JWs and Down's Syndrome.. Responsible Parenting?

by Valis 9 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Valis

  Just curious...Anyone one else have experiences with JW friends or relatives who gave birth to children with Down's Syndrome? My sister has Down's Syndrome, she was born the year I left home. I often wonder how JWs justify bringing kids into the world when they know they will be unable to care for them all their lives. Is it the will of Jehovah that my sister has DS? No most certainly not, but a poorly reasoned descision to have a child after a recommended age, combined with the fanaticism of JWland, and an irrational belief that the child might not have the defect, mild or otherwise. I can still see the scene where my dad is right beside my mother and she's in labor and they are both praying to Jehovah....."Please let her not have Down's Syndrome.." This was even after the amniosyntesis? exam confirmed she definitely would. I love my sister very much, but many times I ask myself is it responsible to have kids after 40?Is it responsible to have a child w/serious mental or physical defect? Is it the responsible thing to bring a child into life when you know you won't be able to provide for them their entire life? I asked my parents what would happen to her when they die and they say they have arranged for her to live w/a JW family upon their passing Talk about blowing one's stack! The only advantage would be that tthe couple also hase a child w/Down's..but it would basically be a death sentence for our relationship. That's a bit off topic, but it all gets intertwined. It seems to me JWs do things like that with no forethought, just let Jehovah take care of it. I'm interested to know if there are others out there w/simmilar stories?

  Sincerely.

  District Overbeer
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  teenyuck

  Personally, I do not have kids. I think I am too old. I just turned 40 and I take meds for epilepsy. The meds have a 10% birth defect rate. I could have a child with spina bifida or cleft palet (sp?)(common with these meds). Now, being older, I could have that and a child that has Downs.

  I do not think it is responsible to have children at my age and with the meds I am on. Would I get an abortion if I found out I were pregnant? I don't know. Probably not. If I had the amnio and it showed something like Downs or spina bifida.....I don't know. I have not had to make this decision and I hope I never have to. What to do with a severely handicapped child is something I hope I never have to do.

  I can not judge someone for a decision they made regarding something like this. It is so personal. I hope you get to continue having a relationship with your sister.
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  Valis

  Puffs...I try my best, she's a sweetheart and in high school this year, which she is quite excited about....one of the sad things is she'll probably never be able to make a choice for herself about being a JW. Simply unfiar all around.

  Sincerely.

  District Overbeer
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  teenyuck

  Rather than edit, I have to correct, totally.

  I said

  I do not think it is responsible to have children at my age and with the meds I am on.

  Major screw up....I meant to type I do think it is irresponsible to have kids at my age and with my meds issue. I guess it is the same, however, as I read it, it sounded like I think it is ok. I don't-for myself.

  I am really sorry for your sister. At her age wanting to make mom and dad happy are numero uno. As most of us know.

  I hope you can stay in touch with her. Who knows, your parents might live to be 100! Look at how many "elderly" people are still around! 30 years ago, their life span was much shorter. With the healthly dub lifestyle, they very well could live for decades. I am guessing that your parents are in their 60's. I think my 63 year old mom will live to be 100....lots of her family have lived til well into their 90's.

  If you are in touch with them and her at all, you can provide alot of influence and perhaps help her out. Knowing she has someone to talk to and convide in could really help.
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  simplesally

  I don't think this is necessarily a JW thing, but a selfish thing on the part of many parents. I am 39 and I have a child that is one. People ask when I am going to have #2 and I say, "Never."

  They seem shocked. When I explain I have a perfect child, just wonderful, there couldn't be another baby more beautiful, so why should I mess with perfection. I have enough money for her college education, a 2 bedroom house, day care expenses, etc. It would not be economical to have another, especially if my financial situation took a downturn. And then, after 40 the chances of a DS kid go way up.

  Now, if I had a DS child, what would the effect be on my 1 year old to grow up always with a mentally retarded sibling. Facing facts means I'd have to teach her to tolerate other kids making fun of her and her sib. It would mean there is a good chance that in my daughters young adult-hood, she'd be left to care for her DS sibling, since people at 60 get cancer, heart attacks, etc.....even if I was 70 and I died, that means my daughter would be 30 and caring for another adult for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. I am willing to make decisions that effect my life. I am not willing to make those kinds of decisions for my baby.

  JW's do say "Jehovah willing" an awful lot, but worldly people say, "the Lord provides" or "God works in mysterious ways." People don't stop and think, they see movie stars having babies at 40 and don't realize they have gotten other eggs or in-vitro .... People think, "Oh an only child" or they think "I better have a baby, who cares if I am 45!"

  Ya gotta think past yourself and see the whole picture.
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  Scully

  I'm the eldest child in a large family. My youngest sibling is more than 20 years my junior, and was born when my parents were both in their 40s.

  Thank goodness she is OK, statistically speaking, the cards were really stacked against her.

  In a lot of ways, she has it better than my other siblings and I did. Our folks never seemed to be able to afford anything when I was her age; she got art lessons and dancing lessons and music lessons. Now their home is paid off, and my dad is retired. Both of our parents have more time to do stuff with her that they didn't have for the rest of us when we were her age. They've taken her on vacations to Florida - something they never were able to do with my other siblings and me.

  Funny thing is, she doesn't see how good she has it - she patted Mom's hand one time during the first couple of years she was in school - and remarked how the other kids' moms didn't have wrinkly hands.

  I think if I looked back on my records from work over the past 4 years that I've being doing Maternal-Newborn Care nursing, I'm sure the average age of my patients would be between 32 and 38. Twenty years ago, it would have been between 20 and 25.

  In a lot of ways, I think delaying parenthood is a good choice for a lot of people. By the time people reach their mid-30's, most have a pretty good idea of who they are, what they want to do with their lives and are in stable, committed relationships. They are established career-wise and have a measure of financial security. If they'd opted to have their children sooner, they would have sacrificed those things. And their children, during the early formative years, would have undergone the same financial hardships. Is it fair to you, your partner or your children, to start a family BEFORE you've got some groundwork in place, and impose sacrifices on them??

  Then again, is it fair to a child to have to answer questions about "do you live with your grandma?" or "your mom looks old... were you an accident?" from their friends at school?

  The really sad thing about JWs who've pioneered their youth away and didn't have children when the risks of pregnancy - both to mother and child - were minimal is that the expectations are SO HIGH for these kids. These are the kids that will have to look after aging Brother and Sister Pioneer because they figured out too late that there's no retirement plan for them for doing God's Work for 20 or 25 years, and that Armageddon may be coming "soon" but it's not "soon enough". These are also the kids that aren't going to have any education savings at all in order to have a decent post-secondary education that will allow them to provide for their aging parents. And they'll probably hear it from more than one source that they were the "reason" that mom & dad quit pioneering. There's a guilt trip to lay on a kid!

  Love, Scully
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  Prisca

  Considering that abortion is a no-no for JWs (and alot of non-JWs find it abhorent anyway) I think it is unfair to label JWs that have Down's Syndrome babies as irresponsible.

  Also, not all kids are planned. I wasn't.

  I was born to my parents when they were 44 and 43. Rather than saying that I was an "accident", my Dad used to say I was a "surprise".

  Now the odds of my 43-year-old mother producing a DS child were quite high, statistically. However, there wasn't anything wrong with me and she gave birth to a healthy 10 pound baby.

  My sister had her first child when she was in her late 30s. She also delivered a very healthy little girl, with no health complications.

  I really don't see JWs as being any different to any other parents who discover their child has DS. It's comparing apples to apples as far as I'm concerned.
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  Valis

  Prisc...maybe you are right, but I think there are some differences, mostly to do w/the child and their experiences or lack of them growing up. My sister will eventually end up with one of the elders I had to put up w/for a large portion of my life. He and his wife are loving people and they have a daughter the same age w/Down's, but I think it might not be so pleasant having to deal with them to see my own kin. Funny thing, maybe not but more ironic, that their other children are no longer witnesses...just like my siblings split. So, and this might be mean to say, but it doesn't paint a bright picture for the future of the WT IMHO, a Kingdom Hall full of people who have even less control of their own lives.... I can attest to the accidental children thing...of which I have two healthy ones I wouldn't trade for the world, but I would never sponsor the birth of a child w/defects. I don't think it right or just to bring someone into the world that can't take care of themselves and make their own choices...no I don't like the idea of abortion, but its certainly better than creating a situation that can turn on you and ruin lots of lives. Is this a selfish motive?

  Sincerely.

  District Overbeer
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  Prisca

  Valis, I can see your point, and largely agree with it, although we now view things differently to the way JWs see things.

  JWs basically don't have a choice regarding abortion. If a JW woman found out she was pregnant, and then discovered that the baby had DS, then it would be very hard for her to explain the "disappearance" of her pregnancy, unless she said it was caused by miscarriage. Abortion is a very emotional thing for women, and I doubt that a sister in this situation could actually go through with one.

  As this discussion seems to be fuelled by your concern with your sister who has DS, I am interested if you have considered looking after her when your parents can longer do so. You said that some other JWs have been allocated to do this job, but if you are that concerned about her welfare, have you thought about contesting the will when your parents die? Also, how do you know that your sister doesn't want to be a JW? Many DS people are capable of making some decisions for themselves, and I think the main issue here is HER happiness, and not the imposition on her of what others think will make her happy.
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  Mulan

  A couple we were studying with (30) had a baby with Down's. Their first born. She is 17 now, and very bright for a DS child. She has a serious heart defect and won't live a lot longer, and is actually in the 'Make a Wish' system. She got to meet Vince Gill 3 years ago, as one of her wishes. They were taken to the Gorge (an outdoor natural theater in Washington State) by limousine for the show, sat in the front row, and went to his bus to visit afterwards. They all loved it. She knows the words to all his songs.

  My sister in law and brother in law (my husband's eldest brother) had a Down's baby, their sixth child, who was definitely a surprse. She was 42 and he was 50, now deceased. The boy is now 27 and very retarded, but adorable. He cannot read and is about like a 5 year old, and lives with his older sister and their mother, who is now 69. He has serious hearing difficulties and epilepsy.

  They are burdens to the family, for sure, but I know both families would be devastated if anything happened to those kids.