After 2 years my parents make contact. The end result is that I promise them to cryogenically preserve ONLY their heads

by paulmolark 90 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  GrreatTeacher

  They call them the Dark Triad of personality disorders: psychopathy, narcissism and borderline personality disorder.

  My mother was likely borderline and there were lots of narcissistic traits, too. The rage was incredible. She could rage for hours, for whole days. My sister and I would huddle together at night while my mother and father screamed.

  She could turn it off like a faucet, though, if the phone rang. She would be so sweet.

  One event I remember unfolded when I was about 13. My best friend, who I was lucky enough to attend school with, had an unbelieving father. My mother always talked bad about him and how terrible unbelieving fathers were. So, I told my friend and after she continued saying these things and I continued telling my friend, my friend decided to tell her mother.

  Well, I'm sure you can understand how happy her mother was to hear that her husband was a terrible father, so she called my mother out on it. She literally called the house and confronted my mother and my mother denied it, sobbing and crying. Well, my mother was not used to getting called out on her bad behavior, so as soon as the phone was hung up, she called for me and hit me so hard upside the head I saw stars. Of course she screamed at me how terrible I was and how much of a liar I was. It was quite an ugly scene.

  The thing is, in her head, she never said those bad things. She was only commenting on the father's lack of faith and not saying he was a bad father. She is so freaking borderline or narcissistic or psychopathic that she lies to herself and believes her own lies!

  That's why these parents are extremely damaging to their children. They get their children to doubt their own reality. This is known as gaslighting. And it's beyond frustrating to a child who has no power. Because for the other half of the time, she's nice and she constantly compliments herself on her choice of career which was being a stay at home mom. So, mom ends up not being safe, physically and emotionally. And, that is job one for parents.

  So, paul, I'm not going to fault you for standing up to your bullying mother. These people are used to getting away with their crap, so calling them on their abusive behavior is pretty damn important in my book.
• 

  paulmolark

  The similarities are so scary it is ridiculous. The ability to turn it On and off seems to be the common thread in these situations.

  I would tell people how she was and they would swear up and down that I was the one with a problem
• 

  GrreatTeacher

  I think on some level they know that they have issues. So they like to surround themselves with people that tell them how wonderful they are. They're like good mirrors.

  Then, when you call them out on their bad behavior, you become the bad mirror, reflecting back to them their own brokenness. And they can't stand it and they lash out.

  Eventually, I used her religion against her. I told the elders, excepting my father because I was tattling on him, the way my parents fought violently with each other and so they relieved my father of his position. My mother lost status in the congregation because her husband wasn't an elder anymore.

  So many memories. She once tied me up for some reason or another. My father came home from work and was livid when he found me tied to one of the kitchen chairs. She used my own jumprope. I was about 7.

  She had one of her rage attacks and I ran away after being screamed at for hours and hours. This enraged her even more, so she drove the car after me and yanked me into the car off the side of the road, ripping my clothes in the process. I was maybe 12. She couldn't stand not being in control.

  I locked myself in my room once and pushed the furniture up against the door. This enraged both of my parents. So, they took the door off the hinges. I jumped out the window and tried to run away. I didn't even get out of the yard when my father knocked me down to the ground. I screamed for help and he stuffed grass down my throat so the neighbors couldn't hear. I was about 14.

  My mother could no longer physically manhandle me, so my father took over. He was whacking me once when I was about 17. We were downstairs and I physically drug him upstairs trying to get away from him. He finally ended up slamming me against the kitchen counter repeatedly when I got away. I had a car by then and before I drove away, I told him if he ever touched me again I would call the police. The violence stopped then.

  And, they wondered why I left as soon as I could at age 19.

  But, boy, all sweetness and light at the meetings!
• 

  paulmolark

  I am so sorry. Wow
• 

  hoser

  @greatteacher

  That's why these parents are extremely damaging to their children. They get their children to doubt their own reality. This is known as gaslighting. And it's beyond frustrating to a child who has no power.

  
  

  This is one of the reasons I'm so fucked up in the head
• 

  GrreatTeacher

  Yeah, because there were times my mother could be wonderful. We took many wonderful vacations. When we were small, we were like props to her play.

  When we became teenagers and she couldnt control us any more she got nastier. She told us she didn't like teenagers. Well, developmentally, teenagers start to separate from their parents and, as a narcissist, my mom thought every person in her life is there for her benefit.

  So, the act of growing up felt like a betrayal to her. And she treated us resentfully, trying to keep every last piece of control she could. She actually denied me a razor when I started growing hair under my arms. Because she wasn't ready for it.

  Oh, the crazy, so much crazy!
• 

  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  Religion is her chosen method of abuse. And the judgmentalism and hypocrisy of the cult makes it particularly useful to abusers.
  

  Despite the fact that you were given the wonderful promise 2 1/2 years ago that you would be left alone, she had to come barging into your life with a hateful rant to trample the peace and prosperity that was blossoming in the absence of her and the crazy JW religion.

  Yes that was evil, but I just do not really care anymore.

  Then call me "evil", too. If she promised not to call, but then makes a bat$hit crazy call like that, she deserves whatever she gets.

  As a fader, my family and circumstances are MASSIVELY different from yours. I understand and respect the efforts you made to try to fade, but your choice to DA is even more understandable and respectable. Cut that gangrene out of your life. While my mom can be somewhat controlling, I can't begin to imagine what life would have been like with such a toxic and abusive maternal unit. I say, "Three cheers to you for getting on with a successful life and family of your own!"

  And as far as that call, the only reason it came is because you are doing everything RIGHT, and that drives your maternal unit and the JWs bat$hit crazy!
  
• 

  paulmolark

  "Three cheers to you for getting on with a successful life and family of your own!"

  that is the goal. It takes a lot to try and get out regardless of the path be it da or did or fading. Each path requires courage but hopefully the end results are always positive ones
• 

  GrreatTeacher

  Religion is my mother's drug of choice when she self-medicates the pain of her psychiatric condition that remains undiagnosed because she has convinced her doctor that she only has chronic depression.

  I'm sure this doctor has never heard the more sordid parts of my mother's story. I'm sure the doctor has no idea about the cult she's involved in either.

  I'm betting on borderline personality disorder combined with features of narcicism. Also, possibly bipolar disorder because when patients get manic, one of the symptoms can be hyperreligiosity.

  But, no, no, she has taken care of her mental health issues by seeing a psychiatrist who has diagnosed her simply with depression. So, she's all good, thank you. But, more importantly, let's talk to you daughter about your serious bipolar disorder diagnosis and all the medication you have to take to stay healthy. Such a shame, but it runs in the family, you know.

  Notice the complete lack of self blame for raising me in a toxic environment that likely set off whatever genetic predispisition I might have had. So, of course, there's no more work for her to do with a therapist because there's nothing wrong with her other than a touch of genetic depression.

  God only knows the omissions and lies and self-deceit involved in her doctor's visits.

  Frustrating because I've had to work very hard, for years for my sanity. And, I'm the one to be pitied?

  It's the smugness that drives me crazy. The attitude that Mom's got her life together, but daughter doesn't. Infuriating.

  Sorry to take over the thread, Paul. It just brings up so many bad memories of similar bad behavior on the part of my mother, with the religion enabling them.

  I just know that I wont tolerate bad behavior from her anymore, and I'm glad that you're not, either.
• 

  Oubliette

  GreatTeacher: I think on some level they know that they have issues. So they like to surround themselves with people that tell them how wonderful they are. They're like good mirrors. Then, when you call them out on their bad behavior, you become the bad mirror, reflecting back to them their own brokenness. And they can't stand it and they lash out.

  Great point.

  Leaving the religion doesn't necessarily mean overcoming our "issues." In fact, there is no reason to believe that we would--without a great deal of careful introspection and hard work--overcome those issues. Even this it is hard slogging.
  

  People generally continue to act as they were raised. It's classic operant conditioning and behaviorism.