Apropo of nothing, I just wanted to share some thoughts. I have started reading and posting here recently. I have previously mentioned that I am an active JW, an elder who conducts the WT study. Today's study was quite an easy one on creation, nothing too controversial. But since I started reading and posting here, I have started to scan all upcoming WT study articles for things I might find problematic. The one last week on pioneering was a bit difficult, though I skated around the subject, even though the main thrust of it was, if you are not pioneering yet, why not? My wife pioneered for seven years and it nearly killed her. She is a very shy person, whose goal in life before she became a Witness was to become a hermit and live in the hills somewhere in blissful silence, with a few goats and sheep for company. Instead, she became a JW, and this set her on a path to depression and mental health issues. Maybe she would have had these anyway but her life as a Witness has caused her the most unbelievable pressure. I love my wife dearly and seeing the destruction of her personality in front of my eyes has been difficult. I too had psychological issues in my teens, but had resolved them on my own before I became a Witness. My parents had persuaded me to go to see a psychiatrist as they were so worried about me but I decided after two visits that I could work it out myself. Having done this did not stop me from becoming a Witness when I met somebody at work as his answers to life's questions seemed very logical. I have got to say here emphatically that the majority of my bros and sis in the Witness congregations are some of the nicest people you could ever meet. And I mean that. I have met many many Witnesses in the 32 years I have been a JW and the overwhelming majority have been honest, sincere and loving. I now live in a foreign country and the bros and sis here are again very nice. They have been so concerned about how my wife is doing in her recent difficulties, recommending doctors and offering to take her there if she does not want to go alone. But unfortunately the COE of the body of elders is ignoring the situation, and at the moment is trying to keep me doing some of the stuff I want to give up so as to concentrate on helping my wife. I am getting perilously close to the point of resigning as an elder as it is all getting a bit too much.
Musings
by thedog1 8 Replies latest jw friends
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JakeM2012
I'm sorry to hear the difficulties that your wife is experiencing. Tough decisions indeed. May you find peace for you and your family.
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thedog1
Thanks for that. I don't want to come across as self-pitying as I don't feel that way at all. I just want to find a way forward that will work. Others in the cong depend on me and look to me for guidance and strength. A bit tricky as I am not now totally convinced of the things I once believed completely. I am concentrating on just being there for my wife and others who need help, trying to help them as a fellow Christian in the way that Jesus recommended, trying to be loyal personally, without all the other must do's getting in the way, like ministry quotas, (unspoken quotas for non-pioneers but we know what they are), and the big expectations that are there on elders to be some kind of more than the average bro, as a shepherd etc. I know that this is part of the 'role' as an elder but then after a while you start to believe the publicity and just BEING a Christian falls by the wayside and you start to act out the 'role' of elder. Weird, isn't it, that Jesus wanted us to act like him, and if we only did just that then we could really be of help to others.
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Bobcat
On the pioneering side of things, it helps to recognize that "pioneering" is a company approved policy. If you were to regularly put in 70 hours a month in the ministry without signing up for pioneering, you would be viewed as someone bucking the system. (Compare Mark 7:5) There would be no experiences from someone like that in the magazines. I dare say, some elders would want you to reduce your time so as not to give others the idea that they could do that without 'signing up.'
As far as the Society is concerned, the only way to serve God full-time and be truly happy is if you are signed up to pioneer. It's no different from a business presenting the idea that you can only be happy or fulfilled if you have their product. As far as they are concerned, something 'like' their product or some oher solution is just not an option.
You've taken a big step simply recognizing there's a problem. Many experiences here recognize that elders like you are the ones who get deleted or burned out - because you are not a 'company man.'
Hope things work out for you and your wife.
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Syme
thedog1: it my long-held conviction that the chances of falling into depression icrease rapidly for those in the full-time service. Even more increased are for the Bethelites, CO's and their wives. My explanation is because this is an unnatural work, as the society itself aknowledges from time to time. ("God did not create us to knock at doors; he created us to make children and fill the earth", as is often heard). When you give all yourself to an unnatural work, the depression is going to knock your door someday. This is made worse by the fact that the "pionner" believes he/she HAS TO appear "happy" to the other sheep, and to the world, by all means, by all costs. This leads mathematically to antidepressants.
About your situation as an active elder: I can feel for you to some point. I am also active in, at least appear to, and served as an elder in the recent past. What are your plans, really? Me, there are 2 major themes that keep me in. 1st, my work and my house are my father's property, so I would be facing the chance of starving homeless, if I just left. 2nd, I like the company. My best close friends are jws (but thinking ones). On the other hand, today's article made me almost sick, since I've studied evolution, and the whole 'reasoning' of the article was for the circus.
Extreme practice of "doublethink" could eventually lead to actual schizophrenia, don't you think?
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Island Man
Maybe you can speak to the body of elders letting them know of your concern about the well-being of your wife - that you think she needs more of your support and attention than you can now give her while serving as an elder with all the responsibilities you currently have. They really are in no position to question your evaluation of your wife's needs as you are in a better position to evaluate her needs than they are. Let them know that you don't wish to step aside as an elder but you really do need to give more attention to your wife. Maybe they'll offer to cut back on your work load. If not you can resign reluctantly. They can't force you to serve. While elders have a responsibility toward the congregation and that would sometimes call for sacrificing some time he would normally spend with family, an elder's service should never be at the detriment of the well-being of others in his household.
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rawe
Hi Thedog1,
I hope posting & reading here is helping -- perhaps in just being able to write out a few thoughts. I am glad to hear you're tuned in to your wife's concerns. I did not know the extent of guilt feelings my wife had until after we left and she felt safe to talk about it.
Do take care. And yes, many of the brothers and sisters are just fine people -- of course they continue to be once they leave too. If only the leadership would respect the conscience and intellect of members a bit more.
Take care,
-Randy
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molybdenum
I am getting perilously close to the point of resigning as an elder as it is all getting a bit too much.
I can certainly feel for you in this situation.
I also, some time ago, was an Elder and had got caught up in the "company man" spirit.
Fortunately, I came across this forum and was brought to my senses. I stepped down as an Elder
giving reasons such as pressure, to spend more time with the family etc which was in itself not false
but not really the main reason. I had began to hate myself for the way I was feeling " superior" as an Elder and that
I had pushed aside the " humaness" that should have been in my life. Replaced with putting emphasis
on hours in the field service,meeting attendance, completing assignments,encouragement to pioneer, etc etc.
But when I was not an elder I realised that credibilty as a witness also suffers.
How some ( not all) reacted as if I had rejected a privilege from Jehovah and that I should have stayed on
as an Elder. My goal was to try to reach others to help them understand TTATT but I had no credibilty.
So I put some effort into trying to show I was a "spiritual" man and finally I was appointed as a MS.
From that point things were much better. I had the credibilty that comes with the appointment and I am able to
speak to others about some of the shaky teachings ( ex: overlapping generations) and some actually listen, as well
as the fact I didn't have to attend all the "brainwashing" Elders schools and Elders meetings.
So I would consider carefully whether you should step down. I know how you feel ( as much as anyone can do that)
and I know that it is really difficult to carry out assignments when we know what we know. ( I conducted the WT too)
But I wanted to reach out to others and help them to realise that there are other ways to please Jehovah and serve him without
having to follow the GB's rules and regulation to the "T".
As a MS I can do that. ( Of course this has to be done carefully) but I now feel that I can be of help in the congrgation and
especially when others express doubts or complain I am ready to show that I understand how they feel rather than jumping
on them with WT quotes as I used to.
Just some thoughts that might help
BTW this site helped me a lot too
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Hortensia
Set an example for the congregation in how to take care of your wife/family. Your wife needs you, the cong. really doesn't need you.
I always love to hear from a man who loves his wife == good for you.