Hey gang, I'm a fader and I've made a few posts in the past, but I mostly lurk. I had a visit with a family member the other night and they know how I feel about my life as a Witness growing up. My life as a Witness was NOT fun, I had no friends "in the truth," was picked on relentlessly in school, and basically my life as a Witness left me with not one real good memory. Being laughed at every single day at school for being seen at doors, being ostracized by Witnesses because I didn't go out often for that reason, and just a huge wad of negative emotions and memories every single time anything about JWs comes up.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately how a person gets "over" these kinds of things. I know many people are seriously angry for what the religion has done to their families. I don't blame them at all. Most all of my bad memories are based on unfairness and unjustness where people did some pretty serious things and got away with it whereas others did things that seemed rather petty and they got the book thrown at them. Out of all the people I've met in my life, the ones that have been the most imbalanced, least friendly, least loving, hateful, crazy, bonkers, have overwhelmingly been Witnesses. Is it any wonder then, based upon my past, that I really can't stand to be around them?
Getting to the topic of my message, it was hounded into my skull from a very young age at the meetings, that we are to remain no part of this world. It meant not following it's customs, traditions, holidays, and basically any practice that could be deemed pagan. I've struggled to find justification then, if we are to remain seperate from these people, why it is justified then that we seek their help when we need a doctor, mechanic, plumber, electrician, lawyer, etc.? Why is it okay to embrace inventions of worldly people such as cars, computers, airplanes, helicopters, and a whole slew of modern inventions (electronic devices) just because it benefits you personally? I know I'm sounding Amish, but I really wrestle with this technology in the organization and I'll tell you why. When I was a young teen, I bought a computer with my sibling and we joked with each other saying, "I wonder how long it'll be before there is a magazine article against it?" It was about 2 years later if I remember correctly. Boy did I cop it. I was made to feel guilty for having a computer and any time there was a part on the meeting about computer use, the old bittys would look over at me making sure this counsel sunk in. The devil's internet which I've been on for 25 years has been warned against countless times.
So when I see the organization frantically embracing this technology, I'm quite frankly jealous. I liked my technology in the day and was made to feel bad about it. I remember the buzz when the announcement of the CD-Rom came out in the 90s. Witnesses suddenly were buying computers in droves because they took it that it was okay for Witnesses to own computers now. I'm just really, really put out that I had to endure a couple of decades of this, and in the end it was all for nought. I've been to a few meetings here and overseas and I'm really shocked at seeing people with their notebooks and devices being used in the audience. It looks to me like a total selling out to the worldly ways of doing things based upon what I was so fervently taught. We were told over and over and over and over and over that you MUST use the Bible, read it, look up scriptures in it, share what the printed page of the Bible says. Not even a photocopy was tolerated, but a worldly invention is okay now? I just don't get it.
Now I'm torn - do I just dimiss this, forgive it, and overlook this as if it never happened and leave myself open to more chastising over embracing some new, leading-edge tech, that hasn't yet been approved? Or do I remember how I was treated and how what was once said, later proved to be false, knee-jerk reactions to a new technology and use this view to temper what is currently understood and taught as mere drivel that could change at any moment or any whim?
I have a very logical mind and have been told by many workmates and people I've met that I'm very bright yet when it comes to religious teachings, I spiral into depths of catch-22s, dead-ends, illogical reasonings, and just flat out things that make no sense that, if I bring them to light to Witnesses, they either give me a blank stare, avoid me, or just try to mask it over by telling me to attend more meetings. I end up on anti-depressants and wanted to kill myself more times than I could imagine. When I don't go, I don't have to take pills, and I don't feel like killing myself.
And despite all of this, I still feel a spiritual need of sorts. I like what the Bible teaches as far as morality, love, kindness, praying, etc. I do not like what man adds to it like service time, multi-layer hierachies, rank, and putting men above one another. I agree with most all of the teachings such as avoiding pagan holiday stuff, but I struggle with the justification of wearing ties that, as I understand, originated in France as a decoration for soliders. How much pagan is okay? Days of the week and months are pagan names, but that is okay, but if I put a Christmas ornament up on my door, I could get in trouble. I struggle with the inconsistancies, the hypocrisy, the changing of what is considered right and wrong, and the lack of anything really stable and reasonable. I've been told I'm a black and white thinker and many of my bosses over the past have told me that. I know it's from growing up as a Witness. They did a good job of hacking my brain to think very rigidly.
So how does a fader as myself, who has a spiritual need they'd like to fulfill at least a little bit among loving, caring, and forgiving people, believes as a Witness (mostly as it's the closest thing to what I believe), but can't stand the Witnesses, nor being around them, suffers depression and anxiety for about 4 days after attending a meeting - how does that person fulfill a spiritual need when the people who claim to follow the same God and same teachings, are acting as a barrier?
I'm thinking that it might be sufficient to get out my Bible and just read exactly what it says. I think if I can forget about the GB and all that malarky with Disctrict and Circuit overseers, Elders, and all that hierarchical good-ol-boys club, maybe I can get a clearer message and maybe a shred of self-esteem. The damage has been done, but I'd like to change something inside of me and try to fix it because so far how I got started out really messed me up.
Thanks for reading...
-silent