There are actually some questions at the bottom of this lengthy thesis, however I thought a bit (ha ha) of background might be necessary first:-)
Some 12months ago after the switch flicked over in my head, I began the challenge of facing my fears head on, which led to breaking through the first mental barriers of the damage done by 22 years (from birth) of indoctrination.. The fear of loosing all I had was insignificant in comparison to denying myself any further what it really meant to be true to myself. For the first time, I could honestly attribute that all my mental strength and decisions were of my own accord. This new found mental freedom gave me such peace and happiness that I thought I could fly. The strength I drew from knowing that I could really trust and believe in myself would then help to bolster me for the onslaught of emotional battering that would follow.
You know what I just realised?! I think I may have started to set this one out like one of those life experiences in the back of the WT (which I would always read slowly to hopefully get through to P13 of the WTS :)
During the roughly 6month period of my mental acknowledgment of my awakening to my fizzling out I dealt with the situation as rationally and logically as I could. When I was being ostracized and abandoned by my family I used the benefit of having the way I used to think (just like themaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!) fresh in mind to help me logically comprehend their impersonal pre-programmed reactions. This helped me not to be less irrational, but to be articulate in my responses to their interrogations. It has been some months since then and having had some unrestrained and uncensored time to think, and attempt to re-establish I no longer have emotional insight into the way I used to think. As the very thought of these teachings and behaviours makes me almost physically sick. I hate that the brain washing and indoctrination is still so very much with me though. Every day I find there is something that triggers in me and old automated response, and it really REALLY disturbs me!
I know that I will work through it as my new philosophy of life begins to take shape. Im excited by this prospect, despite the fact that every once in a while (once a week!) having to work so hard at 23 to re-establish yourself entirely with no support really gets me down. I try to pick myself up quickly out of these down times, because I refuse to let my history with the JW organisation suck any more life out of me, to use it as an excuse for further periods of mysery.
One of the first triggers for me was that after yet another bad experience I realised that all I had in my life was false. I knew, but fought it from when I was 17 out of fear of god and man that the organisations beliefs were not insinc with my own personal ideologies. I knew that at the first sign of trouble I would be dropped at a hat, that the people who should be there to support you when you really needed it would not be, and I in turn if I stayed connected could not be there for them. I began to see that I wasnt rebellious or bad as I had so many times as a young person been labelled. I was born in the now, and just living the life that I was entitled to lead, one which I directed for myself in good conscience.
Q1. I wonder for all of you who have had the same experiences and are successfully travelling down the road to recovery; How and where did you stat in rebuilding your life when you lost everything you knew, everyone you loved? Im so determined to do it on my own, and am conscious while knowing we need people in our lives to be self sufficient in this respect. I for too long depended on a false sense of security and will not depend on anything like it again.
Q3. My other question and I would love to hear your experiences is; What became of the relationship you had with close family members? I myself have not been formally DFd and have not lost all lines of communication with all of my family members. But, I find it almost impossible to think that this can possibly continue since we are without doubt oil and water now. Earlier in the year when I ceased attending meetings and associating with JWs I decided that after sitting on many JCs that the elders had no right to judge me and condemn me by the WTSs standards, nor were they entitled to private information about me that should be of no consequence to them. This is when I decided that my formally excommunicating myself from them that I might be saying that they do have the right to discipline me?! I knew that they werent interested in my personal reasonings, and if I did try I would just have misinterpreted scriptures quoted to me my rote. I would not sit outside the back school once again while the committee decided my fate, and future because of what I knew was right for me. The problem now though, is that I feel that one of my sisters and my mother who still takes my phone calls, and are still very devout in their faith, are hiding behind the lack of formality behind my decision not to DA myself. My eldest sister and her husband have made it clear to me that they will have nothing to do with me, and wished me a good life. In some bizarre way I almost respect her more for it (very strange considering she has been so callous and cruel to me!). My mum says its not necessary and my other sister agrees. I just began to feel a couple of weeks ago that I wanted to put their unconditional love (ha ha) to the test, and that I didnt want to be given or taken at their free will and convenience of conscience. I thought perhaps by formalising my clear decision to them so that there werent any doubts about the seriousness of my decision that this would some help get me more closure in this respect?. But Im still unsure of what the right thing to do would be (mind you I have moved directly to the other side of the world since then!).
I know that I will never have a close relationship, if any with my 7 brothers and sisters and parents again. I also know that I have no regrets about the intellectual decision I made to leave the JW organisation, and would not trade it in a million years for a moment to have it back the way it was. I know that in hindsight that everything I had was fake. I also know that I will make it out of all of this to real happiness, despite how hard an impossible it seems at times.
Thanks every so much for hearing me out. I cannot tell you how refreshing your discussion threads have been for me. I am truly impressed with the balance that many of you have attained since you have left the extreme ways of the JW organisation behind. I cant thank-you enough for all the good this last week of logging on to your site has done for me, although Im sure many of you have had much the same experience.
Love & Hugs, V**