Tremendous amount of guilt because of the way you treated your X?

by flowerfreaks2 3 Replies latest social family

  • flowerfreaks2

    A newbie to the site but wondering if anyone else has felt regret the way they treated their mate when married after they too left the JW's and had time to use their brain and analyze what they actually did to another human being. I've wanted to write him an apology letter but we have nothing connecting us. 10 years of marriage but no children, so no real reason for me to reach out to him. I've looked him up on the internet but didn't do anything more.......... Where to begin.... for the last few years I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt for the way I treated my ex through our 10 years of marriage. Plain and simple-- I was a holier than tho BITCH!!! I pushed him over the edge and out of the TRUTH....but hey, he might just thank me today for doing that now. Made it easier for his exit. But that holier than tho was just I have to be better, do better than him, like a competition ...... Felt I never fitted in and went through the motions....I was a follower, even RAP for years and RP for a year to gain more friends and approval.... Hated field service and never put a real effort into it, even fake pushing the door bell so I didn't have to talk to them.... what a great pioneer I was LOL It was a huge social fest for me. My ex was not a huge social person and only had a FEW good friends that he associated with. I was in there but not really. I loved going to lunch with the girls and going shopping to pick out a new outfit for the upcoming assembly, etc. I would have left earlier but ALWAYS felt the calling from the HQ like they had a POWER over me and they did.... Met my ex at a RBC and felt I was being blessed for giving my life for Jah..... I was young, stupid and following the rules. Even in the end of our relationship, I felt I was the better person cause I didn't commit adultery like he did and was faithful til the end..... but I was faithful to the wrong person. I withheld sex and hated sex with him cause of an issue when I was younger and molested/rapped by a neighbor. We lived like room mates for MANY YEARS and made him find it somewhere else. I took it out on him and was totally wrong for that... Even after the Committee meeting I was convinced I was the innocent party. I was stupid, stupid, stupid. Met my present ex witness hubby on the forbidden witness dating sites LOL we did meet up at a DC in the mid west and I moved there 6 months later from NJ and married him . I've been out for about 6 years. I never even sent a request for my file to be transferred so never really bothered by the JW's from around here. The ONLY problem I've had was a OVER ZEALOUS pioneer mother staying out of my business. I cut her off about a year ago because she just wants me to not leave Jehovah out of my sons life, "You have to teach my grandson about Jehovah.... Do you want him to die because of your issues???" Hubby has been out for about 7 to 8 years. Moving out of the area was the best thing I could have done for myself. No plan on ever going back. I am happily married now . All those wasted years, I can't get back or give him back but it was a journey I needed to take to grow and find myself. I am sorry for abusing him sexually and mentally along the way. should I try to reach out?

  • talesin

    Personally, I would write him a message on facebook. FWIW, I called my ex-husband after quite a few years, to apologize. He was never a JW, and well, he saved my life (emotionally) by marrying me. I was sick, parents wouldn't take me in, and too afraid to live together. He is a wonderful man, and I put him through hell .... yeah, I was molested, too. Had a lot of problems in addition to the WTS stuff.

    Anyhoo, he was remarried, has a child. I apologized, told him what a mess I was at the time, and just let him know it wasn't his fault. He got his wife on the phone, and introduced her to me. She, too, was a survivor of sexual abuse, and we three had a good chat. Much closure, forgiveness, and also ... I knew he was okay! My guilt was lifted.

    Do what your gut tells you.



  • jgnat

    I'd give it a try and see how he responds. If he's not interested in bringing up the past, do him a favour and let him go.

    There's the second part which is your steady rehashing of the past. I wasted many years fantasizing how I might have done things differently, but that's all past. When I focused on what I can do today and made plans for the future, I was better able to put the past behind me. You might enjoy the book "The Time Paradox" by Zimbardo.

    I know exes after many years become good friends. This after screaming matches, infedelity, and clothes thrown out on the lawn with the suitcase. It's amazing how maturity can mellow us out.

  • Oubliette

    jgnat: It's amazing how maturity can mellow us out.

    Would you mind talking to my ex? She could use a little lot of both: maturity and mellowing out.

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