Ignored Aspect of Pedophilia

by Francois 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  Francois

  Much has been said about pedophilia among JWs, as it should be. But there is one aspect of it that I don't remember anyone bringing up, and it's very, very telling.

  In something like 95% of all cases of pedophilia, the SPOUSE knows what's going on. NINETY FIVE PERCENT. This is sickening.

  Here's a little background detailing how I am aware of this.

  Begining in 1987, I was involved with a young woman who had been a teenager in a congregation of which I was a part 15 years earlier. We were together for six years. Soon after our relationship started, and largely because of it, she kind of "went off the deep end." Well, after a considerable amount of therapy, and coming and going, and back and forth, etc. It was discovered that she had multiple personality disorder. And, as you may be aware, most MPD is a result of unbelieveable sexual abuse experienced as a child.

  Coming from a dysfunctional family myself, and being a "fixer" I naturally wanted to fix this beautiful and intelligent young woman. So I researched family of origin dysfunctionality, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, involvement with high-control cultic organizations, pedophilia, child sex abuse, MPD itself, and everything else I could find on the topic.

  In virtually everything I ever read about child sex abuse, it was pointed out that the spouse of the pedophiliac, the pederast, was fully aware of what was going on, and kept silent. Makes sense when you think about it. Any person who stays in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship is as sick as the relationship itself; and this sickness includes denial. My own mother denies to this day that there was anything wrong with our family. "We were normal," she says when confronted with the facts (urge to strangle).

  I won't go into all the reasons, rationalizations, and explanations of why this is the case, but the documentation for the spouse knowing and denying what's going on is overwhelming.

  This little fact has considerable implications for pedophilia as it relates to the JWs, especially pedophilia by an elder. My lover was abused by her parents, to be sure, but her chief abusers was a married couple - special pioneers - with whom her parents put she and her siblings over weekends while they enjoyed mainlining Demerol for three days.

  And while all this was taking place, the elders were giving special needs talks about avoiding bad association at a local roller skating rink. These characters really knew what was happening.

  Your reactions to this little tidbit of information will be appreciated, and very interesting.

  Francois
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  Pierced Angel

  I was molested at an early age and I swear I can tell which girls have been or are being molested. I almost get paranoid if my daughter is spending the night with a cousin (never at a friend's house that I don't know well0. I quiz lightly on all kinds of things trying to open up any discussion if she's felt "weird" at all by being there. I look at her for signs and am always trying to make sure she knows to stick up for herself without putting fear into her.

  I cannot believe that a mother would not know if her own husband was abusing the child in this way. It just seems hard to understand, though I imagine that some are gullible and not attune to their children or spouse, but for the most part, it has to be instinctual, right?
  I suppose if they suspect, but don't have proof they can either try to find out and take care of the "mess" or they can deny it and avoid the signs to get out of cleaning up the "mess". Thing is, it comes back to haunt them in the end.

  I think to not protect your own child is even more sick in a mental way than the pedophile. It's just so wrong.

  Anne
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  curlers

  Francois,

  Great topic and you're absolutely right. I know from personal experience. Plus, on Oprah at the beginning of this season, Dr. Phil was doing Get Real with like 30-40 people. One was a woman/mother that had kids that been sexually abused (I don't remember exact details). When it was her turn for Dr Phil to get in her face and he's berating her that she knew something was up, she admitted she did.

  Its common for the other adult to turn a blind eye. Reasons are many. A mother can feel she's now in competition with her daughter for the man's feelings whether its a bio-dad or step-dad. A lot of times in step situations a mother will rationalize its her daughter coming on to her stepdad. Or, a mother is protecting her husband in the same way as if he was a drinker and she'd call work to say he wasn't coming b/c he has the flu. Sometimes, mothers just don't want to put the dysfuntion out there b/c they'd have to take their share of responsibility.

  When I told my mother what my father was doing, she did nothing except say something to him. He then got a hold of me alone and said that you've told your mother awful things and if you ever say anything like that again, I'll kill you. At least, he never touched me sexually again. My mother never said anything to me so I got abused from her as well as my father b/c she didn't protect me.

  I like you Pierced Angel have two daughters 6yo & 16mo. I am pyscho about what I went through will never ever happen to my girls. I constantly talk to my 6yo about it is inappropriate for anyone to touch you in the bathing suit area.

  I agree that its wrong not to protect your child.

  curlers
• 

  Amazing

  Good post Francios: I don't know if 95% is accurate, but it may be a popular number. A sad result is that some people wrongly balme innocent spouses. A friend of my wife and I was the wife of a Baptist Minister who was convicted for molestation.

  Many church members believed that she must have known, and some speculated that she even helped arrange for her husband's victims. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Upon her husband's conviction, the people in the court room were so violent in their out bursts against her, that the judge have to clear the court room ... and upon leaving the courthouse, she was spit on, had things trown at her, and yelled at.

  Her life was made a living hell. Her minor daughters were even shunned by their friends, spit on, called names, and accused of helping their dad. Others thought that the daughters were molested, when in fact they were not.

  While I believe in getting the molesters, I also believe that we as a society need to be careful not to harm yet others who may not be, and likely are not part of the wrong. So, I find 95% of the spouses a hard number to believe. Do you have any sources of studies that support this percentage? Thanks again for a thoughtful post.
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  target

  My niece who was around 10 or 12 at the time, but is retarded and has the functioning of about 4 years old enjoyed visiting the elderly 'grandpaents" in the neighborhood. "Grandma" like to bake cookies, but "Grandpa" like to have time alone in the bedroom with the girl. When "Grandma" would see them go in the bedroom, she would quitely close the door after them. "Grandpa" went to prison. It seems to me that "Grandma" should have been punished too.

  Along that line, my asshole father-in-law was a flasher. Every woman in the family was subjected to it. It was worse when he was drunk, which was every weekend/holiday. Like many cases, he was married to a real nice person whom everyone cared about and no one wanted to confront the issue and upset her.
  One day when I went to their house he was wearing his bathrobe and nothing else and sitting in a chair, he opened his robe and she saw him. Instead of the shocked reaction I expected from her, she just gave him a disgusted look and said "Oh Lionel!" It was obvious this was something she had known about all along.
  When the spouse knows about it and says and does nothing, they are enabling the abuser.
  Some times there is justice in the natural course of things. My father-in-law is old and sick. Diabetes made him quit drinking. It also took his eyesight so he can't see the woman to flash them. He will most likely die in the near future and no one cares. His tombstone should read "The Asshole is finally dead"
  What a way to be remembered.

  Target
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  Billygoat

  My father never molested me, but he was definitely physically abusive. I've already mentioned some of the things he's done to me, but the whole time my step-mother never did anything to stop it. She just stayed in the other room and listened to me scream as I got the s***t beat out of me. She did the same thing with my little brothers she had with my dad. She never tried to protect them either. The one time I remember her coming to my defense was at an especially bad beating. Dad turned on her. She never came to my defense again. Still...I think she is just as guilty as he is. How can a mother (or anyone) stand by and watch a small child be abused - physically or sexually - and not do anything about it? It's sick. Truly sick. If there is a hell there should be a special level for people like that.

  Andi
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  TexSham

  Francois, that is an execellent argument for pedophilia being a sickness, but the fixer in me says to just lock them away forever, not treat them. Would you agree with this?
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  precious_lil_1

  Well this topic hits a bit close to home. Not only was I raised in the trutha nd abused by a family member, but then I married a man who was also raised in the truth and abused me and other young woman, and is still to this day abusing young women. I am no longer married to this person, but now the elders are realizing that this is a major problem. This is not enough. To just be removed from the congregation is not the solution the this "disease."
  Why don't the elders take it to the legal officials and handle it that way? Would they not be considered a part of the problem if they don't go to the proper authorities?
  What else can I do to get this man put away??????
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  morrisamb

  This topic hit home 'cause I wrote a book about it! I thought I'd share this -- an excerpt from my latest review of my upcoming book, Father's Touch (www.fatherstouch.com), from a reviewer in Dover, England. It's a page and half long so I've edited it. Thanks for reading.
  
  FATHER’S TOUCH By DONALD D’HAENE

  Pub: American Book Publishing, Salt Lake City, Utah, USA, expected 2002
  Genre: Biography, Sociology – Paedophilia, Males, Incest.
  Rating 9.5/10

  “Surviving the worst kind of treachery.”

  Anyone who has regard for the future can only view the destruction of a child’s innocence as one of the most heinous crimes in the human lexicon of brutality. When this occurs in the family home and is perpetrated by a parent with an obvious duty of care, the betrayal and it’s consequences are immeasurable.

  Daniel and Jeannette D’Haene emigrated to Canada from Belgium in 1957 where they settled in a rural area and had four children. Ronny the eldest was followed by Donald, the author of this book, then Marina and Erik followed. On arrival in Canada both Daniel and Jeannette were Roman Catholics, she more devout than he. Daniel felt constrained by a diktat by the church in Belgium the faithful should not read the ‘Bible’ which would confuse them. This must be peculiar to the clergy at that time and place, since the same was not true then in UK. Daniel was attracted by the Jehovah Witnesses who actively encouraged religious study and became a pillar of the local community group. Eventually he persuaded his wife with a mixture of rhetoric and beatings she should change her faith too.

  Whatever the expectations and demands of the Witnesses, Daniel believed in his own home he was the master, and his wife and children, his property. They were expected to be obedient to every whim and caprice....
  ....
  There is very little literature on the subject of father/son sexual abuse which is still for some a taboo subject. This well written and fluent book should be required reading for all engaged in the protection of children and the victims of today. These may care to know Donald more than survived his past and is today a successful art journalist, actor and TV presenter. Lawyers should also view the last chapters of the book as a textbook summary of how not to prosecute a case and judges can gain a refresher course on what poor administrative services can do to ‘justice’. In this instance, Donald and his family were the victims of secondary rape by the very system which allegedly should have redressed their wrongs and protected them. Although this matter came to trial in the early 1980’s in Canada, whilst there is a better understanding of the evils of sexual abuse today, there are still errors of judgement by social workers and laxity in prosecution on both sides of the Atlantic.

  Finally, the author should be commended for his courage in writing this book. To discuss the unspeakable acts committed by a parent and expose the induced guilt and shame created with undoubted finesse is a triumph of talent and the will over adversity.

  Dione M. Coumbe LL.B(Hons.)

  Editor & Reviewer for www.DoverWeb.co.uk;

  Managing Director of Book Publicity Ltd. UK, www.BookPublicity.co.uk