Just so you know where I am coming from, a little background: my wife's father, Bill, is 78. He has been a Witness for almost 50 years, was an elder, is of the anointed and used to know a few people from way back when (including a couple from the GB). Bill, very independent, lives in a retirement home about 10 minutes from us. Her mother, Katherine, is in the last stages of Alzheimer's and is currently in a nuring home. As the disease progressed during the 90's, she become angrier and verbally abusive. Bill took care of her by himself for nearly 10 years before finally committing her to a nursing home 2 years ago. It was afterwards that something strange happened. Bill changed. He went from being a mild-mannered and wise elder (the epitome of a kindly "older man") to a drunken, loud and obnoxious sailor who wants to bed anything in a skirt (he served during WWII in the Pacific). He had an affair with a woman in his retirement home for a few months before he finally confessed to the elders. Naturally he was DF'd, even though he ended the affair. Personally I don't care about it; actually I was pleased that he seemed to be finding a little happiness after years of misery (we even had her over to our house for lunch). But as the term of disfellowshipping went on, Bill began to drink more and more. He lied to several doctors about chest pains and anxiety to get Xanax and Vicodin and other drugs. It was not unusual for him to take 3 Xanax followed by several glasses of wine. Over the holidays last year we insisted he stay at our house because he seemed so depressed. At times he was so drunk he could barely stand, and often had to put his hand on a wall or some furniture to keep from falling.
In March of this year, he was reinstated. We hoped this would stop the drinking. If anything, he began to drink more. We tried talking to him about it, but he would only get defensive or angry. We had no idea how many prescription drugs he was taking daily. As Bill began spiraling more and more out of control, we could see what was coming and yet I felt helpless. How do you help someone who doesn't want help? Finally in September we got the call. Bill had been taken to the hospital because he had overdosed on his drugs. When we go to the emergency room, the doctor told us that Bill had taken 18 Xanax. They found an empty jug of wine nearby. He had left a note taped to an old picture of him while he was in the Navy. The note simply said, "I love you."
Fortunately you can't kill yourself with Xanax, no matter how many you take. He was transferred to a psychiatric hospital. After 3 days of unconcsiousness, Bill complained of "chest pains" and was immediately taken to the emergency room again, where they pumped him full of morphine (which was what he wanted). I sat most of the day with him and was there when he finally woke up. He told me the reason he did it was because he had, had another affair and couldn't stand the thought of getting DF'd again. I told him I wouldn't tell anyone and especially no damn hypocritical elder. We went though his apartment and filled a garbage bag with all the prescription medication he had. We made a list and showed it to the psychiatrist whose next reaction was to prescribe another drug, an anti-depressant. After Bill was released from the psych hospital he saw the psychiatrist for about 6 weeks before he cancelled and went off the anti-depressants. He said it was because he didn't like the side effects, but I think it was because he wanted to start drinking again. And he has, with a vengence. He stayed with us over Thanksgiving and things got tense a few times because I put my foot down and limited him to one glass. Bill was not very happy about that. It was over Thanksgiving that we found out he's taking Xanax again (either once a day or 3 times a day; he keeps changing the story).
Now here's my problem. He is reaching a point where he won't be able to take care of himself much longer. His latest girlfriend lives just below on the first floor and has told us that she hears him falling. Sunday he showed up to watch the Dallas Cowboys game at our house and he had a large gash on his chin and his forehead that he explained away as him cutting himself shaving.
I am pulled in two directions. On one hand, I want to take care of him in his old age. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be older and facing the prospect of losing independence. It would be frightening. If we turned our back on him, he would have no one. That would be important to me if I was 78. Even though he's still going to meetings, no one will have anything to do with him. The Witnesses view him as damaged goods. No one invites him anywhere. Even though he is reinstated, it's as if he is still DF'd, although unofficially. On the other hand, how can I bring him into my house? We've got 2 children (ages 6 and 9). We've had to explain what getting "drunk" is to them. They've seen their grandfather pass out numerous times. Once he fell down our stairs and broke his collarbone because he was so drunk. If he comes to live with us, I can't allow him to drink. Yet more than once, he has gone behind my back and gotten a drink(s). He knows we don't like him drinking and yet he'll sneak around to get some wine.
The other thing that concerns me is his mental state. He attempted suicide once. If he comes to live with us, will he attempt it again? I don't want my children to go wake up grandpa one morning and find a dead body. Or worse, I don't want him to try a murder/suice. Am I overdramatizing? Is this just me letting my fears run amok? Am I making this whole thing too hard? Should we let him come live with us? Has anyone else had experience with elderly parents? Any feedback would be helpful.
Thanks,
Chris