Excerpt from 'Blackadder'. I guess 'Baldrick' would not get a job in 'Java's' coffee shop.
Edmund: (removing the pencils, looks at Baldrick) Fat chance! Now, all we have to do is wait. Baldrick, fix us some coffee,
will you? And try to make it taste slightly less like mud this time.
Baldrick: Not easy, I'm afraid, Captain.
Edmund: Why is this?
Baldrick: 'cause it is mud. We ran out of coffee thirteen months ago.
Edmund: So every time I've drunk your coffee since, I have in fact been drinking hot mud...
Baldrick: With sugar.
Edmund: Which of course makes all the difference.
Baldrick: Well, it would do if we had any sugar, but, unfortunately, we ran out New Year's Eve 1915, since when I've been
using sugar substitute.
Edmund: Which is...?
Baldrick: Dandruff.
Edmund: Brilliant.
Baldrick: Still, I could add some milk this time -- well, saliva...
Edmund: No, no, thank you, Baldrick. Call me Mr Picky, but I think I'll cancel the coffee.
Baldrick: That's probably 'cause you're mad, sir!
Edmund: Well, quite!
George: (re-enters; Edmund quickly replaces the pencils) Well, it didn't go down well at all, I'm afraid, sir. Captain Darling said
they'd be along directly, but, well, you better be damn doolally.
Edmund: Don't worry, George -- I am (makes weird noises while moving his right arm strangely). When they get here, I'll show
them what `totally and utterly bonkeroonie' means. Fwaf! Until then, we've got bugger-all to do except sit and wait.
George: Well, I don't know, sir -- we could, er, we could have a jolly game of charades!
Baldrick: Ooh, yes!
George: And a sing-along of musical hits like "Birmingham Bertie" and "Whoops, Mrs Miggins, You're Sitting On My
Artichokes."
Edmund: Yes, I think bugger-all might rather be more fun.
(later, the three are sitting around doing bugger-all)
Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir?
Edmund: Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn't the one about where babies come from.
Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So,
there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? and there being a war on came along. So,
what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Edmund: Do you mean "How did the war start?"
Baldrick: Yeah.
George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire- building.
Edmund: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small
sausage factory in Tanganiki. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.
George: Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. (aside, to Baldrick) Mad as a bicycle!
Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Edmund: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Edmund: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort *not* to have a war.
George: By (Gum? [it's not `God']) this is interesting; I always loved history -- The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six
knives, all that.
Edmund: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on
one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as
the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But, this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
Edmund: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that, sir?
Edmund: It was bollocks.
Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing.
Darling: (from outside) 'tention!
George: (he and Baldrick stand) Right, they're here. Erm, Baldrick, you keep him warm; I'll go prepare the ground. (laves)
(outside, George salutes Melchett and Darling)
George: Sir.
Melchett: George! How's the patient?
George: Well, it's touch and go, I'm afraid, sir. I really can't vouch for his behaviour. He's gone mad, you see -- stir-frying
crazy.
Melchett: I see. Is this genuinely mad?
George: Oh, yes, sir.
Melchett: Or has he simply put his underpants on his head and stuffed a couple of pencils up his nose? That's what they all used
to do in the Sudan. I remember I once had to shoot a whole platoon for trying that. Well, let's have a look at him. (goes in,
followed by others)
Darling: 'tention!!!
Edmund: (stands, talks to Baldrick) ...and the other thing they used to do in the Sudan is to get dressed up like this and pretend
to be mad. But don't let me catch you trying that one, Baldrick, or I'll have you shot, all right? Dismissed. (turns to Melchett,
removes the pencils) Oh, hello, sir -- didn't hear you come in.
Melchett: Well now, Blackadder, they tell me you've gone mad.
Edmund: No, sir (removes the underpants), no -- must be a breakdown of communication. Someone obviously heard I was
mad with excitement, waiting for the off.
Melchett: There you are, you see, Darling? I told you there'd be a perfectly rational explanation. Right, George, have your
chaps fall in.
George: Very good, sir. (salutes, leaves)
Darling: Well, it's rather odd, sir. The message was very clear: "Captain Blackadder gone totally tonto.. Bring straightjacket for
immediate return to Blighty." (holds up straightjacket)
Melchett: Don't be ridiculous, Darling. The Hero of M'boto Gorge, mad? Well, you've only got to look at him to see he's as
sane as I am! Beeaaah! (leaves)
Darling: Would that the M'boto Gorge where we massacred the peace-loving pygmies of the Upper Volta and stole all their
fruit?
Edmund: No -- a totally different M'boto Gorge.
Darling: Oh. Edmund: Cup of coffee, Darling?
Darling: Oh, thank you.
Edmund: Baldrick, do the honors.
Baldrick: (comes from kitchen) Sir. (to Darling) Sugar, sir?
Darling: Three lumps.
Edmund: Think you can manage three *lumps*, Baldrick?
Baldrick: I'll rummage around, see what I can find, sir. (turns back to kitchen)
Darling: Make it a milky one.
Baldrick: Coming up, sir.
(outside; while Melchett and George speak, Baldrick can be heard hawking up a great deal of `milk')
Melchett: Well, George, you must have been delighted to hear the news of the Big Push.
George: Absolutely, sir -- our chance to show the Hun that it takes more than a pointy hat and bad breath to defeat the armies
of King George!
Melchett: That's the spirit!
(inside, Baldrick spits, then returns with the mug)
Baldrick: Here you are, sir.
Darling: (looks in the mug) Ah, cappuccino! Have you got any of that brown stuff you sprinkle on the top?
Baldrick: Well, I'm sure I could m--
Edmund: No, no!
http://www.xmission.com/~tchansen/blackadder/scripts/ba4-6-sc.htm
ISP