"Dubs For Dummies"

by Farkel 64 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Farkel

    Dear Brothers and Sisters in the Worldwide Brotherhood of Jehovah’s Witnesses™,

    There has been much public interest in our beliefs lately, so we have prepared a very brief summary of our core beliefs in a new pamphlet which you may offer to interested persons. Hopefully, this pamphlet will generate enough interest with honest-hearted people and enable you to start many new Bible studies. Please remember to occasionally use the Bible for reference in those studies, but also remember the Biblical counsel on moderation in all things.

    The Faithful and Discreet Slave CLASS through careful prayer and consideration has come up with a title for this pamphlet that will surely generate interest and curiosity. We have entitled it “Dubs For Dummies.”

    To the worldwide body of elders: for instructions on how to distribute this pamphlet in field service work and informally, please refer to Watchtower Directive AU-474-392-17, page 17, sub-section 9, paragraph 14. Make sure the congregation follows these instructions exactly as written.

    We offer our warmest Christian regards,

    Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, INC.


    Dubs for Dummies

    If you are an honest-hearted person who is interested in knowing more about the Bible and its wonderful provisions for mankind, we ask you to please consider the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses. We are confident that once you do, you will see that Jehovah’s Witnesses are endeavoring to follow the Bible as our Creator wants us to do. You may have heard about Jehovah’s Witnesses, but also may not know what we believe and practice. We encourage you to take a few minutes and review this brief summary of our main beliefs:

    We do not celebrate birthdays because we believe life is sacred and we do not want to put ourselves at risk getting beheaded, as so commonly happens at such gatherings.

    We only have one celebration a year. This is the celebration of the Lord’s Evening Meal, held on Nissan 300ZX-turbo of each year. To prepare for this grand celebration, our congregations around the world purchase approximately 80,000 bottles of wine and then assemble together in our Kingdom Halls. No one is allowed to smile at this celebration because it is a “serious celebration.” At the meeting, we fill up glasses with wine, and pass them around so that everyone can look at those glasses of wine. After everyone has had a chance to look at those glasses of wine, the celebration concludes with a prayer. You might be wondering what happens to these 80,000 bottles of wine that everyone had to look at. Well, it is customary to end the evening by purchasing another 2 MILLION bottles of wine and drinking all that wine in various gatherings after the celebration of the Lord’s Evening Meal.

    Jehovah’s Witnesses are the only True Christians™ and some day may actually write a book using the name “Jesus” or “Christ” in its title.

    We believe that every prophecy in the Bible has a greater fulfillment in our modern day, and that every prophet in the Bible pictured an even greater prophet in our day. Every single one of the good Bible prophecies and all the good prophets in the Bible are fulfilled in and by us and those who govern us. All the bad prophecies and bad prophets apply to everyone else. Jehovah’s Witnesses are a humble people.

    We refer to ourselves as “Jehovah’s Christian Witnesses™” because some people probably didn’t know that the God of the Bible has a son named “Jesus.”

    We believe in the Ransom Sacrifice of Jesus. Adam lost the right to eternal life, so God killed him by forcing him to die. God then killed Jesus by forcing him to die and thus Jesus “bought back” the right to eternal life. Since Adam lost the right to eternal life, God killed all humans by forcing them to die. God will soon kill almost all humans by simply killing them before they would normally die. Then God will resurrect all the people he killed or killed by letting them die, except for the ones he kills directly when he does the most direct killing he's ever done, let them live a thousand years and then kill a whole bunch of them at the end of the thousand years. THEN the Ransom Debt™ will be repaid. But if anyone disobeys God after that, He will kill them. We refer to this as the “Loving Ransom Provision of Jehovah and Jesus.”

    We believe that Jesus took his Heavenly Throne and began ruling in 1914 of our Common Era™. We base this belief by combining Jesus’ mention of the Gentile Times with Daniel’s prophecy of Daniel 4 written hundreds and hundreds of years earlier. We base the chronology in Daniel 4 on the “Times-equals-lunar-years-equals-days-equals-solar-years” RULE. It’s all Bible-based.

    Jesus has been enthroned as King at God’s right hand in heaven for almost ninety years now. We believe he’s still getting his throne organized and won’t do anything we can actually notice that he’s doing until he’s fully organized. These things take time.

    We believe that riding the Wild Beast of Revelation has Jehovah’s approval if it is done in moderation and allows us to get library cards. However, other religions who do the same thing are fornicating with the Wild Beast, since they do not have Jehovah’s approval to get library cards from the Beast. Jehovah must first personally approve any applications for Wild-Beast-Riding and Wild-Beast-Library-Cards. This is all based on the Bible.

    We believe that baptism is the single-most important decision in a Christian’s life. That’s why we’ve made it a legally-binding contract. Times have changed since Jesus said to baptize in the name of the Father, the Son and the holy spirit. This is more fully discussed in the topic on “Organizations” below.

    We believe that disfellowshiping people, cutting them off from family and friends and treating them as though they are dead is a true act of Christian love. We believe that death is the penalty for sin, except for those who are disfellowshiped.

    We do not believe in hell-fire, preferring to torture people while they are still alive.

    We do not create gaudy Churches that glorify us. We create gaudy resorts that glorify us.

    We believe that Jesus was crucified on an upright stake with his arms covering a sign placed directly over his head. Therefore, we don’t know what that sign said. We believe this because everyone else believes that Jesus died on a cross and so they all must be wrong.

    Jehovah’s Witnesses refer to their spiritual leaders as “Glorious Ones™. They do this because those who are called “Glorious Ones” insisted they be called that. This is Bible-based.

    Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that Satan the Devil has deceived all of Christendom. He has done this by tricking them into believing that the Bible actually means what it says. Jehovah’s Witnesses, on the other hand, have come to the understanding that the Bible does not mean what it says and that Jehovah God is directing them to understand what it really means when it says what it doesn’t mean.

    We believe that Jehovah God has always worked his will through an organization. That is why we refer to the Bible examples of the Noah Organization, the Ezekiel Organization, the Elijah Organization, the Daniel Organization, the Jesus Organization and all other Organizations clearly discussed in the Bible. When one becomes a Jehovah’s Witness, he is baptized into our Bible-Based Organization™.

    Finally, we believe it is our duty to lie to our enemies. We believe that everyone is our enemy.

    So, if you are excited about these Bible-based beliefs and are interested in learning more detail about what Jehovah’s Witnesses believe, feel free to contact us for a free no-obligation home Bible Study. Or you may visit one of our many Kingdom Halls to learn more. They’re the buildings without any windows.


    Jehovah’s Christian Witnesses™



  • Satanus

    Thanks, farkgod. That was really funny...and true.


  • TR


    LOL! Once again, a masterpiece!

    I think if one could actually hack into the WTS web site and put "Dubs for Dummies" there, it would fit right in. LOL!


  • NeonMadman



    I laughed out loud reading this!


    "At midnight all the agents and the superhuman crew go out and round up everyone who knows more than they do"
    --Bob Dylan
  • detective

    Very good!

  • Yadirf
    God will soon kill almost all humans by simply killing them before they would normally die. Then God will resurrect all the people he killed....

    Now where did you ever hear a thing like that?

    Daniel 11:35 ... a KEY prophecy that must be fulfilled before the "time of the end" gets underway.

  • Celia

    Just great ! How do you do that ?
    I wonder how a Dub in good standing, if he/she did read this, would react ? They know it is true...

  • Yadirf


    What's so outstanding about all this? It's simply only what you'd find in a dirty baby's diaper.


  • Farkel


    :: God will soon kill almost all humans by simply killing them before they would normally die. Then God will resurrect all the people he killed....

    : Now where did you ever hear a thing like that?

    I've edited that line for more doctrinal clarity. Thanks for pointing it out. We simply HAVE to be pretty precise on the killing part, because the killing part is the major part of the Good News of God's Kingdom as preached by dubs.

    : It's simply only what you'd find in a dirty baby's diaper.

    Yeah, dub doctrine IS a bunch of shit, isn't it?


  • Celia

    Farkel tells the truth, without any adornments, the truth, pure, simple and harsh... Of course the JWs like to wrap all these truths in a more palatable shell, because they can't scare the householders like that.

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