Dub Memories Part 3
At some point in my early teens, the complex social network in my Congregation began to become fully apparent to me. Thats just a fancy way of saying that I was now capable of understanding a little bit more about the emotions of people around me. This, more than anything else, is what helped me to finally understand the true nature of the Organization. Let me explain in more detail:
Vicious Elders dont just happen. There are reasons for their disposition and behaviour.
One of the Ministerial Servants in my Congregation, a Bethelite, was ordained to Elder status shortly before I left the Watchtower for good. This coincided neatly with my final DA hearing, which was held at my parents home. He was the second of the two Elders who came to interrogate (a harsh word, but justified in this instance) me as to why I had decided to leave.
Theyd probably known it was going to happen for a while. Strangely, several people who knew me later told me that they had been expecting it. Funny enough, I was, as usual, the last person to know about my own decision to Disassociate.
That decision was not made over a long period of time it was made over a very short period of time, a few minutes in fact. Its one of the fastest decisions I ever made, and also one of the most profound, which in itself is strange.
To get back to the tale of this Elder, he was a very gentle guy. Unfortunately, he was not exactly admired by any of the Sisters in the Congregation, for reasons that are slowly becoming clear to me now; thanks to information Ive received from another former Witness who still knows him.
He was definitely of marriageable age well over 40, Ministerial Servant going on Elder. Perfect Sister bait, in the opinion of the other Elders, but nobody could quite understand why some Sister in good standing didnt snap him up.
In retrospect, it all seems so clear. The Sisters simply didnt like the poor chap, for reasons unknown but they werent about to say so, especially not when word might get around and they found themselves on his Judicial Committee. Oh no! So they just stuck to the party line, and once at a Book Study, I even heard a group of Sisters talking about him, and saying that hed make such a good husband, a loving man, and it was sickening to me, because I could feel the undercurrents to their conversation, a sheered revulsion for this man.
My memory only truly began to function properly after I turned 16, and it began to function unerringly shortly thereafter. Perhaps it was my personal transformation into a horrible Apostate (Personal Assistant to the Spawn of Lucifer the Cloven Hooved One, I believe) that helped me out. Perhaps it was the fact that I had realized I could not be a Jehovahs Witness for the rest of my life.
Internally, I was seething. Life was holding out a fistful of jewels, but the Elders had denied me all of them. At least, that was what it felt like to me.One of the scariest things in my entire existence was the fact that the end of my High School career was approaching like a speeding bullet train, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Sometimes, I find myself stopping to think about that other Me, the one that went to Bethel at the end of High School and never decided to leave the Organization, the one who didnt dye his brown hair blonde, the one who didnt fool around with girls repeatedly, the one who did his Watchtower Study every Sunday like a good little Dub.
Id tell him how amazing life is for me right now, how incredibly exciting and scary it is, what Ive done, what Im planning on doing, the people I know.
Id ask him if he still fears Armageddon, if he still kisses the Elders haughty arses, if hes enjoying wasting his life away in the forced labour camp cum hostel that is the Krugersdorp Bethel.
Sitting here, staring at my monitor, listening to music, its slowly beginning to dawn on me just how far Ive come. Today, I question everything people often call me cynical or pessimistic, but really, all I want is the bottom line, the cause, the TRUTH Ive been duped once, and Im trying my hardest not to have that happen to me again.
During my years out of the Organization, Ive managed to accumulate a number of true friends, people who dont care how much Field Service I do or whether my meeting attendance is regular or whether Im in their clique. Its a refreshing change from Friendship, Tower Style . These friends of mine are truly close to my heart, and I wouldnt give them away for anything. In turn, theyve taught me how to be a true friend, too. Initially I was a very judgemental person after leaving the Organization, but Ive since learnt to appreciate the differences between people and not to criticize them for their choices.
Generally, its been a journey of self, a reawakening to who I truly am, to that little boy who was lost so many years ago, mind caught up in the steel clutches of the Borg.
Looking back on my Dub existence is a scary thing it actually frightens me to my very core. Those people are so shallow to me now they are basically a hive-mind, and Im surprised I didnt leave sooner.
It all happened so suddenly that it was almost breathtaking. That entire day, the fear I felt then, is burnt into my mind at a fundamental level. Turning points in ones life are seldom painless. Before the Sunday when it all ended, I had been tossing and turning in my bed on a Saturday night, feeling true fear, and a sense of exhilaration and freedom I had never known existed I was leaving!
Making the decision was the hardest part of all I literally sat in the back of my parents car, a car I still drive around today, a car filled with memories, a car that was the place I made the final, absolute decision to stop being a Jehovahs Witness. Immediately after the Field Service arrangement, my mom drove us to the shops to go and get some milk and bread, and it was right then that I reached the breaking point it was now or never. My stomach literally felt sick, and I just lay in the back of the car. My mom knew something was afoot she fussed over me in that way I love, stroking my forehead, and I just said I had a headache. Little did she know that I was making a life-changing decision on the backseat of her car.
When we got home, I felt it would be best if I made a clean break, so I sat my parents down and explained to them that I no longer wanted to be a Witness. My mom began to cry, and my Dad held her and didnt look particularly pleased himself. They asked me all the usual questions, why did you do this to us, were we bad parents, did we do something wrong, but I told them over and over again that it was not their fault and that I was doing this on my own.
Strangely enough, they remained calm during the entire episode! Later on, my Mom asked me why I ever got baptized, and I told her that I did it entirely to please her and my father. She then said that shed had a feeling that was what was going on, but had never brought it up.
That Tuesday night my parents went to the meeting, and had what would obviously have been a quite heated conversation with the Elders. Im so glad I wasnt there, and I feel bad that I put them through all of this in the first place, but I did what I had to do
In part 4, Ill give you some juicy details from my last meeting ever, with any Jehovahs Witness of any sort. That one is going to be a doozy!
Thank you for reading this!
PS. Please excuse the excessive spacing betwixt paragraphs, the Word->HTML->RichText conversation did NOT go well