My worst friend

fade_away

I need to vent a bit here. My wife is a social person who finds it very easy to find people she can connect with and have tons in common. I am the complete opposite. We left the borg together a couple of years ago and by now she has awesome friends. But they're all women friends with their women talk and their many women things they have in common with each other. I'm excluded from that of course...but there is one guy friend in the group who is two and a half times my age and can pass for my father. I have absolutely NOTHING in common with him. His conversations are always about the plans for the next day or the next weekend. There's only like 3 places to go in my boring town and he just keeps talking about next week's plans to go to one of these 3 places. He is very repetitive in what he says and very pushy too.

I like to talk about things as shallow as movies, music and videogames, to things as deep as psychology, the cosmos, evolution and the meaning of our existence as a human species. None of these are topics of conversation with him. If he was at least an ex-JW I can have a lot to talk about with him, but he never was part of any cult. He doesn't seem to be interested in religion or science. He only likes to talk about the plans for next week and the latest legal weed he has discovered to smoke. Interesting for like 3 minutes but certainly not for hours every single weekend for a year in a row. He wants to go on a cruise next year and he is extremely pushy if I say "no" or even if I say "I don't know yet". He annoys the shit out of me!

My wife on the other hand is having a great time with her friends, so when she wants to go out, I let her go alone. I can't go with her because I can't stand to be with my "friend". I would love to tag along if I had a buddy I can relate to and have hilarious drunken conversations with at the bar while my wife enjoyed her girl talk and dancing on the dance floor. That would be my idea of a good time. Instead I'm sitting with my head on the table listening to an old man talk about next week's plans to do the same shit we are doing now. I also don't enjoy staying up all night at a bar full of mid-life crisis people. I can stay to midnight and then I have to go home because the alcohol won't let me stay up past 12 or 1am. Everyone else is wide awake and hyper and I'm struggling to stay awake with a migrane caused by my lack of sleep. I'm depriving myself from passing out while everyone is full of enough energy to dance all freaking night.

My wife and I were closer on the weekends until we decided to look for friends. Now our friends are getting in between me and her and she's going out having a great time while I stay home to avoid all that unpleasantness. She had an easy time making friends and I'm falling behind because it takes me years maybe decades to find people I get along with. I can't get along with 99% of the people I meet. Maybe I'm too picky, or easily annoyed. But I can't fake it and pretend I like someone when i don't. Has anyone here ever been in this situation? Anyone ever been stuck with a friend they hate? I need advice on how to "break up" with this guy...(I know it sounds gay)

Scully

My suggestion would be to start looking around for social groups that do activities you enjoy, things you can do on the evenings your wife enjoys her friends' company. You can try out any number of things without making a pact with them to go every single week - if you like running or cycling or graphic novels or whatever, you can probably find people who share your interests. Try out a variety of activities so you aren't too deeply involved in the social dynamics of each group until you find a group or individuals who don't irritate you too much.

I don't think it's necessary to "break up" with the old dude. You don't get along with him, he sounds boorish and kind of selfish to have conversations that revolve around him and his day to day ablutions. Hopefully he's not texting you or cyberstalking you to keep tabs on you. ;) Somehow I doubt it, and somehow I don't think he'll be crushed... he'll likely glom onto the next tag-along husband that shows up.

I enjoy my co-workers' company at work, but knowing the kind of gossip they generate, I rarely socialize with them. Instead, I have a regular cooking class and a crafting group. Both of those activities are more social and superficial "acquaintance" level relationships, but I'm fine with that. I'm pretty private and prefer socializing around a common interest rather than deep philosophical or probing my psyche type conversations. I save that kind of stuff for y'all on JWN, where I can be somewhat anonymous. :)

Also, maybe you and your wife need to have a regular date night every week to go for dinner and a movie, or some other thing you can enjoy together, so that you stay connected and don't end up begrudging each other your nights out.

jgnat

You are an introvert married to an extrovert. So am I. I am quite happy to pick up the "seconds" as it saves me a bunch of work (breaking the ice, making inane conversation).

Your wife's first contact is not your type. I suggest you acclimate your new buddy to the word "no". Tolerate him some of the time.

Who knows? You might encounter someone more compatible at another one of your wife's outings.

Keep in mind too, with your esoteric interests, that you may need a few friends (virtual and physical) to meet your needs. After all, isn't that what the internet is for?

Fernando

Socialising has been a big part of my healing from the cult. I used to struggle with socialising when in the cult. It seems mental health and social health feed off each other.

I pray that at least one of your wife's friend's husbands may share your interests and orientation. Please never give up - a healthy social life is vital.

Some great suggestions from Scully and jgnat!

zeb

"everyone needs at least three hobbies and they must be real".. Churchill.

youngbro

I thought leaving the borg was supposed to give you more time with your wife...sorry, I could not resist. Anyway, you could always be machiavelian and have him pay for the cruise, then push him over the edge and say you tripped...OR, you could just tell him he annoys you.

whathappened

I would suggest to you that you let your wife know that you miss being a twosome. Ask her to reserve at least one evening every weekend to spend with you. She may be totally unaware of how you feel. She would probably welcome the time alone with you and may even help you find a guy friend to hang out with. Always let your wife know how you are feeling. Women love it when our men make themselve vulnerable to us. She loves you. Tell her how you feel.

Balaamsass

Night class at the Local Junior College. Take something interesting. Start a hobby. Join a group of civic do gooders. Be a Mason like the early JWS !!! lol.

Host an apostafest nearby. :)

dreamgolfer

I Will volunteer to be your buddy, where do you live?

My worst friend

Share this