Tell us a little about yourself and your family.
I'm a second generation JW. My mum was baptised the year I was born. My dad was never a JW, my mum and my two older sisters are very devout. None of my extended family are JWs so we were never close to them for obvious reasons.
Were you a born in or a convert?
I was born in. Baptised when I was 16
Are your parents / family JWs?
Yes see above.
How many generations have been JWs?
My mum was the first generation.
Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)
I was an MS.
Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?
Yes! Absolutely!
Did you get baptised? When and why?
As I said, I got baptised when I was 16. I "knew" it was the truth but I didn't love it. I certainly didn't want any "spiritual" responsibility of any kind. I hated the fact that as soon as I was baptised I was expected to say all the prayers in the family, take family study, and so on when I really didn't feel in the slighted bit qualified. I felt like a fraud from the word go. Needless to say I did anything I could to get out of these kinds of responsibilities.
What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?
There was no one trigger - just lots of jigsaw pieces that hovered in the back of my mind for ages. I was still convinced it was the Truth - even though in many ways I didn't want it to be the truth. The whole gay issue didn't sit comfortably with me - I did loads of research - but I just concluded it was me that was wrong and mentally warped. Disfellowshipping and cutting off faders went against my naturally forgiving nature (I always figured I was the worst kind of sinner so how could I be in judgement of anyone else?). I didn't believe any of the scandals. The UN thing didn't really have any effect on me at all - thought it was all a storm in a teacup.
The power of WTs gradually began to fade when I started a bible study with a man who was really well versed in what the bible said. I realised that many scriptures I took for granted didn't necessarily mean what I had been brought up to believe they meant. Still the WTs had its power over me - I was convinced we were in the last days. Finding JWFacts.com was the biggie - it really was an eye opener. I remember clearly telling people on the FS there had been more earthquakes since 1914 than in all the years before - when I discovered that simply wasn't true, and checked it for myself I began to lose trust in the organisation and started to wonder what else hadn't exactly been "the truth". I then discovered there were other things they had said and done that were less than honest. That was when all the jigsaw pieces fell together and the WTs lost its power over me.
I then began to read Crisis of Conscience. Subsequently I mostly lurked on this forum - I have never been the most active poster - everyone else seems to say it all so much better than me! But it was a great help and I have gone on to research many of the things I have read in these discussion forums - some allegations I take as a pinch of salt, as there can be a lot of hearsay, but there's also a lot of truth and fact here.
Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?
I came across a lot of sites and forums by gay ex-JWs. I think I must have found JW Facts through one of those and around the same time I found this forum. It was mostly through googling during researching of subjects that mattered to me.
How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?
I'm finding it difficult because nearly all of the JW friends I have had have been honest decent people who I still love dearly. I haven't been to the meetings since May 2013. At first everyone stayed in touch. Then my best friend in JW land sent me a text to say she wouldn't call round anymore (gave some excuse about being overworked and not coping with the hot weather lol). I saw her in the street the other day and I ran up to her and hugged her and she effectively gave me the brush off.
But to be honest it's the family side of things that's worse. I know the fact I am not going to meetings is tearing my mum apart. I don't know whether she would ever be able to shun me but if she does it will be because she sincerely believes it's in my best interests. We rarely call each other because I don't really have anything to say. I can't tell her about my life because it doesn't involve JW life. The fact I have been in a relationship for three years and I can't introduce the person I love to her makes me really sad.
Was it a big dramatic exit or a careful quiet fade?
I'm going for the careful quiet fade. But sometimes I wonder whether the dramatic exit would have been easier.
Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?
No. I have planted seeds now and again but I don't push it.
How were your family relations affected by your decision?
It's in a state of flux at the moment and I honestly don't know how it will turn out. I truly never thought I would be able to cope if I didn't have my family around me or if they began to shun me. But as they have been less forward in making contact, and I have built up a nice network of friends outside JW land and I have my partner who is my priority and family now - I'm beginning to wonder if it wouldn't be easier all round if they just shunned me and be done with it
Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?
Not shunned as such. Everyone apart from my family has just faded into the woodwork. That said, I obviously don't proactively make contact either.
How long have you now been out?
Mentally I have been out for almost two years. I did attempt a fade before that but I was still captive and I went running back to the Kingdom Hall on one occasion when I thought Armageddon was coming. Went through the whole judicial committee process, started attending meetings and going on FS then realised pretty soon I could never go back to the mental prison of being a gay JW again. It came to a head when I was working with an elder and we called on a gay man. It was my door, I did my presentation fairly well, but all that was going through my mind was how I wouldn't want to wish the JW life on any gay man. It's a profoundly miserable experience. I realised I had nothing to offer so I never went on the FS again.
Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?
Being happy and having a normal relationship. When I was a JW I believed it was impossible because I felt so damaged. The prospect of a new system didn't offer any hope to me on that score since everything I wanted wouldn't be possible. I did go through a kind of emotional breakdown.
What are you most proud of achieving since you left?
Being happy and being in a normal relationship!
Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?
Not really. I have long realised that no matter how nice everyone is or wants to be, they were never friends with the real me. Our friendships were based on a lie. I can never miss that.
Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?
No. I wish I had woken up earlier but then I wonder if I had, whether the sequence of events would have led me to the good place I am right now
Did you become an atheist or transfer your faith elsewhere?
I consider myself agnostic at the moment. I'm open to spirituality but I need a rest from it all!
How do you now feel about religion in general?
I don't know how I feel. I don't feel angry at religion - it makes some people very happy. But at the same time who can fail to see the problems it causes?
Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no"s?
I only do the social thing. I don't buy presents or cards - it just isn't me at the moment. That's not to say I'll never do it
Have you attended any face-to-face meetups of ex-JWs?
Yes a couple of gay ex-jw meet-ups. They were great fun and the people were lovely
Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?
Apart from one person who was a dear friend when I was a JW (she faded before me), my closest friends have never been JWs. Truly lovely people.
Do you tell people about your JW past?
I don't hide it. IfI think it would add to the conversation I wouldn't hold back
Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?
I feel some pity sometimes. But then, many have a sense of purpose in life that makes them happy. My family are prime examples. They all regular pioneered for many years - one of my sisters still does. My mum moved to a foreign language congregation - they are all steeped in it. They would be destroyed if they learned the TTATT and in that sense I hope they remain JWs.
How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?
I have only had elders call at the door so far. I haven't answered.
Storm the barricades or tend to the wounded? (do you favor activism or support)
I think people will leave if and when they are ready. I only get a little bit activist if I think a JW is being particularly judgemental.
What do you think is the most effective approach to reaching people still in?
Drop in a few facts now and then to plant seeds - such as subtly and "innocently" reminding people of past teachings, misquoted scriptures or verifiable facts that reveal that not everyting the WTS says is necessarily so . It's up to the JW as to whether the seeds germinate. I definitely don't bother reporting the scandals or anything that's hearsay as that wasn't effective with me - that kind of approach just confirmed everything I thought I knew about apostates.
Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow / change?
I'm not sure to be honest. I don't think it should be destroyed. There are worse religions out there. There is a very good side to JWs - it's just not good for everyone. If it wasn't so dogmatic and judgemental, it could be one of the better religions.
How has your life been impacted by your JW past?
I'm the person I am today because of my past experiences. My Mum did what she thought was best for me and if I am a decent person now , I owe it to the way she raised me and my JW experiences were intrinsic in that.
Are there things in your life you blame the WTS for?
I think it's stupid to blame others but still I would be lying if I didn't say "yes". I'm a good songwriter and producer and I never pursued a music career because I believed Armageddon was coming so soon. That said, I'm also very lazy, so who's to say I would have been dedicated enough to make it a career? Still, I have the pleasure of getting paid royalities for a few songs I have written for or co-written with other people - not enough to give up the day job mind you! And of course I still do music production as a hobby - a very serious one!
JW upbringing - a protection or a curse?
A bit of both. I had an unstable time in my childhood when my parents divorced and being in a congregation probably gave me a certain amount of stability. The trouble is I began to depend on that stability so much that ultimately it clipped my wings.
How do you fill your time now it's not filled with meetings and field service?
When I'm not doing something music-related I'm either watching TV or spending time with my partner and friends.
Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?
Yes very much so but probably only because I still have family in
How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?
I check this forum almost every day.
What do you think of the ex-JW community?
It's not for me to think anything - everyone has had their own experience that has affected them. If some need to vent and rant, so be it. I have never had a truly negative JW experience to feel bitter about (yet)
Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years time?
I think it will always be a part of me
Do you fear the future?
Not really - living each day as it comes at the moment.
What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?
Play your cards close to your chest and always stay respectful of other people's right to believe what they want to be believe.
What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?
I would say go for that work experience job as a gofer in that recording studio!
Do you have any regrets about life since you left?
No. I have never been as happy as I am now.
Can we read your life-story anywhere? (links to online or books)
It's here if it's of interest but it's very long and rambling. A bit cringey when I look back on it but I had to write it and it fulfilled its purpose...
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