Here's an article I found helpful in recognizing manipulative people, shows how to recognize and handle it.
http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Up-on-Manipulative-Behavior
Curtail the guilt trip. Guilt trips are really high on the list of manipulative tools. If you can get someone else to feel guilty, then you're home and hosed. The trouble is, people wear out after being made to suffer guilt trip after guilt trip and the manipulator who thinks that he or she is on to a good thing here risks losing respect, friends, and being distanced by those who can't get away, such as family and co-workers. One of the key things to keep in mind when escaping the guilt trip bind is that the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better, and that it's their guilt trip, not yours. Here are some approaches to the guilt trip:
- Recognize it. Guilt trips are usually prefaced with "If you really cared about me, you'd...", or "If you were more responsible, you'd...", or "If you were more understanding, you'd...". In each case, you can substitute the words they add in after with "do as I want". Another way of inducing a guilt trip is to tell you what you wouldn't do, for example: "I knew I'd misheard it! After all, you'd never get engaged without telling me first." In that small phrase, you've just been told that the expectations are that you'll defer to this person before making any decisions.
- Turn it back on the guilt giver. Take a return-to-sender approach with guilt trips and don't let their interpretation of your behavior determine the situation. In this case, you can give them a little of their own medicine so that they understand how it feels to be made to feel guilty. This approach involves taking what the manipulator has said and tell them how they aren't respecting, appreciating, caring for, etc. your behavior toward them, and in the process, you dissolve the need to meet the obligation they're aiming to impose. For example:
- A: "You don't care about all the hard work I've done for you."
- You: "I sure do care about the hard work you've done for me. I've said as much many times. Now it seems to me that you don't appreciate how much I care."
- A: "That's not true! I appreciate it!"
- You: "Yes, just as I appreciate your hard work."
- Shorten their hold on you. When a manipulator tries to guilt-trip you by suggesting that they don't matter, don't buy into it. Instead, answer with a quick retort that breaks this hold instantly. For example:
- A: "Okay then, go on that camping trip with your friends while I do all the work looking after the dogs. Don't worry about me."
- You: "That's great! I'm glad you're happy to look after the dogs while I'm away. Thanks!"
Shift the assumption statement away from you. One of the things that is so riling about having another person tell you what it is that you're thinking or doing is that they are not taking you seriously or treating you as a whole person. Instead, they are attempting to overlay how they'd like you to behave and this comes right back to how they'd like you behave so that it benefits them . Assumption statements can be harder to pick up on but it's essential that you do so in order to deflect them quickly and effectively. Some examples include statements using "suppose", "guess", "wish", etc: "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again." or "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to stay longer with me each Christmas." The problem with the assumption statement is that there is no question; a manipulator doesn't like asking questions because it causes them to feel a loss of control . In a healthier relationship situation, questions would elicit what you're doing and a conversation could proceed from this understanding; a manipulator would prefer to make the assumption as to what you're doing because it then allows them to them to be in control of the you they've described rather than the you they need to listen to. Break the supposition away from your actions by ignoring the manipulative negative implication and return the manipulator to reality by clarifying your equally valid value attaching to what you're doing. For example:
- A: "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to stay longer with me each Christmas."
- You: "Actually, I spend as much time with you as I spend with Kate's parents and just as you and dad used to do when I was growing up, I'm happily dividing my time equally between both families."
- A: "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again."
- You: "I'm not leaving you alone. You've got your favorite movie on tonight, the dog's with you wanting attention, and I'll be back on Tuesday, as usual."
- A: "If you've got more important things to do, then it's best you don't waste time visiting me."
- You: "I'm glad you understand how busy things are for me right now. It's an expensive time to fly and I'll be able to spend more time with you when I come next May."
Move away from the mind games of what the manipulator thinks other people say or do. The use of third party "authority" is thoughtlessly rampant in much of everyday life because we like to defer to these generalizations as a way of backing up our own vague and often unexplored preferences. While most of us know it's a bad habit , in the hands of a manipulator, it becomes a weapon. Whenever a manipulator resorts to quoting what your Aunt May, cousin Josh or darling Katie down the street would do or are saying, see warning lights flashing. This tactic is used to try and compare the perceived lack in your responsiveness with the manner in which other people apparently would behave more appropriately than you (read: they'd do it for the manipulator whereas you're holding out). While some of this is to do with the manipulator fantasizing that the grass is greener in someone else's life, it's far more about being a tool that lets the manipulator abdicate his or her own responsibility for making the statement.
- A:"Mary says it'd be better if you didn't leave me alone all the time. She says it's harmful for me."
- You:"I didn't realize Mary was a psychologist. I must speak to her about the possibility of her spending more time with you."
- A:"Everyone thinks you're not being kind to me when you refuse to buy me a second diamond ring."
- You:"Everyone? I must meet these people who are so flush! I'd love to buy you another ring but I'm glad you have a beautiful one to keep you occupied until our budget can withstand any more large purchases."
