Perfectionism is it controlling pain?

by Imbue 5 Replies latest watchtower medical

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  Imbue

  I'm posting this writing exercise in response to Dana's thread on self esteem.

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=31816&site=3

  I have asked myself if perfectionism was a way for me to control criticism which is a source of pain.

  Perfectionism is it controlling pain?

  Perfectionism is driven by the belief that if a person's behavior is perfect there will be no reason to be criticized and therefore no more causes of pain. However, perfectionism is a shame-based phenomenon because children learn that no matter what they do, it's not good enough. As a result, In their struggle to avoid pain, they constantly excel, to be the best.

  Highly perfectionistic people are usually raised in a ridged environment. The rigidity may be in the form of unrealistic expectations that parents have for their children and for themselves. Also rigidity may be expressed as children feel the need to do things "right" in order to gain approval form their parents and lessen fears of rejection. Children perceive doing things "right" to mean there is no room for mistakes.

  I've observed many ridged JWs parents in the congregations. The WT's social system seems to create or at least attract such families. It would break my heart to see parents correct their childrens answers to questions. When parents criticize their children and especially in public its painful for the children. Thus, they might become perfectionistic to avoid the pain of criticism. This type of criticism is an unhealthy shaming practice of many families. It seems to be common among JW families.

  Perfectionist can never measure up because they always compare themselves with others. This inevitably leads to feeling lesser for the comparison. Its the primary way that people continue to create more shame for themselves. They continue to do to themselves from within what's been done form the outside. I have found that when comparing myself I always lose. Since comparison always results with my having a superior or lesser concept of self.

  As an adult I've identified those areas where I once strived so hard for recognition, attention, and approval. I've come to understand that the lack of acceptance I felt is not about my self worth, but was a residue from those who judged and sought power over me by threatening to reject me. After I worked on my family issues it was apparent as to why I was attracted to the rigid and perfectionistic JW lifestyle. Our striving for recognition, attention and approval is a part of normal thought processes we all experience. However, the manner in which the WT criticizes the "flock" is an unhealthy shaming practice. This has brought about a level of perfectionism that is grossly unhealthy. At every meeting the JWs are continually reminded that all their striving for approval, recognition and attention is never good enough. I came to realize it was a comfortable environment for me because of my rigid Catholic upbringing. It was only when I became healthier with regard to my family issues that I could see the parallels of this reality.

  Ive been asking myself if perfectionism was a way for me to control criticism, which is a source of pain. If I created a seemingly perfect life then noone could criticize me anymore. Since, criticism is a way of life for my family this may have been a real underlying objective of mine.

  So it really doesnt help me when those raised in the troof criticize me for having been converted. You know who you are... LOL...

  Edited by - Imbue on 10 July 2002 22:59:10
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  JanH

  This is a very good article, Imbue.
  
  When I left the JWs I realized to what degree guilt is the power behind people committing to the organisation. Especially sexual "sins" cause people to be very guilty all the time, and they are told that the way to solve their problems is more field service, going to all the meetings, etc, etc. Of course, it is never enough. You use 20 hours a month preaching? You should be an aux pioneer. You are an aux. pio? You should be a pioneer! You already are? Serve where the need is great! Bethel! Become a CO! Etc etc etc.
  
  Of course, each step you climb gives a temporary relief in the feeling of guilt. But, of course, there is always the catch: the WTS has promised "Jehovah's blessing" to people like pioneers. If asked at a Convention, all pioneers tell how blessed they are. But inside they know they are not, and they are filled with guilt over it. They are convinced they don't do enough still.
  
  It also struck me early that this is the perfect mechanism to propagate the most pitiful beings through to the top of the organisation: people who have no self esteeem except what that can get from stepping on others, who have serious issues that causes exceptional guilt (e.g. sexual child abuse?), and who never can do enough. We know that the top leadership is taken from the ranks of people who committed endless hours to the "service."

  What do you expect from an organisation promoting the most dysfunctional to the top, continuously?

  __________________
  - Jan
  --
  "The study of theology, as it stands in Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on nothing; it proceeds by no authorities; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing and admits of no conclusion." -- Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason

  Edited by - JanH on 11 July 2002 8:8:34
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  zenpunk

  Wow - I think you're completely right here. Well stated.
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  outnfree

  Excellent post, Imbue!

  As a fellow convert I, too, wonder if the desire to be "perfect" or "good" was what ultimately lured me into the organization. I had a problem in that I disbelieved the trinity doctrine, and was actually relieved to find a 'Christian' religion where I could disbelieve and still be a member (let alone a 'member in good standing').

  Being a woman, I didn't have the pressure to 'advance' that a brother would. As a woman married to an unbeliever, as long as I usually got near to my 10 hours of service, held a family study with my kids, prepared for meetings, and occasionally auxiliary pioneered, I was looked upon with favor by the elder body and visiting COs.

  It is comforting to know exactly what is expected of one in order to be considered a "good Witness", and thus, a "good Person." The problem arises when one is constantly pressured to do "even more." There came a point in time when CO visits, Service Meetings, Special and Circuit Assemblies and District Conventions were no longer encouraging at all, but patently DIScouraging. I was NEVER going to be able to Pioneer myself if I wanted to keep my marriage intact. My children were NEVER going to be the 'Pioneer Poster Children" paraded out on stage at each meeting. The other Witnesses I knew were SELDOM manifesting Christian love as a dominant quality. And I was fairly certain I would NOT lay down my life for a certain Sister L if we were persecuted for our faith. I would just as likely TURN HER IN and good riddance! I remember crying at a CO's talk entitled "Elijah was a Man like You and Me" which was supposed to make us feel better about being discouraged at times, but only made me feel worthless about my "limited" service!

  I still think wanting to be thought of as "good" motivates a LOT of my activities. Difference is, I now am able to decide just WHAT it is *I* want to be good at and good for. And I am waaaaaay more philosophical if I sometimes "fall short"!

  out
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  Perfection Seeker

  HI! I came up with this name PERFECTION SEEKER as a "NOT" type of name. When I was a witness, EVERYTHING had to be perfect, me, my speech, my attitude, my dress, my thoughts- it was enough to send ANYONE to a looney bin! Now, I try to be MY best, not PERFECT, or according to anyone else's standards, but be true to myself, and my standards. Trying to attain perfection is a losing battle, and it sucks!
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  Imbue

  Jan: I agree there are healthy and unhealthy levels of shame and guilt. When those who influence us use it to control our lives it's very damaging. This would be the so whether it's our families or a religious org. It's usually both and they are intertwined.

  As we have discussed before, I believe it's necessary for us to separate what is actually the orgs shame-based (guilt tripping) and which is our families in order to heal. If we only focus on the damage the org has done to us then we will never identify and work though our family issues. Self examination is necessary to recover form our childhood and organizational issues. If we blame the org for all of our difficulties then we will miss the opportunity for recovery. Certainly all of us have family issues that would have been present no matter which religious org. we were raised in or came to join.

  zenpunk...hmm..you know where this comes from our private conversations.

  Outnfree

  I remember crying at a CO's talk entitled "Elijah was a Man like You and Me" which was supposed to make us feel better about being discouraged at times, but only made me feel worthless about my "limited" service!
  

  I appreciate all of your post but this is certainly something many of us can understand. Since our service was never enough in time or quality. These shame-based talks were too much to bare anymore.

  Perfectionseeker says:

  Trying to attain perfection is a losing battle, and it sucks!
  

  It defiantly does because we always lose when trying to attain perfection, which is allusive. Since, we all know that noone is perfect it is an attempt to elevate ourselves above others. Which, inevitably leads to comparing ourselves to others and thinking we are superior or lesser. This mentality always leads to low self esteem which is why I thought of it when reading Dana's thread. Also, perfectionism creates a separation between us and other people.

  Making connections with people is my life is my mission. Even though, I find it difficult sometimes since I really love being alone as much as possible.

  Sorry it took so long to respond I didn't have time the following day. Then, I forgot about this thread. Thanks for the thoughtful responses.
  
  

  Edited by - Imbue on 17 July 2002 1:10:15