Hitting Rock Bottom

by gold_morning 3 Replies latest jw experiences

  • gold_morning

    I am sure we all have been hurt by being so devoted to the organization. Usually there is one instance that sticks out in your memory forever as your lowest time. Either while still active or after leaving, via falling away or disfellowshiping. Sometimes just hearing others stories helps you, because you realize you are not so different after all. I would like to share mine with you.
    Disfellowshiping came very hard for me. I was raised a JW and was a good daughter, wife, mother and pioneer when I was active. I knew nothing other in my life but the JW doctrines and WAY OF LIFE.
    After being disfellowshiped I had absolutely no self esteam. I still believed they were the true religion and I was the one who got weeded out because I could not live up. I was unworthy!! I was wrong and they were right.
    The seriousness of how low I sank and how unworthy I was never hit home more than on a dark rainy evening. There was a small plaza next to home and a small J C Penny store was there. I had tried on a million clothes and was tired and could not decide what to buy. The store had already made a few announcements that they were about to close. Most of the lights were shutting down and in frustration I walked to the door to leave. The employee was waiting there with a key to lock the door after I had left along with the other three or four stragglers still leaving the last minute too.
    I walked the dark rainy parking lot to my car and when I searched for my car keys I noticed a sweater I had not paid for was hanging over my arm. I got inside my car and looked toward the store. The employee was still there locking up and my first instinct was to run to the door and apologize for inadvertently taking the sweater. Instead I sat in the dark parking lot listening to the rain patter on the roof of the car.
    There was a battle going on in my mind. Almost like a real conversation. That is when it hit me what a nothing I was now in God's eyes. The same God I was devoted to my whole life. I was the vomit out of the dogs mouth. Why return the unpurchased sweater. So what if I stole it!!! I was going to die at armegeddon anyway. I was truly going to die with the most evil of people. I was worthless. God no longer wanted to hear my prayers or have anything to do with me at all. I would never worship Him again. Never tell people about His kingdom again. I was the worst of people......AN APOSTATE.
    I stole that sweater and did not keep it. I never wore it, as it was too painful a reminder of how aweful I felt about me that night. Panic attacks soon began to occur and that lasted for about two years. I disliked myself for 16 years and became an expert of building a wall against all emotion. Feelings did not exist for me.
    I became so good at it that if a sad movie began to bring me to tears I could shut it of INSTANTLY!!
    I have myself back again. Thanks to God and His son Jesus Christ. Thru Him I have learned that I am indeed worthy and entitled to His Gift. I am so grateful for Him showing me that it was this religion who taught me that God left me, when infact, He never leaves us.. we leave Him.
    Hope you all share :) agape love gold morning

  • julien

    I thought this was a thread about Marc Christian..

  • joelbear

    I think I am close now.

    I'm thinking of committing myself.

    I think I am losing my mind.

  • Mimilly

    Even though I had my dislikes about the hypocracy I saw, I too kept believing they had the truth for awhile. The recordings of the borg are so intrenched that any semblance of 'normal' life seemed impossible. I had panic attacks, nightmares, arguments going back and forth in my mind re: truth vs reality. My migraines exploded. I wrote this during that time:

    My heart is the thorn upon a rose
    Hiding beneath the foliage and petals
    Dagger sharp from remembering all
    The times the beauty was plucked and then discarded

    My mind is a state of revolutionary war
    A holy war, wondering which belief is right
    Thoughts running for safety upon sensing the enemy
    Shrapnel being detonated between the left side and right

    My body is statuesque, a layering facade
    That keeps this war hidden so that no one can see clearly
    When a thorn is my heart nor the holy war of mind
    Nor the leaning tower of Pisa that is mine own insanity.

    The borg rips our insides out, emotionally - which affects us physically, and has us upside down spiritually. There were many days I didn't think I would live through. I'm glad I stuck it out and can finally see the light of day. They definitely throw you into a place where you feel 'insane', which seemingly 'proves' that they're right about what happens after being Df or Da.
    For those of you going through this now, don't give up. Draw that line for yourselves. All the confusion and pain is your spirit cleaning out the garbage we were force fed, and then healing comes.

    sunbeams, moonbeams and everything magical,

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