Isn't it funny how something unpleasant has to happen to you in order for growth and change.
Since i am still somewhat new to the board I will finally get out my ramblings (rants & raves is more like it) of my past. My mother was "raised as a JW" and my father became one when he was 19 (I think it was in order to marry my mom). So both myself and my sister were born into it as well. I would say that we were both abused in all ways except she is still involved in the religion ("cult") so I'm not sure how she views it and don't want to assume how she feels on the matter. Needless to say I have suppressed nearly all my childhood memories until I moved to FL which was when I was 11. I went through many troubled teenage years. Attempte suicide a few times, in & out of mental institutions due to the attempts all the time my parents were on a mission to PROVE I was crazy. My mother even went so far as to take some of my poetry (which actually helped my despression) and used it against me. I still write but I have never shown my parents any of it even though right now we are on pretty good terms.
Back to the story.... I was 16 when I realized it was the JW that was the root to most of my issues. I wasn't allowed to have "wordly association" so my friends were limited and therefore my self-esteem was non-existent - therefore deeper depression. I quit attending the meetings. I remember pretending to be so tired on Sunday mornings so my parents "couldn't" wake me up to go. This of coarse was very hard on my mother. She felt that she had failed as a parent, but since that couldn't be the case, the problem had to lie with me. My father told me I wasn't allowed to work if I didn't want to attend the meetings. Mind you work was a major outlet for. So I ran away. Didn't get too far because they found me when I showed up for work.
After that I lived with my employer for a week (we're still friends today) in order to let everyone cool down. By that time I was having sex with older guys, drinking excessively, smoking "herbs". I was on a downward cycle. I had no goals, no dreams because I felt I didn't deserve any.
I have come a long way since then. I realized that I am not a "bad" or "immoral" person for not living to up my parents standards. However i had not changed enough of my lifestyle to fully appreciate that until this weekend . I had my normal weekend of club/bar hopping, getting trashed and living in a blur. I went to an afterhours party with a "friend" where more drinks were poured and then a game of strip poker. the game itself was a bit of a haze and then it was 6 in the morning and my frind was in the other room. i was ready to go but when she came out she had given her cars keys to the guy that just gave her a few lines of powder. I had done drugs but never anything hardcore and didn't know she did either. Next thing I know is that the guy kicked me out of his house because I was pissed off and let him know it. There I am stranded my only what I had in my pockets and no ride home. There is the saying that you really know who your friends are when you are down in the dumps. A friend I hadn't spoken to in months is who came and picked me up. I feel bad we lost a bit of touch. But better late than never.
Sometimes you have to feel so alone that you appreciate yourself. I have dreams that I intend on making a reality (I'll only say it involves my guitar). I have even decided to quit drinking for a while. Clear my head up and spend time with myself and get to know me.
WHEW! I feel so much better. Thanks all for letting me rant, and wish me luck on breaking the destructive cycle I have been on.
Edited by - SpiceItUp on 10 June 2002 10:35:17
