I've been away from the DB for awhile but after checking in this morning and reading through the topics started by Mulan about the anniversary of mom's death I decided to go ahead and post what I wrote the day following the 6th. I have chosen to not say too much in the past few months because I haven't had the energy to listen to stupid comments from people who do not think for themselves. It is very difficult for me to face head on the total lack of brainpower I see in a few people who are close to me when I attempt to talk about the issues surrounding my mom's circumstances and the unfair treatment she received, even from some in her own family. I am trying hard to be patient and slow to anger and all that nice stuff. But inside I continue to battle to remain on speaking terms with a few people from whom I expected so much more than I got. I am still relatively new at this and I have gleaned many fine tips from many posters here on how to handle brain-dead loved ones and the death of one's parent. Thanks to everyone here who has shared and witnessed to their own difficulties in facing circumstances similar to my own family's circumstances. It has been, and continues to be, a great source of inspiration to me. I hope that I can master the techniques needed to thrive in a world where we are surrounded by delusion and stupidity and be helpful to others who will come after me as they face the same challenges.
For anyone who is not familiar with my mom's story I have posted the links below. Following those links are my thoughts as I typed them nine days ago, one year after my mom's passing away from her cancer. Any who are moved to do so can follow the links in Mulan's site to the Breat Cancer groups and contribute whatever they can to help improve the quality of life of countless women who face this terrible threat every day.
Thanks for listening,
Sean
Links:
http://www.exjws.net/shunning/sharonkennedy.htm
http://home.earthlink.net/~herblst/sharon.htm
September 7, 2002
In Memory of
Sharon L. Kennedy
1942-2001
Just today my younger brother shared with me, and a few others, some things he wrote about his mom and the memories of that day that she passed away one year ago. It was nice to see him expressing himself and I really appreciated his sharing with me. I share his sentiment about how wonderful our mom was and how she loved her family and was delighted in her grandchildren. She really was a nice women and I cant think of a time when I thought otherwise. I cant think of anyone who knew her who didnt think she was an angel.
It puzzles me, then, why some who were close to her, or who claimed to be her friends, even some of her own family, ended up discarding her from their lives as so much garbage. Its not right, of course, to say such things in a memorial about someone dead. It just isnt proper to speak of such negative things in this setting, is it? Maybe not, but Ive always believed that I could share my negative feelings with those who loved me and they would understand. Life is not so neat and clean as to allow for the covering over of all that is bad just so we can all pretend that everything will be OK. After one years time I am still angry over what I saw happening right in front of me while I was caring for my mom and dad, while mom was facing her imminent death, and in the last few years prior to that event. I did grow beyond everything I thought possible while facing, together with my dad and mom, the horrible reality of her death. But the experience was very painful. And while I am more at peace now than I was a year ago I still shake my head every now and then in complete disbelief over what I witnessed from within and around my own family, adding insult to injury. It was a terrible tragedy to lose mom in death. It was an additional tragedy to witness the attempted execution of her good character by those she once counted among her friends, even by some from her own family. But at the same time I witnessed incredible displays of caring and human decency from many who were strangers to me. It is incredible to be so disappointed and at the same time so elated. Let me explain.
While I am still troubled over why some chose to do a terrible thing, I can say that in the year 2001 I came to know personally some really wonderful people. I especially came to know my family way beyond what I had known before. I learned more about my mom, dad, and brothers than I have in all the thirty-seven years prior to last year. I must say I was impressed with all of them and very proud of how well we all came together as a family. I was especially impressed by the strength of my older brother who overcame his fears splendidly (not that he was afraid of anything - the same fears we all faced knowing that mom was soon to die) as he jumped in and helped with all the work to be done. I have missed out on many years of association with my older brother so I was very touched by our ability to work together and support one another. I feel like we rekindled some of our former connection we once had when we were kids. Dad allowed himself to come face-to-face with some very uncomfortable circumstances and impressed me with his willingness to face extreme variation in emotions all in full view of his kids. He understood the difficulties of grief and sorrow and didnt try to play a role. He was just himself. I will always try my best to imitate that as I face similar trials in life that lay ahead. My youngest brother retained his ability to see the lighter side and played with his children, keeping his family going even though I know he was torn up inside. I also appreciated the sacrifices our wives made so that we could all spend some time with mom and how they cared for mom just as if she were their own mom.
I learned many more things from all of these ones. But more than from anyone else I learned from my mom. I became closer to my mom in her last year than in all the years we were together as mother and son. It is an irony that we should find out so late that we both had talents and personalities that ran in a similar vein. But I can tell you that mom turned out to be a lot more than I had ever before realized. I am ashamed to say that my ignorance and credulity contributed to her never achieving a fraction of what she was capable of. Still, she was happy to be who she was and was delighted to have had the opportunities she had. Whatever I notice now that I may feel was missing in our life through the years is not so important as what we had. Without a doubt, my mom proved that she had determination, conviction, and immense love and fellow feeling for other people.
Many people say they love other people but never quite grasp the full meaning of what love is all about. I claim to love other people, and I really do, but I cannot yet measure up to the forgiveness and patience and generosity of spirit that my mother displayed. She was quiet and drew no attention to herself so its not like she was known as a philanthropist or anything like that. I dont think she had any less desire for things than a lot of people have, and sometimes I saw in her a desire for things beyond what she had. But what I am talking about is her ability to refrain from speaking badly of anyone. I dont know if she ever bad-mouthed anybody out of my earshot, but I doubt it. She put up with people and never cursed anyone. To me, that takes a lot of forgiveness and love and patience and determination because there is ample opportunity every day to call down evil on someone. In her last few years she realized she had been dealt with very badly and had placed her trust in a promise that turned out to be a lie. When most people find out theyve been lied to they really get mad and will hold a grudge for a long time. I think I am fighting that tendency right now. But mom forgave everyone involved, including herself. And then she set out to make a difference for other people. She touched hundreds of people - most of who I never knew and will never know. When I saw all the love surrounding her in her last few months - love from people who responded to her love and returned it and shared it with her family - I knew she had grown beyond who I had once known.
I was not able to see my parents grow into elder adults over the years since I had moved across the country, nearly twenty years now. Those last few months, when I was able to spend extended periods of time with them both, I came to know both mom and dad as friends like never before. But more importantly, as fellow human beings who are faced with the same fears and grief as are all others of mankind. I was able to connect with mom on a level far beyond what we had previously. Perhaps, if she had come to know the things she knew in her later years, at an earlier date, we could have connected sooner. Still, I came to know more of her mind on matters considered of utmost importance to a great majority in our society. For that I will always be thankful. My mom, along with my dad, was instrumental in opening my eyes to some of the simple realities of life that I had previously dismissed as unimportant.
I am no longer angry over my moms death. Nor am I angry over the treatment she received from her chosen community - that is, the harsh treatment itself. Stuff like that is just part of life and millions upon millions face similar things every day. However, Im still angry about the evident lack of love shown by some members of my family and many former friends. Im angry that some who claimed to love her have chosen to side with those men who slandered her and called her a god-hater and an immoral jezebel-like unclean woman. I know everyones imperfect and has their own fears to face. But I will never understand how someone who knew my mother could ever stand with those who called her wicked.
It is obvious to all outside observers that she was a good Christian woman, full of love. She attracted people because of her love and her goodness. How can anyone as close as a family member not see the injustice of calling her a wicked and immoral woman - a slanderous lie? How could anyone of her blood not speak up in her defense when she was being publicly humiliated by her so-called friends? When almost everyone she had trusted with her friendship turned their back on her why wouldnt some who were from her own family rally around her and dispute the viscous treatment of such a fine woman? I will never understand how anyone could have believed that she was wicked and a hater of God. That is just pure stupidity. Until I hear those who stood with her accusers come forward and publicly admit that mom was a victim of abuse, and apologize for their stupidity, I will find it hard not to remain angry.
I will try to follow my moms example and not strike back by calling down evil on anyone. I know how hard it is to stand up to the power of wicked men in a powerful organization. But I will never again be able to find that trust I once had in those of my family who shared in attempting to defame my moms good name. Of course, I know it is all a lie and there is no substance to it. But I also know it hurt my mom and dad, and several others. I believe in exposing abusers and treating them as criminals. Abusers are thieves. They steal peoples lives and dish out huge amounts of hurt. We may never get to prosecute moms abusers, but Ill be damned if I will stand by while they do the same to some other fine lady. Those who know of what I speak know what side they are on. By far the majority of my moms family stood up for her, as family should. Also a few friends risked their own reputation to stand by my mom and dad. And some family members still dont have a clue what happened.
Yet, even though I have not named you, you know who you are that chose to side with her accusers and slanderers rather than speak out in her defense. Shame on you. I cannot applaud such a pathetic weakness of character. But I do understand that you are afraid. For that reason I pity you. And I hope you one day ask for forgiveness over your refusal to reach out and love the one who loved you in her hour of need. I hope that one day I will be able to leave this anger. It is not a good thing to remain angry too long. Neither is it a good thing to remain stupid for too long. I hope we all leave stupidity and anger behind and heal the wounds in our family.
While I wish to spread nothing but good cheer on this day I cannot help but reveal my anger. Sad. Yet, it is, for me, the appropriate thing to do. Those who know what my mom was all about share my head-shaking disbelief that such a thing as this could happen to her. It is incredibly sad that my mom had to face such a dreadful disease as cancer and eventually succumb to death. But, to me, it is tragedy upon tragedy that her good name was thrown into the garbage by her so-called friends, who only proved to be her enemies. It is a lesson in life I guess. I am still trying to be the trusting sort. But my trust is tendered by this experience of treachery I faced, together with my mom and dad. And I know now that the same type of treatment is being handed out all over this country, in fact, the world. I dont I think I have the power to stop it. But I can learn from it and I hope I can help others avoid the treatment we faced, or at least deal with it affectively. Only time will tell. I will say that I will welcome with open arms those I speak of above, who invoke my anger, if they ever choose to side with the abused instead of the abusers. In the meantime, I wish them no harm and I would never wish upon them the things my mom and dad experienced at the hands of their former friends. No one should have to go through that.
As for me, I have grown up because of the events that have transpired. I am no longer the foolish young man who sees only the good or only the bad. Good and bad are intertwined and in a strange way seem to be inseparable. I think mom was realizing the same thing and that was one of the things that allowed her to move on and not wallow in self pity. I will also move on and not continue to harp on all the wickedness in the world, hoping for some great event to magically wipe away all our troubles. I notice the wickedness and it still angers me but I choose to see the goodness right along with the badness. I think perhaps it has always been that way - and will always be that way. I wont hope for some conflagration to consume my enemies nor will I fail to appreciate the good found in friendship and honesty. And I will work on shedding this anger. Again, it is not good to stay angry too long.
All my love to Dad and to my brothers. Also to my half-sister who chose to stand with mom even though she wasnt her blood daughter. She had reason to feel hurt after years of bad treatment, similar to what my mom experienced, at the hand of her family, myself included. She proved to me the power of forgiveness and, perhaps this will also aide me in getting rid of this anger eventually. And, of course, to moms cousins who proved to be her truest friends. I feel like I have gained a family in many ways after having been accepted so unconditionally by moms cousin, who was more like a sister to her, and by her own extended family. All of these people, and more, many more, who I have failed to mention, like some of dads cousins, and moms friends from work, proved to be a bright and shining display of the same type of love my mom counted so precious. And all my love to my mom as I remember her good name on this anniversary of her death. Kudos mom, great job.
Sean Kennedy, #2 Son.