Is this co-dependancy or just plain stupid?

by hoser 9 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  hoser

  My grandpa was a slobbering abusive drunk. He treated my gramma like shit. He was also abusive to his two children, my father and his sister, my aunt. Well old gramps died a couple of years ago and I have just started to reflect on how my father would jump to defend him even though he was treated badly. He bailed him out of jail more than once and protected grampas reputation. grampa was always broke and would bum money off my dad and never pay him back, ever. This was detrimental to our family as we desperately needed that money. Sometimes there wasn't enough money to buy milk and groceries cause my dad gave his last money to pay off grampas debts. Isn't this sick?

  Now it gets to the interesting part. As jehovahs witnesses do we not do the same thing? Defend the very people that are abusive toward us. Defend the watchtower society that verbally abuses us, that bums money off us and never pays us back. That takes our time that we should be spending helping our children and the money that should be spent helping our own family?

  What is the reason for this perverse behavior?

  hoser
• 

  Fernando

  Spiritual Stockholm Syndrome

  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
• 

  cobaltcupcake

  You're right - it's like staying in an abusive relationship.

  My brother worships the memory of our father, even though the guy was abusive to us as kids and ran through money like a drunken sailor. Little brother is in denial about a lot of stuff AND he's still a staunch Dub.
• 

  DATA-DOG

  When you are raised a certain way, then it seems normal. The more sheltered you are, the less life you experience. With less experience you have nothing to compare against your " normal " life. If you are the Abuser, then you need a victim. How do you keep them? Make sure they don't learn what real love is, or see that what they experience is anything but normal.
• 

  wasblind

  As I have stated many times , My father was abusive to my Mother

  when she made up her mind that she had had enough my father

  tried to put fear in her

  When that didn't work He made a last ditch effort to put fear

  in us children tellin' us how bad it was gonna be out on our own

  My Mom proved him wrong, she overcame by perserverance

  Like my father the WTS wants to put fear in ex-JW's

  The WTS thrives off of division amongst ex-jws , Sadly, some here are playin'

  into the WTS hands

  The WTS is dependant on these very ones to prove the WTS right

  .
• 

  jgnat

  It took a few years after leaving my abusive first husband before I could admit that sometimes I am angry. All real emotions are to be celebrated, rather than categorizing some as "good" and others "bad". If I am sad, depressed, or angry, that's a signal that something is not right. I need to do some self-care and find out what that is. It is OK to tell a loved-one that I am angry because of something they did.

  What is NOT OK is lashing out in a hurtful or unproductive way.

  These bad examples in our lives, it can push the "good kids" to be the opposite. Instead of being a bully, they become the doormat. They haven't really left the their past; they've just flipped to the other extreme. I'd say your good, good dad did not know how to turn his dad down flat, without feeling somehow, "bad". He was trying to run away from all "bad" feelings.

  Note how Witnesses with doubts are reminded of their original commitment. "Good" people don't renege on their agreements. "Good" wives don't leave their husbands. They remain trapped in the abuse.

  I think I am going to print up some tickets, "Feel free to do what you want - you are lovable always".
• 

  Fernando

  From Wikipedia:

  Stockholm syndrome, or capture–bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness. [ 1 ] [ 2 ] The FBI's Hostage Barricade Database System shows that roughly 27% of victims show evidence of Stockholm syndrome. [ 3 ]

  Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.” [ 4 ] One commonly used hypothesis to explain the effect of Stockholm syndrome is based on Freudian theory. It suggests that the bonding is the individual’s response to trauma in becoming a victim. Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they no longer become a threat. [ 5 ]
• 

  Lady Lee

  Children have a need to be cared for. From the time they are born they are dependant. When a child learns the only way to survive is to take care of the person who is supposed to be caring for them it sets the stage for a life-time of codependency. In many ways it is Stockholm Syndrome. To survive you have to align yourself with the people who are holding you captive - your parents.

  To gain approval you give them everything they want. But it is never enough because the approval, support and acceptance is never granted or even worse is granted on an irregular basis. That makes the child more determined to gain approval. Eventually some realize that there is only one thing that the parent wants from them and if it wasn't given you would never see them again.

  If you ask this question: "Would I bend over backwards, deprive my children of things if this person was not related to me?"

  If the answer is, "No way", then you can begin to disentangle yourself from them. But old patterns can be hard to break and it takes a lot to realize that person is incapable of giving you what you needed as a child and what you need as an adult. It takes more courage to act on it and stop the codependency.
• 

  designs

  What would we sacrifice 'if this person was not related to me'- is the final question many of us asked ourselves about our 'spiritual brothers and sisters' in not sacrificing anymore of our lives to this delusional religion.
• 

  Lady Lee

  exactly designs. What we come to realize is that we are getting precious little for the amount that we give. I'm not talking about the future and the paradise (which they seem to be building out at Patterson). It is about real love. As JWs we were kept so busy doing the "kingdom work" that the whole concept of showing real love to one another was missing. Yea we could go to the hall and smile nicely and shake hands and talk about the talk (Wow wasn't that a great talk today? I got so much out of it." when really we were dozing off or thinking about the grocery list. We could pick up people and take them to a meeting and take them home but that is simple stuff.

  What about really helping the sick? Or the fatherless children? (not just study with them. I used to arrange picnics and invited everyone until they put a stop to that. Things like basic socialization were severely stunted and that kept everyone codependant.