Or, How I Learnt To Love Tha Bomb.
This is a collation of some thoughts that have occurred of late to Yours Truly about the nature of IT and how it relates to Jehover, as they apparently call him in the Southern United States, a mystical land of Clam Chowder (whatever that is, it sounds nice!) and Festivals where women bare their breasts repeatedly. The previous is actually a major motivation of mine for immigrating to the US, by the by.
How did computers start out? What led to their existence? It is obvious that the hand of Satan (or Lucie, as I like to call him during our Spiritual Food beer sessions) has been in the design and creation of computers since the dawn of the MOV instruction. Let's have a brief look at their history and how it relates to Satan holding the entire world in his grasp (he must have one helluva big hand):
Now, some people would say the first true computer was EDVAC, but my personal feeling is that Alan Turings paper On Computable Numbers, which presented the Turing Machine, upon which John Von Neumann based his designs for some of the first computers, represented the beginning of these machines. Even though the Turing Machine was essentially a paper beast, it was still the blueprint for a true Computer. Recent research by Elite Bethel Investigators has indeed found that the real Turing Machine was actually a botched Field Service Time Report that Brother Turing mistakenly filled in. And thus was our innocence lost and the first Galaga game became possible.
In 1938, two very Spiritually Weak Brothers named William Hewlett and David Packard formed their company, Hewlett Packard, in a garage. The Elders didnt like this one bit, as they should have been Pioneering instead, those ungrateful sods.
Then, in 1943, a true Revolution in Computing occurred. Seeking a better way to fill out their Field Service Time Reports , Brothers Turing, Flowers, and Newman developed Collosus, the first all-electronic Computer. It filled an entire Kingdom Hall and pissed the Elders off no end because it couldnt play Kingdom Songs, which had apparently been the original intention of the Brothers who designed it.
1946 came around, and just after the last Convention of the year, Brothers John Von Neumann, Herman Goldstine, and Arther Burks announced their new paper: Preliminary Discussion of the Logical Design of an Electronic Computing Instrument. Immediately after this, they were all taken to the Starr Chamber and interrogated about why they were inactive.
John McCarthy and other Spiritually Immature Brothers formed the MIT Department of Artificial Intelligence, and are reproved for running ahead of Jehovers Earthly Organization.
When 1957 rolled around, the Russians launched Sputnik, and suddenly all of Russia stopped getting Kingdom Ministry pamphlets because of their worldly tendencies.
The first Evil Computer Game was developed in 1962, which meant that Alan Turing had to go 24 years without Quake. He was overjoyed that Brother Steve Russell had developed the game, but they were both reproved again, losing their nascent microphone carrying privileges, after the Elders found out they played the Evil Computer Game instead of going out on Field Service.
SAGE, a military intelligence and surveillance system, was deployed in 1963. Today, your average wristwatch can give it some pretty stiff competition.
One of the most horrible programming languages ever made, BASIC, saw its first incarnation in 1964. Although easy to learn initially, budding programmers soon discovered its hidden limitations, cruftiness, and line-parsed nature, and subsequently grew to loathe it. Not even Jehover liked it.
Control Data Corporation claimed that their CDC 6600 was a supercomputer, capable of performing 9 megaflops worth of operations per second, in 1964. Users later discovered that theyd been lying and that you could only run it reliably at 8 megaflops for any extended period. Thats 80286 power for you!
Douglas Ebert developed the mouse pointing device early in 1964 too. His test group later complained that its square, boxy design prevented them from easily accessing pornography on the Internet, so he redesigned it to be more comfortable for those extended XXX UPSKIRT TEEN U18 BRITNEY NAKED sessions.
Edgar Dijkstras famous 1968 essay GOTO Considered Harmful, in which he stated that the GOTO statement available in most programming languages was about as good an idea as stapling steak to your face and running around naked in a field packed with starving wolves, is greeted with wild applause by the MIT geeks and other geeks too. Bastard children of this essay still abound on the Net to this day, including such cult classics as Bill Gates Considered Harmful, Jehover Considered Harmful, and of course, the seminal JR BROWN, YOU ARE LIKE A CAMPER, DIE CAMPER DIE OMG WTF LOL Considered Harmful.
In the wisest career move/job security initiative of all time ever undertaken by any programmers ever, the (young) Federal Information Processing Standard authors encouraged the six-digit date format (YYMMDD) for information exchange, leading to a huge sh*tstorm in 1999 which involved them being paid exhorbitant prices to maintain COBOL programs everyone else had forgotten existed but which still performed crucial functions, such as computing Swiss Cheese Hole Indexes in Switzerland.
1968 was a very busy year all round for the denizens of the underworld of Computing, as the company Intel was created. Generations of chip designers would come to loathe this company, known internally as Inhell by its employees.
Arpanet, one of the first incarnations of the Internet, was developed in 69. Coincidence? Menothinkso. Hours after the first network connections were tested, scientists began getting pornographic penis enlargement emails in their inboxes. Historians later remarked that the first file ever transferred across the network was called BRITNEY_NIPPLE_EXPOSE_SHOT_0023282.MPG.
The true forefathers of Operating System design created UNIX in 1970, a mere 20 years before the first Linux kernel was developed by Linus Torvalds based on their design. Coincidence?
Ray Tomlinson sent the worlds first network email message in 1971. Here it is reproduced in its entirety:
To: [email protected]
Subject: I OWN JOO CAMPING HOE
I 4M O\/\/N1|\|G JOO 4ZZ, H03, FUC|<1|\|G C4|\/|P3R 814TC|-|!!!$@!## OMG LOLDOLWLL!!!!112321
Researchers at Xerox PARC developed a PC called Alto that used a mouse, Ethernet network connection, and a Graphical User Interface. Microsoft immediately enacted the DMCA for copyright violations and copyright protection circumvention and Xerox PARC Labs were destroyed by the Microsoft DeathStar.
Using a more accurate analogy than he could have dreamed of at the time, Frederick Brooks writes The Mythical Man-Month, which epicly depicts the battle of software developers with hardware, APIs, and rogue Britney JPEGS as the mortal struggle of great beasts in the tar pits. He later became an Elder, but none of the other Elders ever laughed at his tar pit jokes, poor sod.
Bill Gates and Paul Allen found Microsoft, paving the way for hundreds of thousands of really lame tech support phone calls in the decades to come.
Skipping forward a bit, in 1980 the Osborne 1 portable computer, weighing 24 pounds, is released. It is very useful for crushing skulls and breaking kneecaps, apart from being a powerful 16-bit computer.
With the introduction of Windows 1.0, Microsoft begins bringing the features of the Macintosh to the PC. Unfortunately, the version of Windows available in 1985 wasnt all that good, considering the fact that windows couldnt be overlapped (AT ALL!!!!!!), and that PC memory was usually a dismal 64K or so, with an additional 16K for video memory and about 16 colours if you were lucky.
At last, in 1985, Intel introduced a cheap 32-bit processor with virtual memory capabilities, paving the way for intense pornography applications such as cam girls.
Tim Berners-Lee proposed the World Wide Web concept to CERN in 1989, creating a place for all those dedicated Britney Nipple Exposure sites to be placed by adoring fans.
Skipping forward in a crazy fashion, 1995 sees the release of Windows 95. Let me explain to you a few small technical details about the design of Windows 95. This Operating System actually boots a lame, simple DOS kernel FIRST, loads some DOS device drivers, and then begins to load USER.EXE and other fun, obscure filenames. All of the time it runs, it spends about half its time running in 16 bit mode, and the other half in 32-bit mode. This was also Microsofts first Operating System to incorporate the happyfun BLUE SCREEN concept, unless you count Win32s, an extension for Windows 3.11 that allowed it to run 32-bit programs natively, albeit not Chicago-specific code. Yes, Windows 95 was a bodge and half all right! Talk about running ahead of the Organization!
The last 7 years have been relatively unexciting in contrast. Sure, we have more porn sites, but you have to pay to get into all of them. The great days of free prOn on Usenet are over, replaced in a semi-good way by Gnutella, Kazaa, and their loveable bastard children. Well, the RIAA loves them. Since Windows 95 was released, the entertainment industrys pet Congressmen wrote in laws that can make you do jail time for breaking encryption on things you pay for, which is all good & well. Jehover truly is blessing us in this time of the end, which Im sure is coming real soon now.
Regards,
[SYN] of the Bloody Tired Fingers After All That Typing Class.