I'm sure having to be patient
with myself these dayz.
Even when i'm making leaps & bounds of progress....
this whole "healing" thing
just feels too long, slow and arduous at times.
When i say "healing" i don't mean it in a "victim" sense...
i just mean it in the sense that i feel somewhat stunted socially,
by having lived a fairly one-track/ unbalanced life for so long.
i know i can do it
(integrate socially/ rebuild my life) this time with balance
and for the most part
this "journey" in and of itself is enjoyable...
complete with it's challengez.
sometimes i do get a little
at those times i play a trick on
myself to bring my expectations
of myself back down to size.
to manageable portions.
i assign myself an "age".
i remind myself i've only been
de-similated (officially) for 1.25 years.
i take a look at how far i've come
rather than how far i've still got to go.
i've come a long way, baby.
when i first left i felt, well,
in a stat that really defies
i guess i felt like an
infant in a way (an orphan at that lol)
it was all i could do just to
walk & talk at first.
the world was enormous &
i wasn't sure what to make of it all.
for a while i was a terrible twogetting into all sorts of twubble
at full tilt on newfound yet shaky
didn't take all that long and
i was walkin' & talkin' and
questionin' why, why, why.
yep, i was already 3 or 4.
and at that point i could
play and read and express
myself a bit.
i stayed at that inquisitive/playful
age for a while and just allowed myself
that time to be "little".
it can be a stubborn age too can it not?
i would dig my heels in
to insist on my time to be a "kid"
i even remember telling an insightful someone once,
"well i may be 29 on the outside, but I'm really just
"this many" (and held up four fingers*) right now."
then came the day i
okay, so maybe its more
like all the years of school
(and guidance counsellors to boot!)
but i'm takin' it @ my own pace.
& now, now i'm oh, about 10 or 12 years young
and getting better all the time at social interaction
though i'm still a little shy & introverted.
(maybe even a little self-involved).
looming ahead are the teen years
ACK! this feels like such a crucial time.
i don't wanna grow up.i wanna be a woman-child forever.
ok, now my little "age trick" has gone &
scared the hell outta me. LOL.
that oughta cure my impatience a bit.
i think i'll enjoy 10-12 for a while longer.