What they SAY/What they MEAN is...

by LovesDubs 6 Replies latest jw friends

  • LovesDubs

    What they say and what they mean:

    In the hall, out in service or at the convention:

    "Sister Ester (aka Polly), how WONDERFUL to see you! Hasnt Jehovah BLESSED us this fine day?" (God woman what WERE you thinking when you put that outfit on today?)

    "I wanted SO BADLY to Auxilliary Pioneer this month, but this ankle..it just wont stop hurting me. I think Satan is trying to keep me from Pioneering." - (I signed up and Im bored to death with going out every freakin day, the ankle wrap is fake, and besides Oprah is on at 9 AM.)

    "Brother Dogbreath, I LOVED your talk today! What a wonderful, encouraging and uplifting job you did delivering Jehovah's fine message to his sheep!" - Gawd man, it was everything I could do to not SLEEP through that talk! Didnt you do the part in the school about WORD WHISKERS?? I almost ran up there and took your PULSE, could you have BEEN duller??

    "Brothers and Sisters! It requires a lot of effort and love to put on a convention such as this. Are we not BLESSED to be here partaking of Jehovahs FEAST? (wild applause) Yes...yes we are indeed...but as of today, our costs for holding this wonderful occasion, have not yet been met, so we need to remember to GIVE to Jehovah of our material goods so that we can CONTINUE in this fine manner..." - (Alright you IDIOTS...dont you SEE those boxes every 15 feet all over the freakin arena with CONTRIBUTION written on them??? Dont you KNOW that fully 70% of what we collect here goes DIRECTLY to the Society and we dont bother to tell you that? Empty those pockets nit wits and quit whining your baby has no milk!)

    "Brother Comfort, I have been SOOO depressed lately! I think that Jehovah doesnt love me any more and I am having trouble praying." (Im sick of this shit...tired of meetings...dont want to ever SAY the name Jehovah again, and Im leaving soon....but I cant say any of that because you will take my family from me.)

    "Sister Depressed, you need to go to meetings more and nourish yourself from the table of Jehovahs fine spiritual food! Study the bible daily, and keep your mind busy with the things of the Kingdom, and you will soon be well!" (Get off your ass and go to the hall lady and quitcher bitchin to me. I dont want to HEAR it and frankly if I have to go and listen to that drivel day in and day out, so do YOU, and dont read the bible without the literature or you will be cast into darkness, er...I mean you will probably wise up and leave the organization.)

    "Dont we LOVE the JOY going out in Jehovahs service brings us?" (wild applause) - (Except for a few wackos NONE of us love this crap, but I have to say this because the CO is here.)

    "There would be SOME who mock Jehovahs Organization, spreading LIES about the TRUTH in nationally published and broadcast media. We would do WELL to avoid these ones." (Look, turkeys, we KNOW some of yall watched that Dateline show..lies I tell ya! LIES! And that crap in the paper? and those COURT CASES? Alllllll liessssssss...well...most of it anyway. Ok, just a little of it. And I watched it too....but only ONLY because I thought it would help me out in field service. WHATS YOUR EXCUSE??)

    "Wasnt the District Convention wonderful this year? I came away SO refreshed and uplifted! I cant WAIT for the review at the hall so we can go over all that encouraging information all over again!" - (What would you think if I said it SUCKED?? I mean thats what I WANT to say...Ive never been so damn bored in my entire life short of LAST years convention. My feet are swollen, my kids have heat stroke, I got hemmorhoids from SITTING for three days and I lost my job for taking yet ANOTHER day off for what amounted to regurgitation of LAST YEARS spiritual tuna cassarole.)

    add your own :)

  • blondie

    Wonderful, LovesDubs. I love satire. Thanks for the translation.

    (What Elder Does Nothing says after your telling him how Elder Hot Temper screamed at you in field service)

    We're all impefect, Sister Target. We have to show love and overlook the brother's imperfections.

    (While he thinks, yes, he screams at us elders at the elders' meetings too and we can't do a thing about it)

  • sstarli

    How about "We missed you at the meeting" What they meant to say:

    Where in the hell were you today, you better watch how many you missed or you will be talking to the elders.

  • myself

    Elder calls: "Sister Inactive, we haven't seen you at the meeting in four years, we are having a Special Talk and lots of activity this week." What he means:"Our CO is coming to visit and our numbers are down."

  • truman

    What they say:

    We really hope you'll come back to the Kingdom Hall soon. We haven't seen you for quite a while, and we miss you.

    What they mean:

    My God...you look great, you've lost weight, and you look happier tham we've seen you look in years. That CANNOT be good. You're getting too much enjoyment out of life away from the org., and you need to be back in the 'spiritual paradise' miserable and bored like the rest of us. After all, if we are not constantly reminded how bad life is in this system, how could we keep our attention focused on Armaggedon.


  • Francois

    Sit right here on my lap, little sister Innocent, and we'll read Green Eggs and Ham.

    (And while we're reading, I'll just slip my fingers into your panties. Then when you're used to that, next time, I'll slip them somewhere else. Won't I BE HAVING FUN?)


  • SYN

    These are straight from my favourite favourite site, JWZone:

    Our part also emphasized pornography. However, we got the "only official Witness website is www.watchtower.org." All other "so-called witness sites" are to be avoided.

    We're not allowed to go looking at anything on the web except Watchtower.org, but the Society can do whatever the hell it likes! And we support this fully!

    My pioneer partner and I had planned to apply for Africa, one of the original sites listed in the information that came out a few months ago. However, the letter read here in the US last week did not include any cities in Africa. We're thinking that either it proved impossible (or unwise) to hold International Conventions there at this time OR that no delegates are being invited from the US.

    We fully understand that the Tower doesn't actually give a flying **** about what happens in Africa, as long as new converts keep being made and Watchtower "donations" keep coming in!

    I have applied to attend and I am now waiting to get their answer. Spain is my first choice followed by Sydney then Honolulu. I do know that there are two other couples from my KH that plan to attend one in Spain also. I have made it a matter of prayer to Jehovah. I really do want to go.

    I need to find myself a Spanish Dub Lover, but unfortunately this is best done in Spain, so I've started praying about it, in the hopes that someone upstairs will understand. God is Love, after all!

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