Chaos spread across much of North America last week at news that Pauline Phillips, author of the Dear Abby advice column was suffering from Alzheimers disease. Pauline Phillips began writing the column in 1955, after her sister who wrote as Ann Landers began writing for the Chicago Sun.
While spokesmen for the aging advice columnist insisted that Mrs Phillips was in fine physical condition and in good spirits, the growing buzz in newspaper circles is that all is not well in the advice empire.
Dear Abby raised eyebrows several months ago when she advised a single mother coping with feelings of loneliness and self doubt to "Go with the flow, its all circular. Dont dwell in the past. Make sure you dont drink the tea. The yellow tea, stay away from the yellow tea."
That followed a full page article imploring Americans across the country to bury all their ice cream, a task that Mrs Phillips called The great work of our generation, the event that will define the new millennium. The 20th century had the 2 world wars, and we have the Ice Cream burying of 2002. The line must be drawn here, in chocolate swirls and strawberry sprinkles.
While spokesmen and newspaper editors have scrambled to keep up with some of the bizarre statements and advice offered by the aging icon, average people have been left in the lurch.
"Where will I go to for advice??" Justine Rennolds whined to reporters, "my parents, my priest??? I might as well just shoot myself right now." Danny Phillips also expressed regret and fear when hearing of the news. "Its like someone told me God has a screw loose, you know??" he painfully whispered, " what am I going to do?? I have a huge party next month and Im not sure if I should invite my brother or not. Abby always helped out with these problems. I guess Ill just invite him and see what happens, but Im hiding all the knives."
Responding to the uproar in the nation, President Bush released a statement yesterday afternoon which stated, "We here at the White House as in all houses in America, white or otherwise, are saddened to hear of the terrible affliction invading and corrupting Mrs Phillips mind. We urge all Americans to stay calm, and utilize the services of many alternative advice columns in the nation, some of which being Ask Amy, Tell Tina, and Questions for Quanisha. We hope that Mrs Phillips has a full and speedy recovery, and urge her to please stop phoning the White House immediately."
Calls to Mrs Phillips publicists were not immediately returned, although newspaper sources speak of an expose on the dangers of wooden teeth in future columns.
Edited by - Naeblis on 9 August 2002 1:49:0
Edited by - Naeblis on 9 August 2002 1:50:23