of cancer. We didn't have the meds to prepare like your family does, but it was still a lot of work. So I understand.

  You can't change them..............the only one you can change is you.

  A suggestion: Stop the meds that the family has to work so hard to prepare. Will it really save his life? It might help everyone, if a nurse could be there to care for him. You do realize he will die, don't you? It seems so cruel to prolong life, at such a terrible cost, both money and emotionally, when the quality of life is so bad.

  I can't help but think of what Dr. Phil would say about this: "How's that working out for you?"

  Where are all the loving dubs, from the local congregation? Aren't any of them helping your family? I know they are probably saying that this is a family responsibility, but where is their love? Being me, and as agressive as I am, I would HAVE to ask them that question.

  I am so sorry for your ordeal. Please keep us informed.
• 

  DJ

  Thanks for your replies. Outnfree, I understand what you are saying about comparing works. That is unfortunately what is being done. I do not consider this works at all. For me, it is only because I love my father. I am honored to help him. I suppose I would consider it works if he was just a stranger whom I didn't love because it would be hard to sacrifice for a stranger. I truly appreciate your kinds words and thank you.

  Undis..........Thanks and please do remember me in your prayers.

  Francois.......thanks for the advice. Your right, in one way I do hate that I have to continue to show love for my siblings when they are soooooo rude and inconsiderate. I have cared for my late husband after he suffered severe brain damage and I received no help. I was alone with him for a year until our house was foreclosed. Noone did my grocery shopping or cooking or cleaning or aided us in any way. He died a few years later. I also have experienced having to care for my current husband when I was pregnant with our second child after he was in a motorcycle accident and spent one month in the hospital. He had 23 transfusions and my family was......well......livid. He was in a wheelchair for many many months and we were in the process of moving to a new home. I took a taxi to have some surgery (circlage) so that the baby wouldn't be born a premie. Noone was there to help us! YES< damn straight I have anger and I am angry when they complain of all of the stress that they have, which they do holler about constantly. They have lost focus on the reason for the stress and it has become a power struggle for the winner of the most helpful and sacrificial award. We all hit rocky roads in our lives and we are supposed to try our best to do what is necessary to aid the loved one. In my opinion, measuring who is doing what is absurd and sickening. I only do this for my dad. He is my reason. He is the one that I love, always have and always will. He is the only one who didn't totally shun my husband and I after the transfusion thing. He was not pleased but he didn't lecture me or hate me for it. I need to continually focus on my pop and tatally ignore the mean demands of my siblings. I have no guilt. I have and will do all that is possible for my papa. Thanks, I guess I just had a one sided therapy session. I have to stay focused on my dad ONLY. Thanks Francois, your check is in the mail!

  Thanks for the hugs ugg........I need 'em.

  Mulan,

  There is a family meeting soon and I've asked my husband to come with me because they watch their tongues around him. He is a very loving and soft spoken person whom they do respect even if he ate blood and lots of it! I have stated that I am doing my 100% best and that I have young children who need me.........I was told to hire a sitter.

  As far as the med's go, well........this is a very effective treatment. There are scores of brain tumor patients who have been CURED by antineoplastons. My dad is tolerating it well. It is non-toxic. He wants to live and we can afford it so, why not. Yes, it's stressful and mind boggling difficult but it just may work for him. He has had no tumor growth since he's been on it and that is quite remarkable. I am ready if he dies...we all are... but we want to give him the best shot. Someone has to have the guts to follow thru on clinical trials. This could save someone else life someday. It is noble in my opinion and done out of love.

  The loving dubs that you mentioned are not around and I am not surprised, are you? They call to remind my family of their meetings........................I stay with my dad when my mom goes out for field service. Sounds like ripleys believe or not, huh? Take care Mulan.