Well March and April passed, more witnessing, placing mags and going on calls. The odd whinge about being a teenager LOL I still had the major crush for Stuart. I was really starting to "bloom" and those hormones were rampant. I was "in love" with a new guy every other week. Of course, it was all in my mind, and totally fickle, but with each crush a little more of my heart was torn away by cruel comments from elders. It is hard to grow up a witness, especially in a one parent family. It is kind of assumed that by not having a "full-time father figure" I would be a slut or trollop, or as one delightful sister put it "quite the young Jezebel". Heck, I was a 16 year old girl. anyway, I will share a little exerpt from a lengthy entry to the diary in August 1988.
"Amazing what can happen in a few months, where do I start? I'll start with Stuart, I was right, I didn't get him. He said I had a cold heart and that he didn't feel anything for me.It was about then that I met Andrew, a mechanical apprentice, next door to where Aileen works, he is 17.I like Andrew but I know I can't get involved, I hope I don't hurt him as I really care for him.I don't know how I will sort this mess out. I know I should pray for help but I'm too stubborn, proud, frightened, whatever? and I can't.
...Andrew rang up last night and we spoke for over an hour. I wonder how everything will work out?
...My poor Andrew, I am going to hurt you and there is no easy way out. We went for a drive to the lookout. I held his hand as we sat and looked out to the ocean. 'What am I going to do with you?' I asked. He just looked at me and we kissed. It was so nice, so special. I could have stayed forever. He put his arm around me, I could hear his heart beating, the same heart I am going to break. I cried and he kissed my tears away. I know everything is wrong but it feels so right. At the meeting today it was all about Satans snares and how easy it is to get trapped. Don't I know it! The only trouble is I'm not the only one caught in it, Andrew is the innocent party, I knew in advance the trouble but I kept going anyway. I prayed to Jehovah to help him get the Truth, even if we don't work out he deserves to have it.
...I know I am going to have to totally rely on Jehovah, I just wish I wouldn't make it so hard for myself. I spoke to Andrew this morning after resolving not to and after the circuit assembly on fearing Jehovah why don't I let it sink in? I called it off for the time being, so as long as I trust in Jehovah and do things his way noone gets hurt."
Well, at 16 I fell in and out of "love" quickly. But it was the start of a bigger problem...feelings of worthlessness and failure. And all due to not meeting Jehovah's "standards". Andrew was my first worldly boyfriend and while it was brief (about 2 months) I was sure at the time it was true love. And because as all good witness girls know, you have to get married if you are in love, I had very unrealistic expectations of love/relationships/boys etc. The romance with Andrew faded very quickly when I turned my attention to a new brother in the congregation. Stay tuned...LOL or tune out if I have bored you to tears.