This week has been the week when my whole way of thinking shifted. I still cannot believe how this can happen so fast. Over a period of seven days I went from not even imagining that I could ever not be a witness to wanting to get out of this organisation.
Last Sunday when I went to the kh the thought of not being a witness did not exist in my mind (despite all the things I disapproved in this org and their doctrine).
On Sunday evening I realized that it is very rarely that I agree with a whole study article in the publications. Usually I agree with the part where they present the biblical facts and the verses, and I disagree with most of their conclusions. And the q came, in this conditions, is it ok for me to continue being a witness? Can I stand this until the end of my life or this system? Should I continue to stand this? Is it worth it?
The idea that this is affecting my relationship with God came to me. My relationship with Him has been affected because I have to pretend I agree with something I do not, because I ask myself if it is ok for me to understand things different than the organization and to reach different conclusions when I analyse some biblical verses.
On Monday morning I felt like crying, while continuing to read information on jwfacts, listening to crisis of conscience, reading info on other sites (not necessarily all against jw’s, but also sites on what other christian religious believe and understand from the Bible. I was particularly impressed with a you tube video showing a meeting of a christian denomination celebrating the commemoration on 14th Nissan and all members of the congregation were taking part, no ideas I could not agree with in the sermon).
Tuesday, I continued researching information during breaks at work and after.
I had moments when I felt anxious and like crying and did not know exactly why – was I crying because of worry for what is expecting me, was it a feeling of liberation or was it anger for all the years when I was blind and believed them despite logic and good sense?
In the same time in my head started to roll all the questions that came into my mind over the years and did not had the guts to put them into words or to clearly formulate them in my mind:
- · Why do they say Christians cannot say about themselves they are the children of God, when the new testament clearly says those who accept Jesus are become children of God
- · Why those who have earthly hope are not allowed to partake at the commemoration
- · Why do they take the number 144 000 literarily and not the following verses that say that those people are from the tribes of Israel?
- · What do we do with the verses that talk about the souls of people who died in the New Testament?
- · There are several verses that talk about a new earth and the destruction of this earth, why do we only take into consideration the only verse that says the earth will last forever? (Maybe that is meant symbolic, as in God will take care that humans will always have a place / planet to live on, and it might refer to the new earth)
- · 1914 – I see it as a speculation with no Biblical or historical support
- · Why is baptism not made in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit? Why at baptism do you have to say that you believe that the organization is the instrument of God led by the Holy Spirit? I think that with this doctrine about the organisation they actually add the organization as a mediator between human beings and God, when the Bible states clearly that there is only one mediator and that is Jesus Christ. I also believe that with the second question they ask before baptism they make you deny / not accept that you personally need the help and the guidance of the Holy Spirit in your Christian life; it’s like you have to say that only they have the help and guidance of Holy Spirit and yourself not, which is false, all Christians have access to the help and guidance of Holy Spirit if they ask for it.
- · About the idea that God always had an organization, if you pay attention, there has always been people who pretended to be God’s organisation, or should have been but they were not in reality. Most kings and priests from Judah and Israel did not represent God. Jehovah chose from time to time people who were cast away and even killed by the rules of the Israel nation who were pretending to represent Jehovah.
Jesus did not only bring us liberation from sin and death but also liberation in the sense that since He came, we do not need any other mediator between God and humans, Jesus is the only mediator.
These are probably just some of the q’s, and I did not yet reach a conclusion on what I believe on most of these issues. I will need to research to find out what is the most logical answer in the Bible.
I know this is a long post, but I wanted to somehow get a little clarity on my new ideas and my questions, and to make a resume on how the shift I experienced this week took place.
It is strange how nothing really special happened this week in reality (related to my experience in this org or with its members) but I had so many thoughts in my mind, everything happened in my mind, and I experienced this transformation in my thinking ….
I was wondering how did the shift in thinking happened to you? Was it gradual, was it sudden?
And how did you got away from the org? Did you clearly told them what you believe? Did you have a time when you continued but was convinced in your mind that the org did not preached the truth? How long did you go on after changing your ideas?
I am thinking of what I should do next … don’t want to do anything that would make my situation too difficult …
PS: English is not my first language, sorry if sometimes the way I express myself is complicated.