Hi all -
Prior to these last few days, it has been a few years since I posted here. I was, for the most part, able to move on quite effectively from my JW experience, (from about the age of 5 to 33), so after about 2 or 3 years, I have mostly just read here as a lurker for the past 5 years or so. It is time to contribute again.
Recently, over the last 7 months, I have been through an ordeal involving some dear JW friends of mine. I do not want to get them outted, so I will not get into much detail about what happened to them, but suffice to say, learning of what happened to this couple rocked my world. I had known them and the husband's sister a long time, and all of them were very instrumental in my success as an adult. They were the more "liberal" type JWs, and were responsible for me getting a University education, among other helpful things in life. I love them all dearly, and always viewed them as big brothers and sisters.
Back in July of last year I decided to reach out to them after several years of absence. I figured that I have been out long enough, and people naturally tend to soften with time. I first reached out to the couple mentioned above. I met the husband for coffee one afternoon after work, and we talked for a couple of hours. He told me about an incident that took place where he and his wife had been seriously wronged by a sister, (pioneer), and her husband. Again, I will not get into the details, but it is one of the absolute worst cases I can think of and their lives are changed permanently for the worst. He and his wife have changed congregations several times since, and have been only marginal attenders. I was shocked, appalled, angry, etc. to learn of what happened to them, and still am for the most part. I also learned that the sister of the husband mentioned above had experinced an issue when her husband stepped down as an elder for reasons that appear to be the typical "good guys finish last as elders" reasons. Her husband is a good man.
So in September I decided to reach out to her as well. She and her husband now live several states away, so this was a phone call. We had a couple of good conversations over the following months, and for the most part, I could see she was her normal pragmatic intelligent self. However, I could tell she was experincing severe cognitive dissonance both over what happened to her brother, and her husband, and tried to rationalize both things away using the same rationale.
This bothered me quite a bit, but I did not want to rock the boat with her just yet. This was only the second time we spoke in several years, and I did not want to scare her off. After another two months, I decided to write her about my own life experience, and what went on with me concerning my reasons for departure from the organization. I was not dogmatic in any way, just relating my own experinces that woke me up, and explained how it forced a changed worldview. I wanted her to connect the dots, and see where there might be a parallel in her own life. She is just too damn intelligent to write off her own brother's and husband's experinces like this. Especially since we both know the details about what took place with her brother.
She replied back to my first letter within a few days. Her response was pleasant enough, but was mostly just trying to avoid the issues I presented by using quoted publications and bible scripture to attempt to get me to change my mind about leaving. I called her after she replied, and we had about the most intellectually honest conversation I believe I have had with her, ever. That set the context for my reply to her letter.
My next letter was quite a bit more to the point. The context set by the previous phone conversation made this necessary, even if I was not ready for it yet. I explained what cognitive dissonance was, how individuals respond when experiencing, etc. I was very gracious, but honest. I never mentioned anything she did specifically. I was trying to reach her on a human level, and leave controversial matters out of the discussion. I wanted her to see the parallels in her own life.
I would have expected her not to reply to that letter if it caused any real concern for her. I never expected a bad reflex with the cult persona. I got it, really bad the following day. It hurt like hell and still does, and it has been close to 3 weeks. I hope the reaction I received from her was because she actually did really "get it", because sacrificing the friendship for this really sucks.
Has anyone else ever had a similar experience, and what can I expect? Does it sink in eventually? She is a bright, successful lady and I have to believe I said something that made her think. Again, this is probably the first time I have ever been shunned in a manner that really hurts.
d4g