Introducing myself...& need advice...

by ShaunaC 7 Replies latest jw friends

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  ShaunaC

  Hi all! My name is Shauna and this is my first post here. In short, I am 26 years old and have been Df'd for a little over 2 years. I come from a strong and long JW heritage (6 generations). I won't bore you with the long story, but if you would like to know it, I posted on H20 a few weeks ago which Randy at Freeminds linked to his site. It is in the latest news under "the shunning of Shauna."

  Besides to say a proper hello, I am posting today to ask your advice. I have had a very strained relationship with my family since my departure from the organization. Typical, I know. My problem is compounded by the fact that I ended a marriage at the same time I left being a JW, I lived the ideal JW life (baptized at 12, pioneer at 16, married to a servant at 18, used a lot in assembly parts) so my leaving was quite a shock to everyone, and my father is the PO of the cong. I last attended. My dad feels he has to set the highest of example for the cong., so he is careful not to do anything that would be a stumbling block to even the most self-righteous, sensitive person. My mother...well we were once best friends, but she is a manipulative person (often teased for being the Jezebel woman in the cong.) and is intent on punishing me to the greatest degree she can. I have not seen or spoken to her since last August, nor am I real excited to.

  My dad wants me to come over to their house this week. They watch my younger sister's baby and want me to come visit. (That's another story...wasn't allowed to come to the hospital when he was born, sister wouldn't accept gifts from me and wouldn't let me see him till he was a month old. He's almost 2 and I've seen him maybe 5 times.)

  Anyway...I get a lot of advice on how to deal with my family. Many encourage me to fake it, say I'm still figuring things out, giving them the impression that I still think it might be "the truth" and may come back. But this seems so ridiculous to me! One of the main reasons Witnesses shun is to shock, guilt and persecute them back. Don't you think it would be better to spell it out that you will never come back so their shunning is pointless?

  My question over this comes from a conversation with my mother's sister who left about 15 years ago. She was Df'd but was reinstated and then quietly slipped away. My grandmother still enforced shunning, although albeit much milder than I receive, until years later my aunt finally told her the absolute truth...that she didn't belive it was the truth, that there was no Armageddon, that she didn't even believe in God anymore. It was at that point my grandmother stopped having hope of her return and just dealt with her simply as her daughter. Of course, they are not as close as they could be if both JW's, but she says there is an obvious difference. Yet, I don't even think my aunt knows for sure if it was coming clean about her true feelings or if it was just the passage of time that made the difference.

  I am fine with not having this conversation yet with my parents but feel at some point I will have to. I don't want to fake who I am now and don't think I have to feel the least bit guilty of the life I'm now enjoying and the path of understanding I'm on. Until they see how happy I am in my new life and know from my own mouth that I will NEVER, EVER come back, I think they will continue to use the shunning as a tactic to get me back. I know having this talk will make things worse for a while but think it would be advantageous in the long run.

  So...what do you think? Should I have this kind of conversation with my parents? If so, how do I proceed? What should I say to let them know definitely that I don't agree with it anymore but not say anything to make things worse?

  I'm moved to ask these things today because of my impending meeting with them. When I see them I will be telling them that I am moving away to a new town. More than that, I'm moving in with my boyfriend. I'm somewhat hoping that I just get the look of disgust. But if a lecture starts coming, I don't think I will be able to hold my tongue. I'm going to stick up for myself and what I believe is right for me. But I can easily be swayed by emotions, so I want to have my thoughts on how to handle this ahead of time so I don't end up saying things that would cause even more problems.

  One more thing, it has been suggested to me that maybe the right thing to do is limit contact with them as much as possible. That's not a hard thing to do since they have never initiated contact with me in the past 2 1/2 years until my dad did recently. If it's not a good idea to have "the talk", I also am tired of having such a fake reltionship with them, not able to talk about anything in my life...so would you advise just leaving them alone until they finally come to terms with it and take the initiative to contact me? If I can't be open & honest then the onery person in me would rather just walk away and wait for them to come beg to talk to me. I'm tired of the other way around! Yet, I don't want them to be able to use that against me. And I know they would, especially my mother.

  I just hate that they still hold all the cards. I need to have some real control over this issue and feel good about it. Any suggestions and personal experiences would be very much appreciated!

  Sorry to be so long. Thanks for listening. And hi!

  Shauna

  P.S.
  LDH, I promise to try and call you this week. Maybe we could get together for lunch.
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  unanswered

  hi, shauna-welcome to the board. your post brought up a lot of emotions for me because of the similarities in our situations. i'm 27, my dad's an elder, i left during a failed marriage, one of my sisters shuns me, things with my parents are now strained, etc.

  as far as your question, i did have that conversation with my parents fairly recently. it took time to get to that point because i didn't want to make things worse, but finally i decided that i had to. one good thing it did accomplish was making my parents realize that i wasn't going to be a witness because of my beliefs, not because i just wanted an excuse to do whatever i wanted to do. they now respect me for that even though they think i'm wrong.

  it is tricky to defend your stand without picking on the jw beliefs, and since your parents sound like staunch jws that will probably upset them. i tried to keep my love for them as parents in the forefront so that they would know i wasn't trying to hurt them. it worked so-so. they also had to deal with me living with my girlfriend who i am now married to, so there was no way to make it easy.

  i think if you are going to have the big discussion with them, you have to be ready for the fact that it may very well go badly. you have to decide how important it is to you. for me, i decided that i would rather have no relationship with my parents than one based on faking it for them(which i did for a long time).

  i'm not sure if this will help or not, but since our situations seem similar, i had to comment. i hope everything works out for you. not everything has worked out exactly like i wanted for me, but this board and all the support here from people with stories i can identify with has helped me a lot.good luck-nate
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  LDH

  Shauna, I almost NEVER check my celly for messages, but it's usually on me...
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  ShaunaC

  Nate,

  Thank you for your reply. We seem to be on the same wavelength and I appreciate that.

  I somewhat began this process last May when I wrote my parents a letter. I tried to explain to them that I appreciated how I was raised but that I didn't agree with it and didn't want to live it any more. They focused more on what it meant for them than what I was saying about the organization and/or God. At that time I had not yet found the internet or read COC, so I didn't say too much about reasons why I didn't believe things or even that I didn't think it was the truth. Those 2 factors I think causes them to proceed with the treatment.

  I am prepared, and have been preparing myself since that letter, to live indefinitely without them. I have only spoken to my mother that one time in August since that letter. So I'm already well on the road to moving on parentless. At this point it means more to me to feel good about who I am and not be afraid to show who I am to anyone.

  I did want to ask you how you had the talk. Was it something that just naturally came up or did you have to actually prepare for it and make an appointment to do it?

  Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience. It does help. And by the way, CONGRATS on the marriage. I wish you much happiness!

  Shauna
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  ozziepost

  G’day Shauna, and welcome to this friendly place.

  Mrs Ozzie and I were very interested in your previous post on H2O and are pleased you have been able to keep us up-to-date with what’s happening with you.

  It may not be of much help to you to know that there are thousands in similar circumstances. Each one is a little different so it’s very hard to give cut and dried answers to people in these situations.

  It seems that all in your family feel stress or a little disoriented. Your father probably thinks that as the P.O. he may face the criticism of his fellow elders because his daughter has “strayed”. In fact, he could be disqualified in these circumstances if he were on some bodies I know!

  It seems to us you have no need to act any differently towards your family, nor to limit your association with them. They are your family, no matter what. The way they have acted is unnatural, influenced by the strict mind-control of a cult. At the same time, as Raymond Franz put it in one of his books, they are all “victims of victims”. So show your usual self to them. If they reject that, then that’s on their head, but you will have done nothing wrong. When they are much older, how much they would miss having their daughter’s companionship, and perhaps their grandchildren too.

  It’ s not essential that you express your beliefs to them. They probably won’t listen anyway! But seeing that you have a happy life will do much to re-assure them. You must realise though that telling them that you plan to move away from the area and live with your boyfriend is not likely to “win” them. Even non-Witness parents would be concerned at that news. The Witnesses believe that anyone leaving “the truth” becomes “worldly” i.e. sinful etc. You need to be able to show that your life is better from living true to your beliefs. Is it?

  In your previous post you mentioned that your marriage had broken up. This must have been very traumatic for you. Are you sure that a new relationship should start this way? Yes, this may sound moralistic, but I hope practical.

  You said previously that you read Crisis of Conscience last summer. Why not read the second book “In Search of Christian Freedom” which will clarify many of the doctrinal distortions you formally had. It will help you to be deprogrammed.

  Finally, remember that you do have a Father who will never turn you away. He’s not found in a Kingdom Hall, and you don’t have to gain access to Him through the elders. King David knew that, and even after his sinning he cried out to Jehovah. His Psalms written at that time are beautiful entreaties to God. He knew that God was always there for him. So He is for you too.

  Good luck and God Bless,

  Ozziepost
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  Simon

  Hi ShaunaC
  My mother has stopped speaking to us as well and we no longer get invited to any family get-togethers. It was hard at first but, and this may seem unkind, I don't really miss them.
  Our family should be friends that we've known for the longest time and are closest to but if they decide to throw it away then we have to move on.
  If not talking to my mother is the price to pay for my kids being brought up in a normal, happy way then I'm happy to pay that price.
  The one thing that does annoy me is that even after all the hurt that the society causes families, people still come out with the cliche "but it's still the best way of life and way to bring up children"
  Also, we don't know what the future holds. I know people who have left and been shunned by their families but they have eventually come round and also been helped to leave. Hang in there - you may help you mother to leave to eventually.
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  unanswered

  shauna-sounds like you've already done a lot of the setup so that your parents won't be totally shocked by a new conversation, that should help a lot. more importantly, you've prepared yourself for any outcome. you asked how i brought up the conversation-part of what made it happen is the fact that my mother and i have always been very close. this is what makes this whole situation hard for her. so my mother and i are used to talking about things in a reasonable way, even though we don't see each other as much any more. our conversation did sort of come up naturally and this helped because she felt more comfortable interjecting her own views. i didn't plan a time to talk about it, i just waited for the right time to come up. my father is very hardcore and him and i have never really gotten along that well, so it was easier to talk to my mother and let her tell my father because he listens to her, and usually just gets mad when i bring things up. in my family it was the best way to make my point without it being ignored.

  so that's the answer to your question, although, as you can see, it's not a great one.
  
  thanks for the congrats-my wife posts once in a while under the name rileygurl in case you ever see her on the board.

  p.s.-frenchy's view on this might be of some help,as i said i think keeping your love for your parents in the conversation can sometimes grease the gears, and his posts always show a lot of love and human compassion. hopefully he will respond. sorry to put you under the gun, frenchy:)
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  DevilsAdvocate_DA

  ShanaC,

  Your parents, family and friends are just flesh and blood with a little bone throw in, just like any other person on this planet.

  I personally am a active Jehovah's Witness for better then 45 year. To me I do not divide my fellow flesh and blood, be the Hindu, Shintu, Jews, ex-Jehovah's Witness(I do't like this work), etc, etc. into seperate systems. They are just people. I know that down deep in their hearts the love me just as much as I love them. I WILL NOT let an organizaton divide me from them. As I have said over on H20 many a time, the WBTS have done a great wrong with the disfellowship issure starting about 20-25 years ago. Like UKnow, an active Jehovah's Witness, said in his last post on H20, and I agree, the WTBS will have to answer for their behavior in time. I am looking forward to seeing Theodore Jaracz get his *ss make nice and red. I am judging his actions in saying he is a wicked man. But please forgive me for judging at all, for that is Jesus Christ job the last I knew.

  People are people, they are only doing what they have to do to survive in this life that has been dealt them.

  What I am saying, or trying to say is, LOOK AT PEOPLE FOR WHOM THE ARE not what their religion they may be.

  If you can do this, your heart will be at peace with you, in turn you will be a peace with your fellowman.

  ShanaC, not wanting to sound preachy. But I would like to say that there are four dividers of the human family that the Devil has developed very nicely, and humans have fallen for them, including my self at times. They are in this order, age, religion, politics, race. Think about it, if you would like.

  Welcome. You will like the forum and the people here.

  DA