Disfellowshipped at 18

by asensier 52 Replies latest social relationships

  • Ding
    Welcome to the forum.
  • asensier
    I have a job and I'm starting college in September. I'm happy. Content. Just trying to move on to the next chapter of my life.
  • Oubliette

    asensier, welcome. I'm sorry for your plight. Sadly, it's a very common one: a person just wants to be themselves, living their own life, but due to the Witness beliefs they are cast aside, shunned and abandoned.

    What I'm struggling with is how I'm being disfellowshipped as 'an act of love.'

    I understand your struggle and the emotions you are going through. Although the details of my story are different than your, the end result was the same: all of my JW friends and family cut me off, every single one. There are a great many here that have suffered as you are now.

    Know this: Disfellowshipping is NOT an act of love. It just isn't.

    It is an act of emotional violence committed with the intent to control. Primarily, it is to meant instill fear in the hearts and minds of those that remain in the congregation and by so doing control them. It also has the secondary motive of possibly breaking your spirit and forcing you to return to your abusers (the congregation) humiliated, docile and easy to control.

    I feel completely abandoned. My boyfriend, despite his misconceptions about the religion, has been the only person to give me full support.

    I do know how you feel. When I was disfellowshipped six years ago I too felt abandoned. Fortunately, you have not been completely abandoned. Your boyfriend is still with you and loves you.

    You are very young and your relationship with him may or may not last, but he is with you now. Draw on his love and support to become your own person.

    What you will have to do over the next weeks, months and years is hard to do, very hard. You will go through a process very much like grieving. It hurts like hell, but in the end you will be a stronger person for it. It does get better though.

    Welcome to the rest of your life.


  • brandnew

    Just remember.....friends dont shun friends......not true friends...

    I feel you......im so in your shoes......just remember


  • berrygerry

    I agree with Oubliette - it is a grieving process, but harder in some ways.

    WT is the cruelest of religions.

    Hopefully, you can make true friends at school.


  • traveb

    One additional insight I can make is to tell your parents and other family members that you love them, and will always be there for them unconditionally. While this may be difficult since they are currently shunning you, this is taking the high road and showing them your character.

    They may say something along the lines that it's your fault they have to shun you because you "left Jehovah", but nothing could be further from the truth. Gently remind your family that you'll always be available to them, and they are free to reach out to you anytime. Leave the ball in their court, as the saying goes.

    Once they realize that you won't come crawling back to the cult on your knees, they may decide to have limited contact with you. Many ones on this board have experienced this, as the WTS has a difficult time controlling members from having relationships with DFed family members. Time will tell, but in any case I wish you the best of luck.

  • Oubliette

    BerryGerry, the sentiment on that embroidery is right on!

    The sad thing is a lot of JWs would see it as a compliment not a condemnation.

    Let's review: It's a cult!

  • tim3l0rd

    I agree with traveb. Let your family know that you love them even though you don't see eye to eye on religious beliefs. You might want to mention that you feel you were too young to make such a big commitment at 16. This may give your parents something to think about.

    Also, don't go wild and crazy and end up in a position where you have to "crawl back". Sometimes that happens no matter what we do, but it's best avoided as it would only serve to reinforce their opinion that those that leave JWs end up failing.

  • oppostate


    I've been putting up a brave front for months but with the announcement tomorrow casting shadows over me tonight, I feel a bit overwhelmed with loss.

    That day will come and that day will pass. Keep busy doing something you enjoy, hang-out with those who support you. Disfellowshipping is a violent act and has nothing to do with 'love'. It's like a beating with a bull-whip, it can leave emotional scars in one's psyche instead of physical ones.

    The best revenge is to live well. I wish you both a long long time of happiness together, and when you've grown old and satisfied with a great family, children and grand-children, you'll look back and be glad you got out of this mind controlling religion that wants to sap the best years out of people's lives and keep them slaving to provide for their cushy life atop a pyramid scheme of a religion.

    And not all religions are life swallowing cults. It just so happens that you were in one of the most controlling and nefarious ones. Be glad you've escaped their trap and now you can live the best life you can have, in freedom, in peace, in the company of those you love.

  • FayeDunaway
    Most of us here are living proof that you can actually be MORE successful and yes, HAPPIER without that religion. You sound like you know this already, probably because of what you've seen in your boyfriends family. I like the traveb's idea as well. Be sure they know it's in their court, and that you will be there for them. This actually might make them pause and think 'wait, it's not a complete given that I can never talk to her. This whole idea is a bit crazy...'

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