a trick i play

by SPAZnik 4 Replies latest watchtower medical

  • SPAZnik

    I'm sure having to be patient
    with myself these dayz.

    Even when i'm making leaps & bounds of progress....
    this whole "healing" thing
    just feels too long, slow and arduous at times.

    When i say "healing" i don't mean it in a "victim" sense...
    i just mean it in the sense that i feel somewhat stunted socially,
    by having lived a fairly one-track/ unbalanced life for so long.

    i know i can do it
    (integrate socially/ rebuild my life) this time with balance
    and for the most part
    this "journey" in and of itself is enjoyable...
    complete with it's challengez.

    sometimes i do get a little
    overwhelmed,,,impatient feeling.
    at those times i play a trick on
    to bring my expectations
    of myself back down to size.
    to manageable portions.

    i assign myself an "age".

    i remind myself i've only been
    de-similated (officially) for 1.25 years.

    i take a look at how far i've come
    rather than how far i've still got to go.

    i've come a long way, baby.


    when i first left i felt, well,
    in a stat that really defies

    i guess i felt like an
    infant in a way (an orphan at that lol)

    it was all i could do just to
    walk & talk at first.

    the world was enormous &
    i wasn't sure what to make of it all.

    for a while i was a terrible twogetting into all sorts of twubble
    at full tilt on newfound yet shaky

    didn't take all that long and
    i was walkin' & talkin' and
    questionin' why, why, why.

    yep, i was already 3 or 4.
    and at that point i could
    play and read and express
    myself a bit.

    i stayed at that inquisitive/playful
    age for a while and just allowed myself
    that time to be "little".
    it can be a stubborn age too can it not?
    i would dig my heels in
    to insist on my time to be a "kid"
    i even remember telling an insightful someone once,
    "well i may be 29 on the outside, but I'm really just
    "this many" (and held up four fingers*) right now."

    then came the day i
    found jw.com
    and voila!


    okay, so maybe its more
    like all the years of school
    (and guidance counsellors to boot!)
    but i'm takin' it @ my own pace.

    & now, now i'm oh, about 10 or 12 years young
    and getting better all the time at social interaction
    though i'm still a little shy & introverted.
    (maybe even a little self-involved).

    looming ahead are the teen years
    ACK! this feels like such a crucial time.
    i don't wanna grow up.i wanna be a woman-child forever.

    ok, now my little "age trick" has gone &
    scared the hell outta me. LOL.

    that oughta cure my impatience a bit.
    i think i'll enjoy 10-12 for a while longer.


  • Satanus

    Definitely good thoughts. I think you are going through the stages very quickly. For some of us, who have been in longer, from a younger age until an older age, it takes longer. I'm still cheering for you, though. Go as fast or as slow as you want. Some say that life isn't a destination, it's a journey. We can stop and smell the roses at the side, or play w the frogs.


  • SixofNine

    *swoon* Ah, SPAZ, baby, you make me feel young again.

    Nice bit of introspection, and a nice little trick. It does help.

  • kat7302

    wow - I wish I could think like you...thats all I can say

  • SPAZnik

    thx fer yer replies.

    Saint -
    Yes I would have to agree with you. It wuz tuff enuf leaving after nearly 30 years in. Hard to imagine people that were in for say double that time.

    Six -
    u alwayz render me speechless

    kat -
    hang in there...wherever yer at!


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